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We’re halfway through Bachelor In Paradise (I think, honestly I’m not entirely sure) and so far we’ve seen some shit. Personally I find BIP more entertaining than its parent franchises, although committing four hours per week has me questioning my sanity.
The cast has persevered through an open bar and brief hiatus, so let’s take some time to look at the status of the stock of our favorite (and most detested) cast members.
Adam – Way Up
Coming into Paradise, Adam was a guy who somehow made it into the final handful of dudes in Rachel’s season with no perceived notion of how he actually made that happen. So far in Paradise, he’s become the guy who had two of Paradise‘s blue-chip alpha women, Raven & Sarah, fighting over him. Adam’s arc into Paradise‘s most desired man has me more confused than when I watched the “Look What You Made Me Do” video, but I’m just going to keep watching his stock climb like everyone else.
Jack Stone – Down
While he’s been sucking more face than I anticipated this season, I’m also still 99% sure he’s a serial killer who makes lampshades out of victims, and multiple cast members have mentioned that. Stock is never anything but down if you’re a potential serial killer.
Alexis – Up
She didn’t really have anything going on romantically, but frankly, with the group of idiots she was surrounded by, that’s not the worst thing. Alexis got bounced early but left with a positive reputation intact, which is about all you can ask for on this show.
Robby – Stagnant
Yeah, his hair and general personality is still the worst. And yeah, he got body bagged by Dillon on Twitter:
you're the worst
— Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) August 21, 2017
But, judging by social media, Robby actually is leaving this beach in a relationship with Amanda. Notorious for her poor taste in men, Amanda has continued that streak, and while Robby has been a living cringe over the course of the season, ending up in a relationship is the name of the game.
Lacey – Down
When you spend a majority of the season hoping that Daniel, who is a massive fucking idiot, shows up as your white knight, your stock will eternally trend downward.
Matt – Stagnant
He was on track to be murdered in his sleep by Jasmine so escaping was huge for him. Stock could’ve been up simply for remaining alive, but I originally mistakenly typed his name as “Will” which shows how little of an impact he’s made on this franchise.
Derek & Taylor – Down
The only solidified couple on the show so far, every time these two lovebirds appear on screen I have a primal urge to claw my eyeballs out and shove an icepick in my ears.
Sarah – Buy Low
Not lasting through one rose ceremony because you crashed and burned chasing Adam isn’t the best look. But, Sarah was both one of the cutest girls on the show, and like Alexis left with her perceived sanity and respect still intact. Buy low on a multi-rose ceremony comeback for Sarah next year.
Dean – Down
Just like me, you all bought that Dean stock like it was Apple before an iPhone release before he got on the island. Good God how the mighty have fallen. Ol’ Captain Mixed Signals has been playing with the emotions of sweetheart Kristina by continuing to canoodle with D-Lo, and frankly, he isn’t coming out of this looking too good.
This season Dean has really resembled the worst stereotype of a college dude in the dating game, becoming as Dave astutely said, “just a total fuck who ends up with an entire sorority hating him.” Couldn’t be more disappointed in Dean.
Raven – Up
Raven ascended to Queen B status among the girls fairly quickly and hasn’t even sniffed danger as far as being rose-less. She’s cemented herself as a likely fixture on future seasons and maybe a dark horse pick for The Bachelorette if this upcoming Bachelor season doesn’t provide a standout candidate.
Christen – Down
Scallop fingers.
Peter – Up
He hasn’t been on the show at all, he’s just still really handsome.
Jasmine – Bankrupt
You won’t be able to unload your Jasmine shares now and never will. She made a guy choose leaving to escape her over an all-inclusive free vacation at a 5-star resort surrounded by single women. Devastating to witness.
Wells – Stock Through The Roof
Wells is the stock you buy to send your great-grandkids to college. I didn’t realize you could crush Paradise as hard as Wells has crushed Paradise. He’s given himself the helium to go from franchise afterthought to potential pick for The Bachelor. He even parlayed his gig as bartender into a producer scripted naturally occurring make-out session with Danielle M. I’m all-in on the Wells hype. Don’t want him as the next Bachelor. NEED him as the next Bachelor. .
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Dean is a fuckboy.
Agree with all of these, but I would toss Christen a nominal “Up” due to the new set of bolt-ons
Robby looks like a mannequin.
I don’t get the scallop fingers bit at all. Who doesn’t like scallops?! I’d take that shit home too
A bunch of people who don’t eat food (that we’ve ever seen on camera, anyway).
Yeah she might be the only person to ever eat on-camera on this show. I assumed that was most of the joke but these people are insane so who knows
Deano- definitely a disappointment.. Kristina is a winner.
I have not watched but DrunkCartographer caught me up. Dean had a 10.3 (+.5 for accent) in his pocket and is messing it up for a 8.8. Also, Peter’s stock will not go down unless he turns heel like Rachel at the end of her season.
Kristina is an angel. When you’re such a butt you make someone say their Russian orphanage was better than a Mexican beach, ya done messed up.
I have a lot to say about Dean. I don’t hate his game, just think he got a little sloppy with it.
D Lo is easily hotter than Kristina (which is no small accomplishment because Kristina is also fine). She just has no personality
Is no one going to comment on how outrageously sweaty contestants are at all times
What is with the three guys on the right of the cast photo? They were obviously enlarged so they don’t look so short. Their heads are twice the diameter of everyone else’s, and are we really supposed to believe that Alex is 8+ inches taller than most of the girls? Please.
I will never understand Producer Micah’s fascination with that Jersey trashbag Alexis. As a Jersey native and current resident myself, I’m ashamed to share a state with her. She is the trashy girl in the Wicked Wolf Tavern in Hoboken that is extremely loud and extremely proud of her Italian “heritage” (read: distant relative from Italy).
Being from Secaucus, I’m shocked she doesn’t have a club foot or something given how much that area is polluted. When she tried to put the dead, rotten crab in Jack Stone’s mouth, I don’t think it was malicious at all. I think she was just trying to introduce Jack to the native cuisine of Secaucus.
…Yeah!