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There are a lot of stigmas regarding men’s locker rooms. People assume a men’s locker room is a bunch of bros talking about their latest sexual conquest and the occasional roll-up of a towel which is then used to quickly whip your buddy in a joking manner. If you played sports in high school or college, then these assumptions are actually pretty accurate. But today we are focusing on public gym locker rooms. For example, the men’s locker room at your local LA Fitness or higher end gyms – basically any men’s locker room filled with strange guys that you don’t play sports with every single day.
The typical public men’s locker room consists of guys quietly changing and showering along with the occasional group of guys chatting about life and how athletic they used to be after an exhausting 30-minute pickup game. Sure, there are a few guys that will quickly and completely undress, but that’s not who this article is about. This article is about those old, worn down men that strut about the locker room showcasing their decade’s old dick. Fellas, you know who I’m talking about. You’re in the middle of putting on your sneakers when you look up, and see Walter slowly walking through the middle of the locker room as naked as the day he was born. However, the day he was born was a very, very long time ago. He’s sweating and panting from taking up one work out machine the whole time. He probably has interesting stories to tell from all his years of life, but that doesn’t matter right now. The only thing that matters is that he puts on a towel. Remember the scene in Big Daddy when Adam Sandler finds out his ex is banging a grandpa and all he can think about is how old and wrinkly he is? Well, in a public men’s locker room, you get to find out just how old and wrinkly these guys truly are.
Being naked in a locker room is obviously going to happen at some point, but these old guys are unnecessarily naked. They walk to and from the shower completely naked. They walk up to their friends naked. The true psychopaths stand in front of the mirror and brush their teeth and comb their naked. I assume the old men that do this started the orgies and acid trends in the 60s. Why the fuck would you simply not wrap a towel around yourself for all of these activities? If you’re in the comfort of your own home, then hell yeah, turn on a fire playlist and be as naked as you want. But surrounded by strangers? It’s just unnecessary. And I’ll go ahead and say it because it’s near impossible not to notice, but it’s not like these old dudes are packing anything to be overconfident about.
I’m not trying to be ageist or say old people are disgusting. If a dude in his twenties is walking around naked for no reason, I would also wonder why he doesn’t just grab a towel. But it’s almost always an old dude, so I mean what the fuck is causing this? Is there a certain age where men just stop caring about being naked in front of strangers? And when will I hit that age? At 21, you can drink, 25 you can rent a car. At 65, does your dick simply say “just let me live.” Ladies, imagine a locker room of naked Dumbledores, Gandalfs, and Creed Brattons. That’s what we’re dealing with. I always assumed the girl’s locker room was filled with voluptuous women in their 20s and the occasional group shower, but now I fear it’s only filled with a bunch of old versions of Rose from Titanic slowly sagging around.
Perhaps I’m the weird one for thinking this way and an asshole for calling out old people like this. Maybe I’ll turn 65 and think, “Wow. I should’ve been excessively naked this whole time.” But for now, I urge any senior citizens to either simply throw a towel around yourself, or invite this young whippersnapper to your 5:00 p.m. dinner and tell me when I will be ready to hobble around naked and carefree..
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Don Billingsley
Using wit and humor to hide the fact that I don't know what I'm doing at work or in life. Strongest Insta captions in the game.
I was about 7 when I walked into a sauna to be visually assualted by an old dude sitting on the second level with his jiblets directly at my eye level. That’s seared into my memory with horrifying clarity.
At an away game in college and I was taping my socks when I turned to my direct left to see straight into an older gentleman’s brownie gun. I could basically see his colon. Never really recovered from that one
Brownie gun made me lol
Was having such a hard time not cackling at my desk and your comment made me lose that battle.
Two weeks ago, I witnessed a 70 year old man trim his gooch with an electric razor. I literally (and I mean literally) gagged. I have absolutely no problem with any guy hangin dong in the locker room, but this was absolutely disgusting/unacceptable.
Probably should have added that I witnessed this in the locker room…not just randomly in the streets or something.
@SubwayCreatures
Love the Big Daddy reference
Thanks.
I’ve been playing hockey since I was about 4 years old and started showering with the team around 10. Been hangin’ wang in locker rooms ever since. It’s really not a big deal
Get in your tonka truck and kick rocks
Lookin’ for love over the rainbow are we now Dorothy? hahaha I love that show
Womens’ locker rooms are not like this. We keep to our respective corners and undress and dress quickly and discreetly.
Well that’s disappointing to hear.
The documentaries that I’ve seen paint a different picture. Seems to be a lot of good-spirited teamwork when it comes to washing each other’s backs and whatnots.
I’m a member of an athletic club that has such an old client base that they offered me a young professional discount(humble brag). This is where I learned locker room etiquette. It is full of old dudes walking around with no towel. While I do not condone walking through a locker room with no towel, I do think our generation thinks it’s more ridiculous than it should be to be naked in a locker room. I know people that think it’s crazy to go into a steamroom and sauna with just a towel and no shorts. In my opinion there’s nothing wrong with being naked in a steamroom, sauna, and whirlpool that is in a locker room and hanging your towel up right outside of said sauna/steamroom door. I used to think you should wear shorts in a whirlpool, but that turned into me wearing shorts in a whirlpool with a bunch of other naked men so I figured I’d be comfortable as well. Give me the downvotes, but I’ve embraced the naked lifestyle in the locker room at the age of 26 and I’m here to tell you, it’s great.
How on earth could you be naked in a whirlpool / hot tub with a bunch of old men… I just couldn’t do it
Dude I’m not gonna lie, it took me awhile, but man oh man I’ve never been more relaxed
Old ladies will talk to you while they walk into the stall to use the restroom and continue talking while they fart so loud it could have blasted them straight off the toilet…. I think it’s just the older you get, the less fucks are given.
Eyes on the ceiling or floor in the locker room at ALL times for this exact reason. And according to my girlfriend, old ladies let that shit flop around too
When I played football as a young catholic boy we used to have to make weight. A stripe system of over a certain weight you got one stripe and more you got two (Some of you may know this). One stripe couldn’t carry the ball, and two stripes had to play line. I can’t remember the exact details. But anyways I was always on the boarder so to make weight my dad and the other coaches would take us to the local Y where they had a sauna in the men’s locker room. That was my induction to the men’s locker room, old dudes’ balls down to their knees sitting next to us kids, or just walking around the locker room in the buff. Looking back on it now, I don’t think I’d let me kids stay in there with old naked dudes. Different times I guess?
I started doing this in March occasionally and it’s very liberating and empowering.
You’re still young, let that shit hang