Being A Nice Girl In A Bar Is Impossible

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As an occasional Parks and Recreation watcher and a lover of all things comedy, I recently re-watched some of Aziz Ansari’s “Dangerously Delicious” special and am now faced with a problem. Disclaimer: I still love Aziz and think that his shit is funny AF, so back up Aziz lovers — we are together on that. Disclaimer two: I am fully aware that I was watching a standup special and that he was obviously joking. Before you even get the chance to flip a shit on me, I’m telling you to relax or take a Xanax right now so you are capable of objectivity. What happened was this: Aziz unintentionally reiterated a common misconception of girls my age. LOL, oops. I just need you to keep in mind that I’m not trying to bring a gun to the balloon party or whatever the fuck, okay? Yeezus.

At one point in the special, our shared comedic superior talks about how he sees a cute girl in a bar and he also happens to like her bag, so he goes up to talk to her. She is nice at first, her friend then joins her, and shortly after, the girl with the bag makes a sarcastic remark accompanied by an eye roll about Aziz being next to her. Aziz becomes very upset by this and proceeds to hilariously rant about how all girls at bars are total bitches. Some of you are nodding your heads in agreement.

It’s true, there are some total fucking bitches in this liquor-filled world our generation lives in, but I’m not going to defend them. You know, those girls who ignore you even though you looked them in the eye and asked them a question, or the ones who face-palm you for getting within an arm’s length of their dancing circle. They’re usually young, amassed with self-confidence, and also generally uninteresting. They are unfazed by your painfully obvious desire for them and they’re fucking used to it, so take a number. You definitely know the type I’m talking about, so you also understand why I don’t feel the need to defend them. Our buddy Aziz did not speak to a bitchy girl like that, or he would’ve recounted a wildly different story about how the girl with the bag threw a drink in his face for making eye contact. No, the type of girl Aziz ran into was a nice girl, and I absolutely feel the need to defend her, because she is misunderstood. You might be saying, “Hey, she rolled her eyes at Aziz and used sarcasm as a weapon! She isn’t nice.” I’ll get to that, but for now, know that she probably got bitchy toward the end of the conversation because she had to.

Fact: Girls do not go to the bar for free drinks, sex, and conversation with randoms. The exception is if we’re into a guy who has offered us free drinks, sex, and conversation. There are plenty of reasons we go to bars, but regardless of specifics, we’re probably just there to have fun with our friends. Due to a current heated harassment by my idiot guy friends, I am being forced to include that when guys are out, they’re also just trying to hang with their friends. Fucking duh. The difference is that guys always have a raised awareness that sex may be lurking nearby. We girls know this, but sometimes we like to think that maybe these guys are just nice and trying to socialize. Is it our fault that they came over to us? Are we showing signals that we’re into them? Are they just trying to chat? These questions are exactly why the girl Aziz was talking to was super nice to him when he approached her.

If we’re chillin’ and you’re chillin’ and now you’ve decided to come chill and talk to us, we respect that you have the balls to approach total strangers, even if we’re not immediately interested in you. So why the fuck would we be rude to you right off the bat? Of course we will talk to you and accept the drink you’ve offered because we’re not dicks, we’re poor, and you’re a human fucking being. It could also be guilt, though. We accept because, like I said, we could’ve unintentionally been giving you mixed signals. Maybe we accidentally made eye contact or something, but just because you’ve come over and offered to buy us a drink, it doesn’t mean we think you have bad intentions. We don’t want to assume that you are only talking to us because you want to bang it out later. Maybe you’re just a nice dude. Is that naïve? Should we assume the worst? Aziz doesn’t think so. If we should, then you guys don’t reserve the right to get fucking pissed when we say, “oh, no thank you, I’m not interested,” after you offer us a drink. We say that and you have a visible panic attack, nonverbally scolding us for generalizing you. Even though the girl with the bag was somewhat rude about it, she was probably acting out of experience. Being rude, a lot of the time, is the only way you dudes get the hint; therefore, it is a last resort. We don’t feel good about it, but you didn’t leave us much of a choice.

It’s such a double standard. If we immediately refuse the drink, you think we’ve assumed the worst of you and are too pretentious to give you a chance. If we accept the drink, you’ve now assumed that we are not entirely opposed to the idea of sleeping with you. What? How are these our only options? Nice girls don’t want to kill your ego by shutting you down, so we accept. Fuck yeah, everybody wins! But if we then start getting hints that you want to take us home and we’re not into it, you’ve now made us question our judgement. That’s not fair — we were just trying to be nice. Please know that it’s fucking difficult to get a “not going home with you” hint across now that we’ve established a casual, chummy atmosphere — and not to mention, you might be fucking shit-faced. All human signals have been lost. I’m stressed just thinking about it.

God forbid you overstay your welcome on the barstool next to me. You need to recognize if all of a sudden, you’re hearing a lot of “yeahs” and “for sures” and “that’s crazys,” in response to your lengthy stories. I’m begging you to pay better attention. We’re trying to give you hints that your time here has ended and that you are making us uncomfortable. Do you know that we try to give you nice little hints so you can GTFO without us having to flip the bitch switch? Now you do. If you’re too far gone to realize the hints, I guess it’s my fault for indulging your blacked out brain.

Do you see how being a bitchy girl is much more appealing than being a nice one? That poor girl Aziz was hitting on — I’m sure he was fucking awesome — just wasn’t into it. She got stuck and he didn’t get the hint, so she panicked, which led to bitchiness. Maybe nice girls shouldn’t give a fuck about what random guys in bars think. Maybe we should just become bitchier and shut you down upon meeting so we don’t even have to deal with everything I just listed. That’s probably the answer.

This excludes dudes who are beyond wasted and have discovered what their hips do when the Thong Song comes on and your ass is in perfect position in front of their hips. At that point, I can tell you to fuck off, no problemo, stop trying to grind please OMG. Anyway, I can’t be a bitch to a random nice guy and not think about it for the next two weeks, and I know other girls feel the same way. I think shit like, “That poor guy, all he wanted was a little conversation and I was a dick and maybe he was on the verge of suicide and wanted one last go at human interaction and now I’ve killed a person.” Maybe that’s crazy, I don’t know.

I really don’t want this to discourage dudes from approaching girls at bars. That probably sounds contradictory. There are a lot of different situations that require you just to fucking go for it. From there, all I’m asking is that you pay close attention to the chick you’re talking to. If she touches you, makes awkwardly long eye contact, and asks about your personal life, chances are, she’s interested. Potential mediocre drunken stranger sex for you tonight, fuck yeah! A hand job at least! If she’s nodding a lot, looking away a lot, and generally, um, I don’t know, uninterested, please take the shot to your ego and bounce. We’ll appreciate you more for it. Don’t even try to play the “I bought you a drink and now you have to talk to me for the rest of the night” game. Thank you for the drink, I will talk to you while I drink this, and when that drink is gone, you have to have figured out whether or not I’m into you with the advice I have given above. Don’t pull any of that “I’m going to keep buying you drinks so you are obligated to talk to me.” That’s the fucking worst, because yeah, now I do feel obligated and it SUCKS.

Listen, I don’t know everything about the dating world and I took a lot of Adderall before writing this, so I’m probably overthinking and rambling. Whatever, as long as you at least kind of understand what I’m saying, that’s good. It probably sums up like this: You’re fucked because you don’t know what you’re doing, and we’re fucked because we have the upper hand and don’t know how to communicate it. Thats why we all just get shit-faced to hook up, because we’ve then removed the thinking portion of the evening. Like, sure, let’s go make out in the corner, whatever. If you decide to reject everything I just said, you are probably a fucking Communist. At least now you know how stressed some girls are when they’re out at bars. Do you see why I have a drinking problem now? Get me the fuck out of here.

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Genius. Billionaire. Playboy. Philanthropist.

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