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Fall is my favorite season for two distinct reasons. First, football (duh). Second, I welcome the crisp weather – I hate to be hot and I like to be able to cover all of my body parts with clothing and look like I’m trying to do it because of the temperature and not a desperate need to cover my upper arm flab.
But as always, with the good comes the bad, and at the top of the list of things I despise about the fall may come as a surprise:
1. Apple Picking.
I’m not afraid to say it: apple picking is the fucking worst. Don’t come at me – you know that you all secretly agree. I would like to know, who is the asshole that decided it would be a fun weekend activity to traipse all over an orchard looking for fruit that I can buy at the grocery store for 1/3 of the price? Because that fucker needs to feel my wrath, the wrath of all of the professional apple pickers who have been put out of work due to this ridiculous activity, and the wrath of every dude who has been tricked into a trip to the orchard with the false promise of a blowjob after.
You know what makes apple picking even worse? Trying to do it with a gaggle of girlfriends. There are always the following characters in any group of girls who are apple-picking: the girl who dressed inappropriately (yep, whose wedge boots are totally suitable for walking around in dirt); the girl that gets separated from the group and you have to waste twenty minutes looking for her; the girl who went too hard the night before and whines the whole time (it would probs be ok if she got lost); the girl who considers finding the “right” apples a mission akin to curing cancer; the girl that insists you take approximately 172352 pictures of her until she gets just the right one for her Instagram; and the girl who thinks this entire thing is stupid, but came because she was promised there would be wine after (her name may or may not be Jenna.) In short: this is the worst group of people ever assembled, and you’re now spending three hours walking around in nature with them to go home with a bag of over-priced fruit.
The point is: no one actually enjoys apple picking. So why the hell do we keep doing it? Let’s just skip the orchard and let the professionals pick the apples so we can buy them at the supermarket. Then we can make some delicious apple treats and spend the day on the couch watching football and 30 Rock before it leaves Netflix. This is how fall weekends were meant to be.
Shit, that felt good. You know what? There are some other things I hate about fall, and since I’ve already earned the ire of basic girl and bro out there, I’m going to keep going.
2. Pumpkin-Flavored Everything.
For fuck’s sake, a Pumpkin Spice Latte doesn’t actually have any pumpkin in it . And while I haven’t looked too closely, I highly doubt that Pumpkin Spice Oreos, Pumpkin Pie M&Ms or Pumpkin Spice Cheerios do either. And you know why? Because pumpkin is fucking disgusting. If it wasn’t, all of you “pumpkin” devotees would be buying actual pumpkins and eating them. But you aren’t, are you? Instead, you wait for the fall and the beloved PSL and other fake-pumpkin crap and then wax poetic about your love for the flavor, which is nothing more than a chemically-induced lie. Stop the bullshit, people – no one likes the taste of actual pumpkin.
3. Riding Boots.
Riding boots are an adorable look…if you have stick-like calves. On anyone else, they make one’s legs look like leather-wrapped overstuffed sausages. I have spent way too much of my time over the last few falls looking for a pair that fits my calves, muscled from my chosen cardio of bike riding, and frankly, I’m fucking over it. So for all of the ladies that are cheering the return of boot season…have some sympathy for your bigger-calved friends, won’t you?
The literal definition of Halloween: “the night of October 31, the eve of All Saints’ Day, commonly celebrated by children who dress in costume and solicit candy or other treats door-to-door.” Please note that it does not say “the night of October 31 (or the weekend before or after based on the day of the week October 31 falls), commonly celebrated by girls who dress in “Sexy FILL IN THE BLANK” costume and solicit drinks from dudes at the bar.”
Phew, I feel better. Welcome, fall!.