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How much do I love the people? I’ll tell you how much I love the people. I love the people so much that instead of going to see John Wick: Chapter 2 hungover on Sunday afternoon, I went to go see a matinee of 50 Shades Darker, which is a film so terrible, so poorly written, it borders on crime against the arts – and this is coming from a guy who owned the collector’s edition of Caddyshack 2 on DVD.
I could review the movie and tell you about how bad it sucked and drone on about how Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have the chemistry of a Roman candle soaked in urine, but I won’t. The movie is terrible.
The real $13 worth of entertainment came from watching eager women dragging their mans into a theater to watch this 119-minute long edgy high school sex diary entry. I sat there alone in the dark theater like an idiot and resigned myself to the fact that this was going to be the most upsetting theater experience of my life. I could have bailed out and caught the 3:15 showing of John Wick, until sucker #1 walked through the door. The content gods revealed themselves to me. There was no way in hell I was giving any thought to this filmed monkey shit fight. Watch me turn this monkey shit into monkey salad. I was in prime position to watch every poor sap walk into the theater, and I had each and every one of them pegged from the start.
Guy #1: Guy Obviously Trying To Make Up For a Drunk Fight
They were in their mid-20s. She was wearing sweatpants, he was wearing a ballcap and his 64 oz. drink had a blue tint to it. Definitely blue Powerade. You hungover son of a bitch. How many people saw you two fighting in the street last night? I’d put the over/under at 29.5. Props to you, though, a movie is a great way to patch things up after a nasty drunk fight. You sit in silence for a couple hours, she’ll grab for your hand at a scary/romantic part and it’ll be like you never accused her of texting her ex in the first place. Way to go, buddy. Ride out the storm.
Guy #2: Husband Paying Dearly Now That Football Season Is Over
This poor guy. We are all this guy. A shattered, shattered human being. Eyes glazed over. Muscle memory had him reaching for his phone every few minutes to check scores or text his bookie. The gigantic bucket of popcorn was a dead giveaway too. Diet started Monday and this dude’s wife had been force-feeding him Qwest bars and salmon all week. She had that “Hey, you can do this ONE THING for me after all the shit I went through for 21 Sundays” look on her face. She’s got him by the gourds now and there’s nothing he can do about it.
Guy #3: Older Couple Looking for a Spark
Had to be mid-50s. Couple of empty nesters maybe? This just made me super sad, but also a little hopeful. This guy is a gamer. He’s dealing with low T and multiple tuition payments a month, so it’s no wonder he’s looking to ignite the flames of passion in his marriage. He’s been in the game long enough to know what it takes to keep his lady happy and if that meant dealing with two hours of softcore so he could fire one off later, this pain would have to be borne. Cialis and malbec on deck for my boy after putting up with this nonsense. Get you a slice, brother.
Guy #4: Way Too Early in the Relationship to be Doing This
Early 20s. Rookie jitters. Prime suspect for breaking the Thanksgiving-through-Valentine’s Day no-relationship rule and a guy who probably took cuffing season a little too far. Five minutes into the first quarter and he’s already abandoned the run game. His eyes were nervously darting around the theater to see if he knew anyone there who might mistake this Sunday date for an actual step towards a real relationship. Or is he already in a relationship and he just doesn’t know it? He’s caught in a game of chicken that may not end until he’s staring her in the face on their wedding day. Going to see this kind of smut this early in the courtship is serious stuff. He didn’t pull the chute before V-Day and now he’s about to pay the iron price.
Guy #5: Guy Who Was WAYYYY too Excited to Be There
He started squealing when the lights went down. They sat behind me. Could’ve been a gay bestie? I don’t think so. Heard the unsettling plopping noise of a makeout throughout the movie and maybe a zipper, but I couldn’t be sure. I can’t say I didn’t respect the move. Never too old for that one.
Guy #6: Weird Dude By Himself in a Hoodie and Sweatpants
Pot meet kettle. Pretty sure this is how Pee Wee Herman got popped for lewd behavior back in ‘91. I was such a deep hungover stupor that I didn’t have the self-awareness of how creepy my presence was there. But you know what? I don’t really even care.
Shoutout to me for sticking this one out. .
Image via Shutterstock