Animals That Would Make Great City Pets, In Theory

One of every city dweller’s favorite sayings is “I would love to get a pet but…” and then following the statement with… “I’m never home and it would be cruel,” “I don’t have enough space,” “I can barely take care of myself let alone another living thing,” etc. However, accepting the hard truth can be somewhat taxing if you’re used to having furry friends around, and it just gets worse when your Facebook page is a steady stream of baby animal photos.

Because no one is ever truly grounded in reality, I thought I’d share the practicality behind housing some of our favorite critters in your tiny ass apartment.

Baby Sea Otter


Indigenous Habitat: Off the pacific coast of North America.

Habitat in your apartment: The bathtub.

Indigenous Diet: A variety of fish and shellfish.

What you’re going to feed it when you’re irresponsible and hungover: Smoked salmon from the corner deli.

Why it would be awesome: Otters hold hands while they sleep so they don’t drift apart in the water. The crippling fear of dying alone would be slightly abated by holding hands with a baby sea otter all night.

Why it would suck: Otters are fucking crazy and the little bastard would soak your apartment.

Baby Teacup Piglet


Indigenous Habitat: Bred on farms in the British countryside.

Habitat in your apartment: The living room.

Indigenous Diet: A variety of vegetables and meats.

What you’re going to feed it when you’re irresponsible and hungover: Leftover enchiladas from margarita night.

Why it would be awesome: Pigs are incredibly intelligent and sociable creatures so it would make a great companion to watch marathons of SVU with. Plus think of all the “Babe” references you can get out of it!

Why it would suck: At some point one of your asshole friends is going to feed it beer, and then you’re going to have an irritable and drunk teacup piglet vomiting all over your carpet.

Baby Hedgehog


Indigenous Habitat: The woodlands of Europe, Asia, Africa and New Zealand.

Habitat in your apartment: A network of cabinets. Let’s be honest, it’s going to set up camp by the Lucky Charms and Cocoa Puffs.

Indigenous Diet: Insects, snails, frogs, snakes, bird eggs, carrion, mushrooms, grass roots, berries.

What you’re going to feed it when you’re irresponsible and hungover: Edible arrangements left over from your barely-remembered birthday week.

Why it would be awesome: Sonic references and the never ending amusement you’ll receive when it curls up into a tiny ball.

Why it would suck: You’re going to come to the Earth-shattering epiphany that your friends like the hedgehog more than you. At this point you’ll start to resent the hedgehog, then finally make amends with it after a long night of shared gin and strawberries.

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Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

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