======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
The holidays are a time for cheer, a time for friends, a time for love, and most importantly a time for your family to relentlessly shame you for your life choices. While all of my life choices, from career trajectory to being notoriously single are completely up for grabs, my personal favorite point of holiday contention is the obliterating of my physical appearance. Nothing says home for the holidays like a once over by every woman in my family, determining if and how frequently I’ve been working out, whether or not I’ve made any more poor tattoo decisions, and finally what type of clothing I have foolishly deemed appropriate to adorn my body with during this time of love and light.
No woman in my family is more regal, more classy, or more observant when it comes to outfit compilation than my steel magnolia of a grandmother. The woman floats around like a Vogue editorial, a perfect embodiment of the famous article I just made up entitled “How To Age Gracefully and Look Fantastic While Doing It.” Vogue man, so creative.
My grandmother, also known as Grandmother, has spent years attempting to mold her granddaughters into sophisticated, well dressed young ladies worthy of our family name. While I will try my best to make her proud, I can say with fantastic confidence that I will once again fail to meet expectation. The below clothing items are just a few of the things I will wear to inadvertently (mostly inadvertently) insult Grandmother this holiday season.
Knee High Boots: I’m late to the game; I get it. Honestly though, I expected the knee-high boot trend to die as quickly as it came. Unfortunately, however, unlike the infamous Romphim or Vintage Band T-Shirt trends of 2017, the knee-highs are here to stay. I’m not sure what’s going to insult Grandmother more, the contrast between my “very long boots and very short skirt” or my incorrect assumption that I am hot enough to stomp around town in a shoe originally made popular by one or all of Charlie’s Angels. “Victoria, you are not a tomb slayer, and this is not Halloween. So, unless you have secured a job at the closest street corner, please god all mighty have some decency and put on a kitten heel” is alarmingly close to what Grandmother will say in front of no less than 8-12 strangers at the mall.
Men’s Boxers: We all own them. I’m not sure how, but for whatever reason I own 3-4 pairs of men’s boxers that I rotate as sleepwear. Now, before you go making assumptions, I’m 80% sure these were all purchased either for my various Risky Business costumes throughout the years or because I briefly went through a tomboy phase (by briefly I mean like 6 years of my young life). Either way, upon seeing me in my boxers first thing in the morning Grandmother will certainly assume that there are 1 or more men sneaking out of my upstairs window, I have defiled my childhood bed, and that I am now flaunting my indecent behavior by gallivanting around adorned in men’s undergarments, a token of my unquenchable thirst for satanic lust. Honestly, if I got as much action as Grandmother assumes, I’d be a whole lot less up tight.
Pajama Set: I get it, this is confusing considering I just announced that I sleep in men’s boxers. You’ll have to understand however, that if you’re doing fashion right you’re not wearing your overpriced pajama set to bed, you’re wearing it out in the wild with heels and a lot of fucking confidence. It’s a trend, like so many, that should have been reserved for the likes of Gigi Hadid and Selena Gomez, but what good is a trend if us normals aren’t here to ruin it. Grandmother’s jaw will hit the floor when I hit the town in my “house wear”. There’s about an 80% chance that she asks my mother if I’m having an Ambien induced fit or if we have somehow gone broke and had to sell every other clothing item I own. No Grandmother, it’s fashion. Get with it.
Chokers: I hate them, you hate them, we all hate them, but somehow this holiday season I guarantee you find yourself in one. Whether or not you swallowed your pride and purchased a velvet choker from the internet because let’s be real, you look hot. Or, you were given one by your brother’s girlfriend and thought “why not,” threw that thing on, and abruptly had the wind knocked out of you because you look like an original member of the Spice Girls and you like it (or you fastened it too tight and literally cut off your airway). Either way, you and I both will indeed be wearing a choker this season and Grandmother is not going to like it. “Are you a dog?” is all she has to say, one perfectly raised eyebrow emphasizing her disdain. Ice cold Grandmother, ice cold.
No Bra: It’s 2017 baby. We’re freeing the nipple faster than we’re cracking I-phone screens and I’m all in. Now, I do concede there are certain scenarios I prefer to wear a bra, like in the office or whilst playing sports. That being said, the less padding I see during my Christmas vacation the better. Plus, with the amount of alternative undergarments there are nowadays, I could probably kiss the bra goodbye year round. Leotards, lace bralettes, pasties, oh my! The list of alternative bras I plan to rock this holiday season will confuse Grandmother more than having to transition from Hotmail to I-Cloud, but hey, life’s too short not to embrace a pointy nipple. Plus, I won’t pull a millennial and take credit for this movement. Ladies since the 60’s have been rejecting the bra and going naked under the blouse, I’m just hopping on the band wagon and riding it straight to New Years. Who knows, maybe Grandmother will approve.
I can’t say my outfits won’t cause a scene this Christmas, that’d be a lie and I don’t want to lie to you guys. What I can say however, is that if I do go out in a blaze of family-humiliating glory, at least I’ll go out in style..