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There is no luxury that I would put a higher price on than solitude, and that price comes through every month in the form of rent. Combined with my track record of having shit roommates, living alone was the easiest choice I’ve ever made. Nothing is more comforting than the knowledge that when my work day is over, I will return home to an empty apartment to relax.
Some people, however, are not like me. Many crave the thrill of socialization after a long hard day with friends. Sometimes, even, with the friend that they share a house with. Whether it’s Chandler and Joey or Marshall and Ted, many strive to be those wonderful cohabitants who share and do everything together. Unfortunately, not all of us get to live with our future best friends. Most of us end up splitting rent with some guy we were casual acquaintances with for a year or two before growing to resent each other’s eating habits. Buzzfeed, in their infinite whatever the opposite of “wisdom” is, have listed 29 milestones that those bestest friends forever will eventually conquer, and which don’t apply to the 99% of us currently sharing a room with a possible serial killer we met on Craigslist. Let this be a warning, though, to all future roommates of introverts like me, that this shit you find “endearing” we find “fucking infuriating.”
1. When you start borrowing each other’s stuff on a regular basis.
Fuck off. What’s mine is mine, not “what’s mine is mine and sometimes yours.” I’m not a complete dick, if you want to use something in the communal space or occasionally use something of mine, that’s fine. But if I see you suddenly wearing my favorite button-down I’m going to freak out. I don’t care that we’re the same size, if I wanted to wear clothes also worn by a stranger I’d just shop from Goodwill.
2. To the point where you don’t even really need to ask each other anymore, you pretty much just share everything.
Growing up, I never shared anything with my brother. He was and is my best friend, but he knew better than to take my shit without asking. You want to use my stuff, all you have to do is ask. I’ll probably say yes if you’re not a total douchebag.
Oh, and if you think it’s weird that my brother and I never learned to share, don’t worry. We learned valuable lessons like John Locke’s Labor Theory of Property, how to care for things we owned, and when to tap out when big bro has you in an arm-bar
3. When you start going grocery shopping together and even cooking meals together.
Look, I’m a dude. I can barely microwave a Trader Joe’s Lamb Vindaloo without burning the house down. You think me and Gus are going to be standing next to each other chopping veggies and playing show tunes?
4. When one of you comes home after the other and says “HONEY I’M HOMEE!!”
No one has the panache or charisma to say this without sounding like a complete asshat. Other similar phrases would be “Let’s do the damn thing!” “Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Willis” and “Let’s hug it out bitch.”
5. And you feel a little bit like you’re an old married couple.
Do you also forget where you left your reading glasses and drop vaguely racist remarks without warning?
6. When one of you goes on holiday or back to your parents, and you genuinely miss each other.
Bullshit, you walk around basking in the freedom of being able to fart without consideration, having total dominion over the common area, and not having anyone passive-aggressively remind you to rinse the shower after each use.
7. Even if it’s just a couple of days.
You’re praying a snowstorm hits, closes the airport, and you get another day of privacy.
8. When you tackle a big job together, like cleaning the oven or bleeding the radiators.
Division of labor people. Henry Ford didn’t revolutionize the automotive industry by having four jackasses sitting around trying to put the car together. And you jackasses would probably be able to put a car together faster than get that oven cleaned.
9. When you start talking in great detail about your toilet habits.
No. Just fuck no. I don’t care if we are married, some things just need to remain unspoken. Unless the statement contains the phrase “I’m worried because it’s bloody/yellow/been two weeks” I don’t want you to go into any detail, great or small.
10. And aren’t afraid to yell “HURRY UP I NEED TO TAKE A FAT SHIT” if the other has been in the bathroom too long.
…I will move out, change my identity, and leave my half of the lease in your hands, you disgusting animal. Also, if my future wife ever does this while we are living together, I will file for divorce that same day.
11. In fact, because you’re so open with each other now, you just leave the bathroom door unlocked.
12. Because letting the other pee while you’re in the shower has become your policy.
Please realize that the most significant individual to support this position is one George Costanza. Is that really the person you want representing your viewpoint?
13. When one of you is bringing someone back to the apartment and asks the other one to frantically clean their room or remove anything “incriminating”.
Okay, well this is the decent thing to do. Bro Code clearly states that one Bro should do whatever possible to facilitate another Bro’s hooking up, so I am obligated to help. However, if you have been wearing my clothes without asking I miiiiight leave them in the closet with the door wide open.
14. And then you hear them having sex but you’re actually kinda happy for them.
Yeah I probably am. And if the two of you get into some fight or she starts doing something weird, this is better than my stories child.
15. Some of the time anyway.
Like when she’s clearly been faking for the last twenty minutes. Just take your L, regroup, watch the film, and come back stronger next time.
16. When one of you gets an S.O. who starts to come round often but the three of you just hang out together.
Look I treat S.O.’s with the same attitude that I’d treat my roommate’s male friends: they’re of no use to me unless we organically get along and/or they’re hooking me up with hot friends. If she’s just alright, well no disrespect but I’d rather not watch ‘Bad Boys II‘ with the background commentary about how Will Smith was so much better in ‘Pursuit of Happyness.’
17. When you spend a long, slovenly Sunday together eating takeout and watch Netflix.
I can, have, and will do this one by myself. The beautiful part is that I don’t have to fight anyone for control of the TV. If I want to watch the first half of ‘Transformers’ then suddenly get the urge to watch a few random episodes of ‘Avatar: the Last Airbender’ there’s no one to question my whims and desires.
18. And when you start a brand new series together.
For sure, this is a great bonding tool. But I prefer the experience of rewatching a series I love with someone who hasn’t seen it yet. I get to geek out and watch them realize how great my taste is. Starting a new series has it’s complications…
19. That you’re only allowed to watch TOGETHER, no skipping ahead.
Yeah I’m not going to not watch the new episode of ‘the Handmaid’s Tale’ because you went to a wedding. I can’t avoid spoilers that long! I’m but a mere mortal!
20. When one of you has people round for dinner and the other seamlessly fits in with everyone else.
Or the other has no desire to be social, knows that if he shows his face he’ll be roped into a lengthy conversation, be unable to turn down a seat, and so he’s resigned to hiding in his own room like Anne Frank.
21. Or when you have a house party at yours and all of your friends and crushes come together.
Yet somehow, you’re the one who ends up alone. Adult parties: it’s like musical chairs where the chairs can avoid you.
22. When you can start being a pure slob around each other without feeling judged.
No, no you cannot. Everyone has the line that another cannot cross without grossing them out. Otherwise, we’d all be sitting in piles of our own filth, burping and picking our noses with no reservations, and society would crumble. Don’t be the douche who never clears the sink, runs the dishwasher, or leaves half-eaten food on plates all around the house. Clean up like a goddamn adult, or do you just want ants? Because that’s how you get ants.
23. And when you no longer have to worry about getting fully clothed every time you leave your room, because being half-naked is the norm now.
No, please, be clothed around me. Either you’re in much better shape than me, in which case I now feel bad about myself, or you’re in worse shape, in which case don’t be proud of your body.
24. When you start doing things together outside of your apartment, like going to your local cinema or bar.
Yeah, it’s great to have a buddy to go out and do stuff with. Luckily, I have those. And I don’t taint my friendship with them by forcing us to squabble over who’s turn it is to vacuum.
25. When you look after each other when one of you is sick.
Dammit man, I’m a lawyer not a doctor. Best you can hope from me is to put some tylenol, water, and a bucket near your head before I dip out, spraying disinfectant on everything I can as I leave. You’re lucky I don’t pitch a tent outside and shove you into my makeshift quarantine.
26. Or just horribly, horribly hungover.
You probably went a bit too hard, and didn’t prep your blackout did you? You have my sympathies, but tough shit.
27. When you can start telling each other about your bad days, not just your good days.
Or, even better, let’s just not tell each other about our days at all! Unless your day involved a chance encounter with a celebrity, you saved a human from certain death, or you won some sort of eating contest, I really don’t care.
28. And even though you see each other every morning and evening, you still text during the day.
Nope. I don’t care what Mindy in sales said. I’m not invested in the drama of the group of NPCs that occupies your life. Anything that happens in your day doesn’t affect me and I will mute your text conversation if you don’t stop texting me about who is getting fired.
29. When you start referring to them as your mate rather than just your roommate.
No one does this. No one, unless you two are actually married. If you are, then good for you. Hope you two crazy kids make it work. .
[via Buzzfeed]
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@joshetyler
@joshetyler
Roommates are terrible and I’ve gone through life with about a 50/50 split of being best friends or enemies after living together. Still to be determined with my wife, but my dog is better than most people…and she still shits on the floor sometimes.
I’m going to assume that your wife doesn’t jump on you out of pure joy every time you come home, so I think that your dog is definitely the better roommate.
I believe this has already been discussed, but a dog is better than any and all roommates
Feral Children approve this message lol
Stock photo still makes me cringe every time i see it. I can actually hear the redhead saying “YAAAAAAAAS QUEEEEEEN”
I’d let her scream in my face all day.
Girl on the right is right up my alley. 10/10 would be her ‘mate
BIG fan of the messy bun and glasses look.
They would be the worst possible roommate options for an introvert
This is really just a list of what it’s like being married
I think a lot of these things would annoy anyone, not just introverts.
People are fucking weird.
Yeah this is not roommate behavior, this is serious, long term, romantic relationship behavior. Have fun doing this for 1-3 years and then watching your friendship deteriorate in front of you.
I’ve had a mix of experiences with roommates. I lived with one friend and one initial stranger. Ironically, I found the stranger to be the far better roommate and I know longer talk to the initial friend.
Living with friends will either make you closer or you’ll grow to resent them. Strangers and family can be the better choices sometimes. I just finished living with my brother and regardless of what happens, I can’t just cut him out of my life.
You must have a shitty relationship with your roommate. I found most of these to be true.
I roomed with a psycho from work that I hated and most of these were still true after 3 months.
This is the most accurate thing I’ve ever read. The other week I had to ask my roommate what flavor Gatorade I liked…