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There are steps in life that you’re expected to take. From before you can even walk, your parents are saving for college that you’ll just have to end up taking out loans for anyway. You go to middle school where you’re expected to get straight As just so you can get into the best high school classes. In high school, you’re expected to get into AP courses to ease your workload once you get into college. And once you get into college, you’re expected to say what you want to do for the rest of your life at the age of 18. An age where you can’t legally drink yet let alone have the financial acumen to say, “This career path will make me the happiest person until I get forced into early retirement.”
But what if I told you that you could skip all these steps? That you could go from Point A to Point D without having to get good grades, beat yourself down with homework, and apply for entry-level jobs that expect you to have five years of work experience? What if I told you that you could simply become a piece of arm candy otherwise known as a “trophy husband”?
After all, we’re modern people living in modern times. No longer is marriage solely between a man and a woman. No longer do you see the prefix “Dr.” precede a last name and automatically assume that doctor is a man. No longer are we even allowed to use simply “man” and “woman” to define sex or gender. And yes, no longer are we pigeonholing the “trophy” stereotype to just wives.
Which is why these are the necessary steps you need to take in order to maximize your chances of being the best trophy husband in your cul-de-sac.
Step 1. Begin a stringent yoga regimen.
You’re not going to become a trophy by being a bump on a log who watches The Price Is Right every day. That step comes after you’re both already too invested in your marriage and afraid to start over.
Yoga, for all intents and purposes, is the perfect trophy husband exercise. While getting you in the shape you need to be in in order to get shown off at black-tie galas, it also gives you the peace of mind that allows you to get over the fact that you’re useless in this world. And when you’re running errands wearing Outdoor Voices joggers paired with a lululemon technical moisture-wicking shirt that perfectly shows off your pecs, all the other soccer moms will swoon.
Step 2. Cooking classes.
When your bread-winning wife (or husband/partner, no judgment here) comes back from a long day’s work, they expect to have a steaming hot plate of chicken marsala sitting on the island kitchen along with a fat glass of cab. You don’t even know what chicken marsala is, do you? Exactly, which is why you need to enroll in some cooking classes at Sur La Table or Williams Sonoma. Mid-week repeat meals or leftovers simply aren’t an option when you have this much free time. We’re talking French Food Fridays and Mongolian Beef Mondays here, guys.
And besides, while in class, it gives you the social interaction you crave while locked up in the house all day waiting for 6:30 to hit when they finally walk through the front door.
Step 3. Build up your substance tolerance.
It would be blasphemous to expect someone to stay at home all day without experimenting with alcohol and pills. That’s part of the allure and fun of being a trophy husband in the first place, right? But should they get home from the office and you’re passed out face down on the couch with a bottle of chardonnay tipped over on your Crate & Barrel coffee table, that’s a one-way ticket to getting run through the cleaners in divorce court.
After you do non-consecutive months of Whole 30 (get used to doing them, or at least attempting to convince your busy spouse to do them), your alcohol tolerance plummets. Which is why you need to sneak in morning cocktails to stay on your toes and have a nightcap before going to bed every night to ensure you can handle hangovers. You know, because you get them every. single. day.
Step 4. Cleanliness is close to godliness.
Another habit that’s necessary to incorporate into your daily life is cleaning because of all the cigarettes you’ll start to smoke. Not only do they help cool your nerves, but they also don’t affect your cardio because you’re doing yoga rather than training for marathons.
Unfortunately, with American Spirits come bad smelling clothing and furniture. Finding ways around wreaking of cigarettes and red wine is essential to maintaining your role, especially when you spill red wine on the couch. Doing so will only jeopardize your status as trophy husband.
Step 5. Accept loneliness.
Your spouse is gone. Your friends are working. The kids are at school. You’ll eventually begin to feel worthless which means you’ll begin to wonder why you chose this path for yourself rather than making money on your own merit.
Steps around this include (but are not limited to): building a large Instagram following using meals from your cooking class, volunteering, getting a mistress, or catfishing someone using dating apps.
Sure, not the noblest of ventures, but better than getting an actual job. .
Image via YouTube