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Whether you realize it or not, you probably have some obscure topic that you could talk someone’s ear off about. Maybe it’s athletic supplements, maybe it’s the chemical makeup of different types of alcohols. I know my roommate has all of the Harry Potter books, plus two additional versions in German, and posters of all four Hogwarts houses hanging in our living room. I’m cool with it. Magic is dope.
The one thing that all of these have in common is that they’re all generally harmless. Childish, maybe. But nobody’s going to look at the 25-year-old girl on the Blue Line reading Chamber of Secrets and be concerned.
Unless you’re me, and your obscure topic is the idea of a zombie apocalypse.
I don’t really post about it on social media and I don’t write about it often, but I fucking love everything that has to do with zombies. My favorite show is The Walking Dead. One of my favorite books is World War Z, and I’ve been known to stay in during the month of October and marathon zombie movies all day.
I’m sure there are some of you reading this thinking, “Uh, okay Charlie. None of that is unique. You’re starting to sound like that girl who swears she’s not like the other girls because she watches sports.” Let me assure you, I’m not.
I can tell you the best weapon/tactic to kill zombies depending on the kind of zombie that they are. Yeah, there’s more than one kind. Some are slow, some are fast, some have to bite you to infect you, for some, all it takes is for them to get their blood on you. Other things to take into account are whether or not the zombie virus has gone airborne, what the cause of the outbreak was (i.e. was there some kind of radioactive material that caused them to become mutated, or was it just a strand of rabies that we had never seen before?), and even your physical surroundings.
To take it a step further, I even have two separate documents saved to my personal laptop that involve separate plans for if the outbreak happens; one for if I’m able to get in touch with my family, one for if I’m a lone ranger. Either way, they ultimately result in piling into my sweet, sweet 2003 Hyundai Santa Fe and getting my ass to a rural destination that isn’t too far from a smaller metropolitan area, such as Des Moines or the outskirts of Madison, Wisconsin. That way, we can start up agriculture again while also being able to scavenge for non-perishables in the bigger areas.
It would be a lie for me to say that I don’t know how I got this way. I could tell you that it might be because I was exposed to Dawn of the Dead at an impressionable age. I could say that my parents were really into this stuff and that got transferred onto me. I could probably even make a case about me picking up one of the Walking Dead graphic novels at the library when I was young and it turned me on to the whole genre. None of that would be true though. The real reason is significantly less complex or deep rooted in my childhood or adolescence.
The fact is, I’m really attracted to strong, confident, and independent women. If you look at my track record of people I’ve dated, the one thing that they’ve all had in common is that they frequently stood up for what they believed in and wouldn’t take shit from anyone. I find that quality so fucking attractive, I can’t get enough of it. The problem is, I myself am not a super confident person. I can fake it just fine, but once these women get to see the neurotic mess that is my inner-workings, it’s kind of a turn off.
Enter: the zombie apocalypse. If there’s anything I’ve learned from my decade and a half of research, it’s that there are two personalities that will survive: the strong and confident, and the smart and terrified. I like to think that I’m a combination of the two, but the fact is, this is really the only setting where I could find myself face to face with someone who balances me out. Someone who shows me to be strong, and someone I can show how to take literally nothing seriously.
Being some of the last people on Earth and therefore able to bone as loud as we want, as freaky as we want, whenever we want, as long as we were in a secure area…well that would just be an added bonus..
Image via AMC / YouTube
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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I thought Lizzie was your best chance for a serious relationship.
Duda – Slytherin
Dave – Gryffindor
Charlie, Defries, me – Hufflepuff
Dillon – Muggle
Dave – Rick
Duda – Carl
Charlie – Glenn
Dillon – Negan
Herschel – Micah
Sophia – Will
Love it.
Name one Slytherin that would wear Birkenstocks with wool socks.
I could see Pansy Parkinson, or one of Crabbe and Goyle wearing that outfit.
Only chance of getting laid being the last male human alive. PGP
A Zombie Apocalypse is my best chance at getting rid of my student loans.
That hit too close to home…
This year for Christmas my brother got me a 200 page book about surviving the zombie apocalypse. It’s dope af
What’s it called?
The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks
But would you survive?
Yeah, I know my away around a gun, how to farm and raise a garden and am in fairly good shape. I also watch survivor man so yeah I could make it 6 months or so
I feel like a good survivor movie character combination would be Tom Hanks in cast away and the kid from Jurasic Park 3.
It’s written by the same guy who wrote World War Z. If you haven’t read the Guide, you’re not a zombie expert.
See, just take it to the next logical step and get into prepping. No need to be extreme about it or anything. As a city dweller you’d probably be severely limited in your ability to survive anyways, but a bug out bag is never a bad thing to have. Also a bicycle. People never think about bicycles, but a lot of places have bike paths that cross pretty much the entire state. If you’ve got relatives in the country you can grab your bag, hop on the trail and bypass the congested highways as everyone else tries to do what you’re doing and get out of urban centers.
Also in a collapse scenario the survivors are probably going to mostly be those who are in their 20’s – 30’s. The elderly and people with diseases like diabetes or anything else that requires medication to stay alive will die sooner than later. Things like insulin don’t keep for very long without being stored properly so they’re probably consigned to death within a year at most.
Also if you have a bike you can follow train tracks out of town since most major highways will be congested or clogged with an undead horde. Plus railway tracks link most major cities and they tend to lead to major shipment hubs and depots where you can resupply on your journey.or just find abandoned railway cars full of God knows what kind of supplies or goods.
Yeah I think the key would be to just constantly have a stocked medicine cabinet. What sucks is that I don’t have room for a bike here. And it’s really hard to look like a bad ass and fire a weapon while rollin no hands on a fixed gear.
I beg to differ
I found this insanely relatable, nice work Charlie. Subscribing to this for what is likely to be an outrageous nived comment.
You think about zombies the same way I think about what would happen if a foreign country was actually able to turn off all electricity and shut down the internet in the United States.
Honestly, a more realistic scenario
Did you have a tinder girl tell you “Not if you were the last man on earth”? That’s just a saying, dude. You’ll bounce back.
Can you send me your plans for an outbreak? I would greatly appreciate it.
DM me your email