An Honest Job Listing For The Junior Associate I’m Currently Looking To Hire

An Honest Job Listing For The Junior Associate I'm Currently Looking To Hire

Name: Hopefully easy to pronounce, ideally not something that clearly indicates your parents were into “fad” names like Everly or Bella, but not generic enough that I’ll have to sigh with defeat knowing there’s going to be yet another Whitney or Chris on our floor.

Alma Mater: Lol absolutely no one actually gives a shit. Our founder is a college dropout and at least seven and a half people I work with who are in executive positions don’t have a degree. I’m just shy of having three undergrads and use only one of them on a regular basis. I’m hiring someone to do entry level work, I could not possibly care less about where you did kegstands and skipped class the next day because of your hangovers. And no, I’m absolutely not going to check to confirm your graduation because this isn’t a hospital and it doesn’t matter.

Major: Again, I give so few shits about this I am metaphorically constipated. Honestly, I’m assuming at least 50% of these applications will have fudged majors to make it seem like they majored in something related to this industry. It would be better to admit that you defied your parent’s expectations and studied something completely bonkers like, I don’t know, organic vegan farming because that will be an interesting talking point, at the very least.

Previous employers?: I sincerely hope you have either worked for or even better, WITH, someone I know because then I get to ask them everything about you off the record over a bottle of pinot and that’s when the truth always comes out. (This is when you should search to figure out if I know someone you worked with and if I have, pray.)

What were your reasons for leaving your previous employers?: Again, if it’s someone I know, I’m going to find out the truth. But tbh, I’m just mostly curious in figuring out how good your spin skills are.

Desired salary?: Lol. This is a junior position. Congrats on the stellar healthcare and being hired somewhere that will pay for your lunch all the time and for your drinks every Thursday and at every event. The rest is not exactly “up for discussion” and if you think it is, you obviously think your negotiation skills are better than they actually are.

Why do you want to work at [Insert Company Name Here]?: Please don’t fangirl about our company. Just like honestly, please don’t. Please don’t try to name drop about the people who’ve been associated that you admire, and how you’ve been into what we do for literal years. It just makes you look desperate and I get nervous you’re going to ask about what people who I’m actually friends with are like IRL during our interview.

What makes you qualified to be a Junior Associate at [Insert Company Name Here]?: Aka: 1) Can you spell and do you know the difference between “everyday” and “every day,” “affect” and “effect,” and the there-trifecta?

2) Are you ready to do a lot of boring tasks and act like they’re so interesting you feel #blessed to be here?

3) Do you have a parent or a friend of a friend who is going to be a reference that I’m supposed to care about?

Describe your three biggest strengths: So help me god if one of them is, “I’m just such a workaholic” I will literally slap you.

Describe your three biggest weaknesses: So help me god if you try to play, “I’m just such a workaholic” as a WEAKNESS, I will slap you twice. Once with each hand.

What do you see yourself bringing to this position that any other applicants would not?: My dream scenario is that you, the applicant, happen to know and HATE another applicant and what ensues is a wildly entertaining verbal duel to the death. But really, it would just be great if you figured out how to say “I will annoy you the least and be the MOST self-sufficient” without me having to prompt that out of you.

Where do you see yourself in five years?: Come up with a better answer than, “Well ideally at [Insert Company Name Here]!” Honestly. Please. PLEASE.

What sort of things are you hoping to accomplish from your time at [Insert Company Name Here]?: Because, truly, some of your time will be spent doing my bitch work. Which will include Googling hangover cures, getting me said hangover cures, answering emails from people I don’t feel like talking to, and dealing with people I know will curse you out when I’m too stressed to maintain my professionalism. Sorry, hon. Welcome to entry level!

What are the last few things you think I should know about you?: To be completely honest I’m just hoping you don’t have a weird obsession with Taylor Swift and/or are applying for this job solely to find either a husband (or) girlfriend. So as long as you’re not, well, a crazy basic person, you’re probably going to get a second interview.

Good luck.

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