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There are a lot of stigmas regarding men’s locker rooms. People assume a men’s locker room is a bunch of bros talking about their latest sexual conquest and the occasional roll-up of a towel which is then used to quickly whip your buddy in a joking manner. If you played sports in high school or college, then these assumptions are actually pretty accurate. But today we are focusing on public gym locker rooms. For example, the men’s locker room at your local LA Fitness or higher end gyms – basically any men’s locker room filled with strange guys that you don’t play sports with every single day.
The typical public men’s locker room consists of guys quietly changing and showering along with the occasional group of guys chatting about life and how athletic they used to be after an exhausting 30-minute pickup game. Sure, there are a few guys that will quickly and completely undress, but that’s not who this article is about. This article is about those old, worn down men that strut about the locker room showcasing their decade’s old dick. Fellas, you know who I’m talking about. You’re in the middle of putting on your sneakers when you look up, and see Walter slowly walking through the middle of the locker room as naked as the day he was born. However, the day he was born was a very, very long time ago. He’s sweating and panting from taking up one work out machine the whole time. He probably has interesting stories to tell from all his years of life, but that doesn’t matter right now. The only thing that matters is that he puts on a towel. Remember the scene in Big Daddy when Adam Sandler finds out his ex is banging a grandpa and all he can think about is how old and wrinkly he is? Well, in a public men’s locker room, you get to find out just how old and wrinkly these guys truly are.
Being naked in a locker room is obviously going to happen at some point, but these old guys are unnecessarily naked. They walk to and from the shower completely naked. They walk up to their friends naked. The true psychopaths stand in front of the mirror and brush their teeth and comb their naked. I assume the old men that do this started the orgies and acid trends in the 60s. Why the fuck would you simply not wrap a towel around yourself for all of these activities? If you’re in the comfort of your own home, then hell yeah, turn on a fire playlist and be as naked as you want. But surrounded by strangers? It’s just unnecessary. And I’ll go ahead and say it because it’s near impossible not to notice, but it’s not like these old dudes are packing anything to be overconfident about.
I’m not trying to be ageist or say old people are disgusting. If a dude in his twenties is walking around naked for no reason, I would also wonder why he doesn’t just grab a towel. But it’s almost always an old dude, so I mean what the fuck is causing this? Is there a certain age where men just stop caring about being naked in front of strangers? And when will I hit that age? At 21, you can drink, 25 you can rent a car. At 65, does your dick simply say “just let me live.” Ladies, imagine a locker room of naked Dumbledores, Gandalfs, and Creed Brattons. That’s what we’re dealing with. I always assumed the girl’s locker room was filled with voluptuous women in their 20s and the occasional group shower, but now I fear it’s only filled with a bunch of old versions of Rose from Titanic slowly sagging around.
Perhaps I’m the weird one for thinking this way and an asshole for calling out old people like this. Maybe I’ll turn 65 and think, “Wow. I should’ve been excessively naked this whole time.” But for now, I urge any senior citizens to either simply throw a towel around yourself, or invite this young whippersnapper to your 5:00 p.m. dinner and tell me when I will be ready to hobble around naked and carefree..