Columns

All The Thoughts You Have While Left Alone At A Guy’s Place For The First Time

All The Thoughts You Have While Left Alone At A Guy’s Place For the First Time

It’s a well-known fact that women are pretty judgmental creatures. We often can’t help it, and we occasionally find ourselves unknowingly participating in the activity even when it is best to just let things be. This means that yes, she judged you on what you were wearing the first time you met. She also judged you on your drink order on your first date. You can add your job and your hobbies to that list too. And I can guarantee that she is 100% judging your apartment the first time you invite her over. Especially when Saturday morning rolls around and your boss calls in a favor, thus leaving her to her own devices. And by that I mean, her sometimes frightening mind that likes to jump to unnecessary irrational conclusions.

He said I could stay as long as I want, but how long is too long? It’s not like he’ll ever know.

Oh, he made coffee! Aww that’s sweet.

And there’s no milk. Or creamer. Or sugar. Guess I’m choking this down. Kinda like last night…hey oh!

So we have beer and water in the fridge and that’s it. And nothing to eat in the cupboard. Right, because guys are bad at groceries.

Man, this view is really nice. How much is he paying for this place? Probably too much.

Why aren’t there blinds or curtains on this giant window? I wonder how often people look up here…should I go put pants on?

Meh, it’s like a little peep show for the traffic below. We should have sex against here…

Ugh, how many other girls has he fucked in front of this window?

There is so much golf stuff on the walls. I guess the fact that he has anything on the walls is good.

Wait, if this continues do I have to pretend to be interested in golf?? Does offering to drive the cart while drinking beer count as being supportive?

This desk is really organized. To open the drawers or not…because how shady is that? I’m only making sure he isn’t secretly a serial killer. And if I come across a bank statement, so be it.

Is it weird to watch tv while I finish this cup of coffee?

When I end up watching something girly, do I have to change it back when I leave so he doesn’t know?

Should I just shower here? It’ll make me feel less walk of shame-y. Not that I’m ashamed of anything, but I’ll feel less judged at brunch if I don’t completely look like trash.

Do I want to smell like Axe body wash all day? Let’s skip that. Although this bathroom is surprisingly clean.

Where are all my clothes?

Well since his closet is already open, a quick peek. Yikes, polos in every color. Okay, he has a consistent style. Points for that, I guess.

God, this bed needs a makeover. What color is this blanket even supposed to be? No headboard. Where are you tying girls up to?

Oh, maybe he’s not into that.

Should I try and spice things up next time? Assuming there is a next time.

Lord, calm down. You’re thinking like a sex-crazed teenager when you just got some last night.

Eww. Hey, used condom on the ground. He couldn’t pick that up when he got up? At least he wore one.

Didn’t even have to tell him, he just whipped it out. That’s nice. Don’t make me force you to be responsible.

Should I make the bed before I go? Is that cute or weird?

Let’s assume cute? And considerate. Yes, considerate.

And there’s your hoodie folded nicely as well.

See, I’m a good guest. Definitely getting asked to stay over again.

Shit, where is my other earring? Do I text him and ask him to look for it if I can’t find it? It’s not like it was expensive, but it’s the point of it.

Agh, is that what time it is?! I’m going to be freaking late to brunch. Again.

Whatever. Sorry, I got laid last night.

Image via YouTube

Email this to a friend

Whatever Lola Wants

Outward appearance of being a hot mess with just enough Type A personality to not be a complete disappointment to my parents. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.

19 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More