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Read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 of The Best Man Blog
Welcome to Part 4 of the series formerly known as “The Best Man Blog.” You’re wondering about the title change, aren’t you? Frankly, this one is just more clickable, and while it’s not all about the clicks, the information I’m about to share with you is vital. At least that’s how I’m spinning my pivot into a full corporate shill.
It’s almost game time and I just stepped off the bus like Dez.
We’re roughly 48 hours away from L’Auberge in Lake Charles Casino. It’s the Vegas of the south. A place where paychecks go to die and swim-up bars get covered in Miami Vice-laden vomit. It feels like it might be lit, folks. As the best man of this puppy, my last few days have been a white knuckle ride down the washed up thirty-something highway. We’ve got young dads who haven’t seen a boys weekend in years. Dudes whose social lives revolve around sip-and-sees and the occasional “dinner and drinks” on a Friday with some couple they barely know. The wolves are howling.
I’ve been going through my checklist every few hours because the chance to be a best man may never be bestowed upon me again. I can’t Munson this. So in an effort to shake some of the nervous energy I’m currently dealing with, let me share with you a few must haves for your bachelor party weekends.
Shirts With Buttons That Will End Up Completely Unbuttoned
How many times do I have to tell you? Buttons are optional. Unless you’re doing a cold weather destination for some reason, you need at least three solid button downs for your weekend. You need Night One, Night Two, and of course, Pool Day. Yes, pool day. It’s often overlooked, but it’s a major short sleeve-no-button event that’s highly Instagrammable if you’re into that. And yeah, you can, and should, gram/snap/twitch during the day just so the gals back home know you’re still in one piece.
My true player for real pick of the week: the AMBSN ‘Pete’ Hawaiian available at our own Man Outfitters.
The Wildcard
You need this man around so you can look back on the trip and think, “Man, at least I didn’t go as hard as __________ . He pushed that guy off a cliff.” It’s the equivalent of taking pics with less attractive friends so you look like a certified slinger. Yes, he’s a liability, but his antics will make everyone forget that you blew chunks under the table at the steakhouse. This could be a good time for an intervention.
Custom Balls / Golf In General
It’s not a bachelor party without a scramble. High stakes. You need a big money game to get the competitive juices flowing and to churn up a little bit of that old school booty chatter on the email thread. We’re talking $20 a man, but remember that you can’t put a price on honor.
For us, this is a great way to avoid blowing the loans we took out against our 401ks in the casino on the first day of the trip. Now, I’m dealing with a bunch of muni course scum who play weekly, so getting everyone on the same page wasn’t difficult. But the pairings. That’s another story. A players, B players, true players, everybody’s a player these days. Putting them together in a manner in which no one cries collusion is just about impossible. Somebody’s ox is getting gored. Part of being a leader is accepting the criticism and moving forward. Which brings me to my point:
Pick up some custom balls for the squad. My real-girls-get-down-on-the-floor true player pick of the week is, of course, Callaway Chrome Soft. Go low.
A Sport Coat That You Can Pair With Jeans So You Can Walk Around Looking Like You’re Glen Gulia
Bachelor party weekends aren’t just for the bachelor. No sir. Far from it. This is a chance for everyone to become their absolute most obnoxious self with no blowback. If you don’t think I’ll be walking around my casino resort in Lake damn Charles with a sport coat that is completely unnecessary for the situation, you’re wrong. And when I sit down at the 20 dollar per hand blackjack table and spread my elbows out like a boss, that dealer will be forced to recognize the magnitude of the situation.
Steaks, scotch, and sport coats. Remember that.
Shades That Are Dope, But Not So Dope That You’d Be Mad That You Broke Them
In this work-hard, play-hard world we’re living in, you know you’re bound to lose some accessories to phantom elbow, an unexpected RKO, a damn dirty thief, or just your self-destructive tendencies in general. Something you can feel good about wearing while strutting through the lobby at 8 a.m. on Saturday, but also something that’s not expensive enough to make you feel bad about your decisions after some dancer “fell” on your face after p-poppin on a handstand.
My blinded-by-the-light pick of the week comes from MVMT. Try out the Renegades. Really good looking and not ridiculously expensive.
Baggies
Maybe I’ve been hanging around Will deFries too long, or maybe these are just the greatest shorts known to man. Baggies will serve you very well on a bachelor party. First of all, they’re ideal for driving. I’ve got a 4.5 hour roadie to Lake Charles, and it’s Bags all day. If you’re headed abroad because the dick head bachelor wanted to rip lips in Costa Rica, maybe hold off. I’m a firm believer in pants on the plane. If you’re flying on the PJ, then that’s a different story and Baggies aren’t only acceptable, they’re required. Baggies also crush as a swimsuit. Don’t be afraid to show a little thigh, because bags will make her dance. Juicy J said that.
My show-some-thigh-middle-fingers-to-the-sky pick of the week is this 5″ inseam pair available on Man Outfitters. The pattern puts out the invincible vibe that you want on a bachelor party.
Wish me luck. You can follow me on Snap (dcarterruff) and ‘Gram (dcruff) if you’d like to watch a building slowly collapse..
Respond
Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
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david@grandex.co
I’ve been to a good amount of these things. So now, I basically just show up and expect to get drunk, maybe see some bewbs, get more drunk, maybe try and see what cocaine smells like, drink some more, get in fights with taxi drivers over directions, throw some dice on a table and celebrate vicarious wins (mostly losses), forget everything, then go home feeling like a bag of ca-ca
I also feel like you’re a bag of ca-ca
Thanks, Jim! I’d literally never hang out with you but I appreciate the feedback
“See what cocaine smells like”. I’m gonna steal that if it’s cool with you Devin.
Sport coats are a must, but bring one that can get destroyed or pick one up at Goodwill prior. Also, don’t be afraid to stand out. Cheetah print blazers are in.
They were never out
I like you guys
You hear that BOOM? Was the sound of Dave dropping knowledge on the uninitiated.
Gonna borrow that Dez Bryant video and send it to the boys to make myself look cool if that’s ok with you DCR.
Go ahead. Be safe.
Also, can’t forget a TIDE stick pen to cover up those stains you get – vomit, wine, lipstick, etc
The real money would be in glitter repellent.
You could still skip and come to the nickelback concert.
Talk about transparency. Admitting the reason behind the title change. Good work, Dave.
Yeah but what am I going to put my beer in.
Inside your body where it belongs
I have a bachelor party in New Orleans in few weeks, definitely gonna follow these
Be real careful, dude. I live down here and crime is getting bad. The Quarter used to be kind of a de-militarized safe zone, but not so much any more. Drunk tourists are getting rolled left and right.