A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be My Best Chance For A Serious Relationship

A Zombie Apocalypse Would Be My Best Chance For A Serious Relationship

Whether you realize it or not, you probably have some obscure topic that you could talk someone’s ear off about. Maybe it’s athletic supplements, maybe it’s the chemical makeup of different types of alcohols. I know my roommate has all of the Harry Potter books, plus two additional versions in German, and posters of all four Hogwarts houses hanging in our living room. I’m cool with it. Magic is dope.

The one thing that all of these have in common is that they’re all generally harmless. Childish, maybe. But nobody’s going to look at the 25-year-old girl on the Blue Line reading Chamber of Secrets and be concerned.

Unless you’re me, and your obscure topic is the idea of a zombie apocalypse.

I don’t really post about it on social media and I don’t write about it often, but I fucking love everything that has to do with zombies. My favorite show is The Walking Dead. One of my favorite books is World War Z, and I’ve been known to stay in during the month of October and marathon zombie movies all day.

I’m sure there are some of you reading this thinking, “Uh, okay Charlie. None of that is unique. You’re starting to sound like that girl who swears she’s not like the other girls because she watches sports.” Let me assure you, I’m not.

I can tell you the best weapon/tactic to kill zombies depending on the kind of zombie that they are. Yeah, there’s more than one kind. Some are slow, some are fast, some have to bite you to infect you, for some, all it takes is for them to get their blood on you. Other things to take into account are whether or not the zombie virus has gone airborne, what the cause of the outbreak was (i.e. was there some kind of radioactive material that caused them to become mutated, or was it just a strand of rabies that we had never seen before?), and even your physical surroundings.

To take it a step further, I even have two separate documents saved to my personal laptop that involve separate plans for if the outbreak happens; one for if I’m able to get in touch with my family, one for if I’m a lone ranger. Either way, they ultimately result in piling into my sweet, sweet 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe and getting my ass to a rural destination that isn’t too far from a smaller metropolitan area, such as Des Moines or the outskirts of Madison, Wisconsin. That way, we can start up agriculture again while also being able to scavenge for non-perishables in the bigger areas.

It would be a lie for me to say that I don’t know how I got this way. I could tell you that it might be because I was exposed to Dawn of the Dead at an impressionable age. I could say that my parents were really into this stuff and that got transferred onto me. I could probably even make a case about me picking up one of the Walking Dead graphic novels at the library when I was young and it turned me on to the whole genre. None of that would be true though. The real reason is significantly less complex or deep rooted in my childhood or adolescence.

The fact is, I’m really attracted to strong, confident, and independent women. If you look at my track record of people I’ve dated, the one thing that they’ve all had in common is that they frequently stood up for what they believed in and wouldn’t take shit from anyone. I find that quality so fucking attractive, I can’t get enough of it. The problem is, I myself am not a super confident person. I can fake it just fine, but once these women get to see the neurotic mess that is my inner-workings, it’s kind of a turn off.

Enter: the zombie apocalypse. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my decade and a half of research, it’s that there are two personalities that will survive: the strong and confident, and the smart and terrified. I like to think that I’m a combination of the two, but the fact is, this is really the only setting where I could find myself face to face with someone who balances me out. Someone who shows me to be strong, and someone I can show how to take literally nothing seriously.

Being some of the last people on Earth and therefore able to bone as loud as we want, as freaky as we want, whenever we want, as long as we were in a secure area…well that would just be an added bonus.

Image via AMC / YouTube

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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