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Dear Peter,
I need you to know that this is coming from a place of love. More than any other man who has attempted to “find love” on television, I have a sincere and deep affection for you. Your gap-toothed smile has captured my heart in such a way that I may even consider rooting for your beloved Green Bay Packers. Obviously that would only be as long as they continue to suck and not threaten the Patriots in any way, but still, that’s a big deal for me. So it’s with love that I say this:
Stop your fame-whoring before it’s too late.
Coming off your rejection by Rachel (AKA the dumbest woman alive), your Instagram took the turn that we all expected it to — sponsored stories and shameless self-promotion of your fitness classes. And you know what? I was there for it. Could I stand one ad for MVNT watches in return for a shot of you and your adorbs dog snuggling in bed? Absolutely. And while I’m never going to go to one of your PKFit classes because I steadfastly refuse to work out in front of hot people, I respect your need to make a living by convincing women to attend a boot camp in the hopes they may catch your eye and live happily-ever-after with a reality TV prince. But recently, it’s taken a turn and I’m going to need you to pull it back before it goes too far.
The journey to the dark side started here:
Yes, that’s Peter at a Paint Night with two of the most superlative women in Bachelor history: Vanessa, who wears the crown for most boring and Taylor, who takes the prize for most condescending. Of course, this snap led to speculation that Peter and Vanessa were dating, which caused me to be physically ill. After I stopped repeatedly throwing up in my mouth at the thought, I came to the realization that this is probably (hopefully) just an attempt to keep people talking, but really, Peter? This is below you. If you want to stay relevant in Bachelor land, go on Paradise – at least you’d get a free trip to the beach…and probably an STD, but I think that’s still better than Paint Night with Tweedle-Dull and Tweedle-Bitch.
While I ready to forgive this one-time fame-whorey transgression, then came the news that you went on an on-camera date with Nikki Bella for her E! Show, Total Bellas. Oh, Peter. No, sweetie. This is a bridge too far. It would be one thing if this were Kenny – wrestling is his world. But you? Going on a clearly faux-date for an E! show? What’s next, Peter? Are you going to show up as a “friend” of Justin Bobby on the reboot of The Hills? It needs to stop and it needs to stop now.
The bottom line, you handsome bastard? You’ve got to cut the shit. You’re better than this and frankly, this sort of fame-whore behavior is a turn-off. Instead, let’s stick with what works: you try and sell me some sunglasses and fitness classes on Instagram and I’m going to keep clicking for the shirtless shots and puppy pics. It’s an arrangement that works for both of us.
Love (No really, I love you, please notice me on social media),
Jenna .
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
@donttakeitfromus
“You’re better than this”
The funny thing is, he isn’t and this is the peak of his life before his looks and popularity take a quick, rough fall into the shitter. Then one day he’ll be teaching senior water areobics classes at the local YMCA and posting videos for his 32 followers
You know who’s always waiting at the bottom for you and will never let you go?….opioids. This post is brought to you by doctors, Purdue Pharma, the CIA, and terrorist organization suppliers (in that order) lol
The moment you take a sponsorship from MVMT is the moment you officially turn into a douche. Down vote me to Hell.
Hey guys remember kendra?
I think of myself as the Fame-Whore In Chief.
He’s just trying to stack paper, don’t hate him for it. Who wouldn’t do the same thing?
Lmao FUCK YOU Jenna leave Peter alone, out of all the bachelor fame whores he’s the least whoring out of all of them, why single him out? Get of his dick, he didn’t move to LA and start a podcast and shill every product that came his way, he’s living in his hometown doing what he was doing before the bachelorette obviously with new opportunities since his been on the show, why not mention all the giving back he’s been doing in his community with his fame whorism, again Fuck.Off darling
Wish I had any clue how to post gifs so I could attached a “leave Britney alone” one
I was really proud of that line.
Is this Peter’s burner account
I’d love to explain satire to you….
I am so here for the tweedle-dull and tweedle-bitch line.