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As an occasional Parks and Recreation watcher and a lover of all things comedy, I recently re-watched some of Aziz Ansari’s “Dangerously Delicious” special and am now faced with a problem. Disclaimer: I still love Aziz and think that his shit is funny AF, so back up Aziz lovers — we are together on that. Disclaimer two: I am fully aware that I was watching a standup special and that he was obviously joking. Before you even get the chance to flip a shit on me, I’m telling you to relax or take a Xanax right now so you are capable of objectivity. What happened was this: Aziz unintentionally reiterated a common misconception of girls my age. LOL, oops. I just need you to keep in mind that I’m not trying to bring a gun to the balloon party or whatever the fuck, okay? Yeezus.
At one point in the special, our shared comedic superior talks about how he sees a cute girl in a bar and he also happens to like her bag, so he goes up to talk to her. She is nice at first, her friend then joins her, and shortly after, the girl with the bag makes a sarcastic remark accompanied by an eye roll about Aziz being next to her. Aziz becomes very upset by this and proceeds to hilariously rant about how all girls at bars are total bitches. Some of you are nodding your heads in agreement.
It’s true, there are some total fucking bitches in this liquor-filled world our generation lives in, but I’m not going to defend them. You know, those girls who ignore you even though you looked them in the eye and asked them a question, or the ones who face-palm you for getting within an arm’s length of their dancing circle. They’re usually young, amassed with self-confidence, and also generally uninteresting. They are unfazed by your painfully obvious desire for them and they’re fucking used to it, so take a number. You definitely know the type I’m talking about, so you also understand why I don’t feel the need to defend them. Our buddy Aziz did not speak to a bitchy girl like that, or he would’ve recounted a wildly different story about how the girl with the bag threw a drink in his face for making eye contact. No, the type of girl Aziz ran into was a nice girl, and I absolutely feel the need to defend her, because she is misunderstood. You might be saying, “Hey, she rolled her eyes at Aziz and used sarcasm as a weapon! She isn’t nice.” I’ll get to that, but for now, know that she probably got bitchy toward the end of the conversation because she had to.
Fact: Girls do not go to the bar for free drinks, sex, and conversation with randoms. The exception is if we’re into a guy who has offered us free drinks, sex, and conversation. There are plenty of reasons we go to bars, but regardless of specifics, we’re probably just there to have fun with our friends. Due to a current heated harassment by my idiot guy friends, I am being forced to include that when guys are out, they’re also just trying to hang with their friends. Fucking duh. The difference is that guys always have a raised awareness that sex may be lurking nearby. We girls know this, but sometimes we like to think that maybe these guys are just nice and trying to socialize. Is it our fault that they came over to us? Are we showing signals that we’re into them? Are they just trying to chat? These questions are exactly why the girl Aziz was talking to was super nice to him when he approached her.
If we’re chillin’ and you’re chillin’ and now you’ve decided to come chill and talk to us, we respect that you have the balls to approach total strangers, even if we’re not immediately interested in you. So why the fuck would we be rude to you right off the bat? Of course we will talk to you and accept the drink you’ve offered because we’re not dicks, we’re poor, and you’re a human fucking being. It could also be guilt, though. We accept because, like I said, we could’ve unintentionally been giving you mixed signals. Maybe we accidentally made eye contact or something, but just because you’ve come over and offered to buy us a drink, it doesn’t mean we think you have bad intentions. We don’t want to assume that you are only talking to us because you want to bang it out later. Maybe you’re just a nice dude. Is that naïve? Should we assume the worst? Aziz doesn’t think so. If we should, then you guys don’t reserve the right to get fucking pissed when we say, “oh, no thank you, I’m not interested,” after you offer us a drink. We say that and you have a visible panic attack, nonverbally scolding us for generalizing you. Even though the girl with the bag was somewhat rude about it, she was probably acting out of experience. Being rude, a lot of the time, is the only way you dudes get the hint; therefore, it is a last resort. We don’t feel good about it, but you didn’t leave us much of a choice.
It’s such a double standard. If we immediately refuse the drink, you think we’ve assumed the worst of you and are too pretentious to give you a chance. If we accept the drink, you’ve now assumed that we are not entirely opposed to the idea of sleeping with you. What? How are these our only options? Nice girls don’t want to kill your ego by shutting you down, so we accept. Fuck yeah, everybody wins! But if we then start getting hints that you want to take us home and we’re not into it, you’ve now made us question our judgement. That’s not fair — we were just trying to be nice. Please know that it’s fucking difficult to get a “not going home with you” hint across now that we’ve established a casual, chummy atmosphere — and not to mention, you might be fucking shit-faced. All human signals have been lost. I’m stressed just thinking about it.
God forbid you overstay your welcome on the barstool next to me. You need to recognize if all of a sudden, you’re hearing a lot of “yeahs” and “for sures” and “that’s crazys,” in response to your lengthy stories. I’m begging you to pay better attention. We’re trying to give you hints that your time here has ended and that you are making us uncomfortable. Do you know that we try to give you nice little hints so you can GTFO without us having to flip the bitch switch? Now you do. If you’re too far gone to realize the hints, I guess it’s my fault for indulging your blacked out brain.
Do you see how being a bitchy girl is much more appealing than being a nice one? That poor girl Aziz was hitting on — I’m sure he was fucking awesome — just wasn’t into it. She got stuck and he didn’t get the hint, so she panicked, which led to bitchiness. Maybe nice girls shouldn’t give a fuck about what random guys in bars think. Maybe we should just become bitchier and shut you down upon meeting so we don’t even have to deal with everything I just listed. That’s probably the answer.
This excludes dudes who are beyond wasted and have discovered what their hips do when the Thong Song comes on and your ass is in perfect position in front of their hips. At that point, I can tell you to fuck off, no problemo, stop trying to grind please OMG. Anyway, I can’t be a bitch to a random nice guy and not think about it for the next two weeks, and I know other girls feel the same way. I think shit like, “That poor guy, all he wanted was a little conversation and I was a dick and maybe he was on the verge of suicide and wanted one last go at human interaction and now I’ve killed a person.” Maybe that’s crazy, I don’t know.
I really don’t want this to discourage dudes from approaching girls at bars. That probably sounds contradictory. There are a lot of different situations that require you just to fucking go for it. From there, all I’m asking is that you pay close attention to the chick you’re talking to. If she touches you, makes awkwardly long eye contact, and asks about your personal life, chances are, she’s interested. Potential mediocre drunken stranger sex for you tonight, fuck yeah! A hand job at least! If she’s nodding a lot, looking away a lot, and generally, um, I don’t know, uninterested, please take the shot to your ego and bounce. We’ll appreciate you more for it. Don’t even try to play the “I bought you a drink and now you have to talk to me for the rest of the night” game. Thank you for the drink, I will talk to you while I drink this, and when that drink is gone, you have to have figured out whether or not I’m into you with the advice I have given above. Don’t pull any of that “I’m going to keep buying you drinks so you are obligated to talk to me.” That’s the fucking worst, because yeah, now I do feel obligated and it SUCKS.
Listen, I don’t know everything about the dating world and I took a lot of Adderall before writing this, so I’m probably overthinking and rambling. Whatever, as long as you at least kind of understand what I’m saying, that’s good. It probably sums up like this: You’re fucked because you don’t know what you’re doing, and we’re fucked because we have the upper hand and don’t know how to communicate it. Thats why we all just get shit-faced to hook up, because we’ve then removed the thinking portion of the evening. Like, sure, let’s go make out in the corner, whatever. If you decide to reject everything I just said, you are probably a fucking Communist. At least now you know how stressed some girls are when they’re out at bars. Do you see why I have a drinking problem now? Get me the fuck out of here..
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@dannugget
@dannugget
“Fact: Girls do not go to the bar for free drinks, sex, and conversation with randoms. ”
I actually had a girl tell me a couple weeks ago that she didn’t know how much drinks cost because she doesn’t remember the last time she bought one. They are out there in abundance.
You said fuck 20 times. I Ctrl+F’d that shit. Do you kiss your roommate with that mouth? If so, then, you know, photos.
Honestly I read the whole fucking thing and didn’t even catch on to the fucks until I got to these fucking comments.
I personally am a fan of classy, well-educated women who say the word fuck a lot
I don’t totally disagree with your argument that we can’t take a hint when you send mixed signals just to be polite. But telling me you went to the bar JUST to have fun with your friends is a bit asinine considering you could do the same thing at your house with a bottle for waaay cheaper. I also would rather you be a bitch and not accept my drink to begin with rather than accept the $6 vodka cranberry thinking I have a snowballs chance only to find out later on that I wasted time and money on something that was failed to begin with. Ultimately it’s a numbers game no matter how you look at it and the nice guy only meets the nice girl in Disney movies.
Yeah, not sure why girls are conflicted about this. So what if he gets upset if you reject his drink. He’s more pissed if he buys a drink thinking he might have a chance (and any guy who is buying a girl, and not a group, thinks there might be a chance, period), only to get burned.
Basically be up front and reject the guy’s drink from the beginning, it’s the lesser of all evils.
At the same time this girl hasn’t completely grasped social constructs. She says she has only two options. I immediately thought of a third: don’t accept the drink, but accept the company. If he stays, then he is just socializing, if he leaves then you have your answer. Stop blaming men for your problems and grow up.
I mostly agree with this. I have rejected a drink while continuing to be polite and social multiple times. It has never been something I have to do often because I’m typically out with my bf. However, rejecting drinks became a weekly occurrence while my bf was deployed my senior year. I would still go out with my roommates and sorority sisters so yeah. I was typically with a bunch of single girls. Most of the time guys were nice about the rejection and would go on their merry way, but occasionally they’d be dicks. My rejections were typically along the lines of “thanks for offering but I’ve got it/I’ll get my own”. I guess what just bothered/bothers me the most was that a woman’s company isn’t worth $6, but men will happily buy drinks for a woman if they think they’ll get to sleep with her. It’s like none of them want to waste their breath socializing if it doesn’t end in sex. But that’s just my female perspective so….
Imagine how the girls who never get approached by any guy feel.
There are worst things in the world than a man being a jerk or not wanting to be your friend. In fact, there are shitty assholes all over the place, once you accept that, this whole scenario isn’t that big of deal.
So you’re saying men are cheap/shallow because they don’t want to spend $$ on drinks for girls if it just ends in a 5 minute conversation?
Actually, my favorite is when a girl just decides to order drinks from my tab. wastes my money without the effort on my part. Win-win!
Sounds boring.
Your fucking message got fucking lost amongst all the times you used some version of fuck.
While the power of a well-timed ‘fuck’ can’t be understated, it can most definitely be overused.
I halfway agree with this only because most guys are douchebags when approaching a lady at a bar. However I find aspects of this to be hypocritical. According to the article, the drink means nothing. Girls will continue to take and take and not give anything in return. It is also ok for a girl to feign interest whilst the drink isn’t completely empty, but once the straw begins to slurp, the Academy Award winning performance is over. To guys, the drink, and the money he spent on it, is a symbol. So is accepting the drink. If, upon the offering, you are certain it is a hard no, decline the drink. If you accept, it is a social inference that you are at least remotely interested.
If you decline the drink and the guy proceeds to act like a douche, by all means, criticize, demean and castrate him publicly. But if you accept, you need to at least see where it leads.
TL;DR version: If you don’t want to put up with a guy hanging around you for an extended period of time, and are not interested, stop being so cheap, politely decline, and buy your own drinks until someone of interest offers you another.
Not bad
Quote from Swingers about bitches in bars: “But, Trent, all the parties and bars, they all suck. I spend half the night trying to talk to some girl who’s eyes are darting around to see if there’s someone else she should be talking to. And it’s like I’m supposed to be all happy cause she’s wearing a little backpack. Half of them are nasty skanks who wouldn’t be shit if they weren’t surrounded by a bunch of drunken horny assholes. I’m not gonna be one of those assholes. It’s fucking depressing. Some skank who isn’t half the woman my girlfriend is is gonna front me? It makes me want to puke.”
Was this article meant for Thought Catalog?