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A few days ago, I was sitting in the main conference room with my boss when suddenly he sneezed louder than I thought was humanly possible and I didn’t say anything…
I didn’t say “bless you.” I didn’t say “God bless you.” I didn’t say “gesundheit.” I didn’t say shit.
Now, I probably have to quit my job.
You should have heard this fucking sneeze, though. It sounded like the man had just snorted a girthy line of ghost pepper flakes, pulled his pants ALL of the way down, and sat bare-assed on a lit fucking candle.
It was more of a yell than a sneeze, really. And I said absolutely nothing… and now, he probably thinks I want him dead.
In my defense, though. I’m not typically a “bless you” guy. At least not in my day-to-day life.
It’s not that I’m TRYING to be a dick or anything. And I do hope that you don’t die from the sniffles (now that you’ve so generously sprayed them all over my clear breathing air). It’s just not something that I’m in the habit of doing. So, I don’t do it.
And, honestly, I don’t think I should have to!
How do you – the sneezer – benefit from me – a stranger – getting verbally involved in your bodily functions? The answer is you don’t and you fucking know it. Have some damn dignity and keep your face noises to yourself, sir or madam.
But this was my boss… So, personal convictions/beliefs really weren’t a factor. I just froze up. I would have said “bless you” a hundred times but I wasn’t quick enough on the draw due to being out of practice.
Hell, I would have thrown out a “The power of Christ compels you!” if it meant he’d pay me more.
Plus, his sneeze was so unbelievably loud that it almost warranted an impromptu exorcism. The real Catholic kind, too. I was so shook I damn near soiled my brand-new pair of slim-tapered khakis. With poop. From fear.
If there was a flock of pigeons on the sidewalk outside of our building, I imagine that they must have flown off in a panic like when Ross Geller yells, “My sandwich!!!” in (i) Friends (i).
Fuck I hope this whole thing blows over…
I don’t think I’m in the wrong here, though!
If anything, the person who just sneezed say, “bless you” to the other people in the room for ejaculating nose-germs all over the place. Or, even better idea, let’s just drop this whole “bless you” sneezing bullshit altogether!
If we lived in 14th century Europe where people regularly died from the sniffles, I might be more inclined to wish blessings upon your allergies. The Plague was some very, very real shit back then and you can never be too careful when it comes to plagues. That’s what my mom always said, anyway.
But now, 600 years later, why in the name of all that it good and gravy do we still deem SNEEZES to be the only bodily function in need of divine intervention? Fucking WHY!?
Let’s say (hypothetically) that you overhear somebody making an involuntary sound that… isn’t a sneeze… A FART! For example.
You would never dream of saying “bless you” because someone ripped ass! Even though it could be indicative of some harsh medical issues. That would make you weird! It’s the same idea, though!
So, why the FUCK would you wish blessings upon a sneeze?
Exactly. You wouldn’t. It’s stupid. It’s hypocritical. It’s outdated. And it might cost me my job. So, shit..