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There are a lot of clashing viewpoints in our society. Political differences, religious beliefs, whether you’re Team Pam or Team Karen. No one can agree on anything, everyone is constantly battling about which opinion is better, and we’re all just miserable little balls of flesh, floating around this Earth, craving validation for our shitty opinions.
How’s that for a mid-week confession, huh?
But, I’m here to offer some solace. Some peace. Some comfort and understanding in this scary, confusing world. Because while wars are happening, people are dying, and a baby is crying in the seat right behind you on your red-eye and you’re so hungover you just want to die, there’s some hope. Some light. Some glimmer of fucking goodness in this dark, bleak world filled with the unknown.
The great pizza debate is solved. Finished. Wrapped up and placed in a to-go box. Peace over the pieces has been settled.
What is The Great Pizza Debate, you ask, as you sit in your cubical and avoid the alerts from your financing app reminding you not to spend too much money this weekend? You know, the one where some of the people say NYC slices are the best, others fight for Chicago deep dish, and other jabronies pipe up with their locales just to feel included? Well, I’m here to end it, once and for all. The answer is so simple, I can’t believe we’re not all shouting it from the rooftops this very moment…
All pizza is good pizza.
I know, I know. This is where everyone shakes their fists at the sky and scream something along the lines of, “IF IT’S NOT FROM NEW YORK IT DOESN’T EVEN COUNT AS PIZZA, ASSHOLE!”
But the thing is, it doesn’t matter where the pie is from — it’s truly hard to have “bad” pizza. Sure, there’s great pizza out there, I agree. There’s pizza that takes you on a journey. There are slices out there that are true revelations: the melt-in-your-mouth cheese, the sweet sauce, the mouthwatering meats, and the plump produce. There are pizzas out there so gorgeous, so tantalizing, so perfect, that despite the fact that most of the time we’re so hungover we’re just counting down the days until we die, a perfect pizza gives us something to live for.
But when it comes down to it, while there are those revolutionary slices, basically all pizza is “good.” Just like basically all sex is “good.” While yes, there is the occasional, shockingly bad tryst, for the most part, even mediocre encounters are good. Sure, if unwanted teeth are involved or excessive dryness happens, you might chalk it up to a bad time. But otherwise? You’re still having sex. You don’t have much to complain about.
And guess what, friends? That’s how pizza is. Sure, if it’s burnt to a crisp or covered in olives (seriously, what kind of monster puts olives on a pizza), then maybe it’s inedible. But if we’re fucked up enough, we’re sure as shit going to try to eat. And even more? We’re probably still going to like it. Pizza can be left out all night, and in the morning we can grab it cold and be transported to heaven. It can be from the frozen food aisle, a gas station, or an elementary school cafeteria — it doesn’t matter. Because the only thing that matters? Is that it’s pizza.
So, sure, there’s absolutely great pizza and there’s absolutely mediocre pizza out there. But at the end of it all, it comes down to the same things: bread, sauce, and cheese. So, whether you’re getting it from a street corner in NYC, a hole in the wall in Chicago, or just a random chain in your town that happens to be open at 2 a.m., be thankful that you’re eating the best food in the world and stop your bitching. Also, Chicago deep dish FTW. Just sayin.’.