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Remember when we were all #done with 2016? Well, it’s not even Memorial Day and your boy has officially waved the flag on 2017 as well. I’m calling it here, on the fifteenth of May in the year of the Lord Tom Brady 2017, I hereby declare I am #done with 2017. Why, you ask? Nuclear war with North Korea? Nah. Russian hackers? Nope. Awful healthcare bills? Not even close.
I’m #done with 2017 because Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell just broke up. It’s official. This isn’t some tabloid gossip, some friend of a friend knows a guy type rumor. This is as real as Teri Hatcher’s boobs (yet far less spectacular). They released a statement! This is devastating news. Simply, a punch to the gut. A kick to the dick. A swift slap across the face.
The wedding is off! The Bachelor’s Ben Higgins and Lauren Bushnell have broken up.
It is with heavy hearts that we announce our decision to go our separate ways,” Higgins, 29, and Bushenll, 27, told People in a joint statement Monday. “We feel fortunate for the time we had together, and will remain friends with much love and respect for one another. We wish nothing but the best for each other, and ask for your support and understanding at this time.
Of alllll the couples from The Bachelor franchise, I thought Ben and Lauren had a shot. They genuinely seemed to be great together. The chemistry they had was pure heat. The way Ben looked at Lauren was completely different from the rest of the girls on his season right from the beginning, and within the first few episodes if you didn’t have Lauren circled as the girl Ben was going to pick, you must have just been distracted by Jojo and her, ummm, outfits.
Speaking of Jojo: if I’m Jordan Rodgers, I am on high alert right now. DEFCON Level 2. If things aren’t all blueberries and paper airplanes in the Fletcher-Rodgers household, Jordan needs to be ready for anything. Because if I know Ben (and Jojo) like I think I know Ben (and Jojo), then I know that Ben (and Jojo) are on a collision course to go a few rounds on a Casper mattress. Actually, knowing Ben, probably a hot tub. But the point stands: Ben and Jojo are going to fuckkkkk. That’s not conjecture, that’s just #factsonly. Ben HAS to be wondering, now more than ever, if he chose the wrong girl. He probably did. He peeps those Instagram stories, he knows what’s up. He’s hundo p got their Fantasy Suite night burned in his brain, and I just don’t see a world in which Ben doesn’t make a play at Jojo right now. And not for not, but as much as Jojo “loves” Jordan, she wanted Ben H first.
A few more taps for your keg:
1) Pretty wild timing with this announcement considering The Bachelorette is kicking off in a few weeks…
2) With nobody except Raven officially confirmed for Paradise and given how much Ben and Lauren love reality TV, I wouldn’t be shocked if one of them went on Paradise. I’d love to see both and watch them hook up with other people right in front of each other but I don’t even think the producers of these shows are that twisted…
3) I’m so curious what their next steps will be. Where will they end up? Will Lauren move back to SoCal? How will their endorsements do now that they’re broken up? Will they have to (GASP!) get real jobs now?
Overall, sad times. I really thought this was the couple that all Bachelor couples should be compared to. Truly a heartbreaking day. Now, as a community, let’s band together. The night is always darkest before the dawn. We’ve got Rachel vying for the love of one of thirty dudes in a week. We’ve got Paradise coming in August. Maybe I’m #done with 2017, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have to continue to support each other through these dark times. So let’s pour one out tonight for Ben and Lauren (ideally, it’d be Bachelor Wine). We have to be strong. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened..
Image via Freeform / YouTube