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I’ve gone on record with what I’m naming my kids. If I have a boy, it’s going to be a toss-up between William Fritz deFries III and Steve Yzerman deFries. And I’ll give full female naming rights to my wife, because if she’s willing to go through labor, it’s the least I can do.
But Town & Country just made me dry heave on my keyboard with their prospective popular baby names for 2016. Like, I’m actually upset right now.
1. Hezekiah
2. Charlotte
3. Gertrude
4. Eurydice
5. Remi
6. Deborah
7. Theodore
8. Leia
9. Kale
10. Iker
11. Emma for Girls and Liam for Boys
Let’s just get this out of the way: I’m all in on Charlotte, Deborah, Theodore, Emma, and William (I’m refusing to just skip straight to “Liam” as Town & Country did). Because I can associate all of those names with upstanding/awesome people, those’ll fly. Oh, and all of those names are completely and utterly normal unlike the rest of the list.
Other than those classic names? This list gets a rating of “or nah” from me. If you’re naming your kid “Kale,” you’re just a piece of yuppie scum that needs to get your head back in the game. This isn’t a farmer’s market. This is your kid’s fucking life.
Furthermore, I’m not even entirely sure how to pronounce Hezekiah and Eurydice so I can’t get behind those, and neither can noted Total Frat Move writer Dan Regester.
I just heard @Dan_Regester refer to Candice Swanepoel as "Candice Swimmingpool."
— Will deFries (@WilldeFries) November 19, 2015
My theory on names is that if you’re trying to be “different” and “edgy” with naming your kid, you fall into a group of people that no one should aspire to fall into: Kanye West & Kim Kardashian, and Gwyneth Paltrow. Sure, they’re all loaded, but they also have kids named “North” and “Apple” which trumps all of their accomplishments in life and reminds us all that they’re just flat-out assholes. .
[via Town & Country]
Image via Unsplash
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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I have a feeling that all these names were thought up by a girl that just had a wild time at Rumspringa.
Still trying to decide if reproducing is even a good idea anymore or not.
Should’ve thrown out Hezekiah as my first name request for Crash Jr. Would’ve made coming down to Joseph Mauer Davis more reasonable.
Byron Buxton Davis has a nice ring to it.
Being named after food. PGP
I’m surprised Hans Solo Berger didn’t make the list
My sister is due in February, thankfully she already chose a normal name. I couldn’t godfather a “kale”
Separating bartenders and mixologists from the get go
I know a girl who just had a baby and named her Navy. Wth is wrong with people?
I think it’s that all day and all night everything they see is blue like them, inside and outside.
I just assumed purple and army were already taken by her friends kids.
Why not just name your kid Soda?
Because everyone in the mid-west would get confused about a kid named soda calling you, “pop”.
Or Seven is a great name.
I see what you did there
Ponyboy also has a nice ring to it
The original article that these names in appeared in was prefaced with the disclaimer that this was basically just suggestions from the publication based on what they thought the most popular names should be, not what they will be.
Wait. Are you telling me Town & Country didn’t time travel to December of 2016 to see the most popular names of the year and come back to write that list??