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It’s been 366 days since my first time. The first time I walked into that little blue house, the first time I sat on that soft, green couch, and the first time I truly realized that I was much more fucked up than originally anticipated.
A year and one day ago, I walked into my first-ever appointment with a therapist. Actually, “walked” isn’t even the right word. I’m not sure how, exactly, I got there. By car, obviously. But I mean emotionally — I was a mixture of fear and angst, depression and paralyzation. Still, after months of avoiding friends, gaining weight, and spiraling down into dark places that I couldn’t crawl my way out of, I knew it was time I do something about it.
So, I guess I just walked in. Simple as that.
But at the time, it was anything but simple. 366 days ago, the sheer thought of sitting across from a stranger and telling her what was wrong even though I had no idea what was wrong seemed like a mountain impossible to climb. I figured my sadness was from the strife in my family, the relationship with my parents, or the insecurity and fear of abandonment that I had wrapped around myself like a heavy cloak for as long as I could remember. That if things just worked out with my family, if my parents just realized that I was an adult, dammit, and if I just managed to feel good about myself, everything would be fine, thank you very much.
I spent most of my first session crying in front of a stranger while hunched over on that soft, green couch. Hell, I spent most of the first few months of therapy in the same position, crumpled on the velvet, praying to anyone listening that I’d just feel normal once again. That I would remember what “normal” even felt like.
If I’m being honest (and why wouldn’t I be? I’m only baring my soul here), this whole new-age, “self-work” bullshit has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But on the flip side, it’s absolutely been the most worthwhile time, money, and energy I’ve ever spent.
It’s been 366 days since my first therapy session and a lot has changed since then. The blue house has been replaced with a brick one, and the green couch has been switched out for a brown one. My sessions have dwindled from twice a week to biweekly. The panic attacks are fewer and further between and that dark, oppressive cloak of depression and anxiety is much lighter and more translucent. I take 30mg of generic Prozac every night before bed, and I get 9 hours of sleep a night (not the 15 I got when I was at my lowest point). I don’t avoid plans like the plague anymore. Better yet, I actually make plans with people now. Plans I intend to keep. I got another dog, I got engaged, and I rehabbed my broken ankle to the point that I can now walk without a limp. I’m still not running, but let’s be real — I was *never* running. Despite that, I’ve lost 35 of the 50 pounds I put on since I fell down this hole, and I laugh more than I have in a long time.
Which feels great. I always used to love to laugh.
The thing is, and this should be obvious but I feel like I need to say it anyway, none of it was easy. I don’t mean the losing weight or the re-learning to walk. That stuff sucked ass, but it was far easier than the emotional work I had to do. Because the thing is, I was clinically depressed, but it was so much more than that. Underneath everything, there were lots of wounds that needed healing and work that needed to be done.
And it wasn’t hard in the sense that I’d spend days in bed hoping that something in my life would change but not having the energy to do anything about it. No, what was hard was actually seeing the faults, the cracks, and the mistakes in my foundation. I’ve had to peel back layers of my life to get to the core of some of the pain. Like a burn victim, I needed to scape off the charred flesh to truly heal what was underneath. And honestly? What hurt more than anything was realizing that life isn’t as perfect as I once thought, and some of the truths I’ve discovered are not ideal.
From how I was raised, how my family functions, and how mental illness flows genetically through a lot of us, taking some as prisoners and leaving others feeling abandoned and alone, is just the start. I didn’t realize that the people I had once chosen to share my heart with hurt me more than I had thought, or that the way I responded to love was toxic. I didn’t know how flawed my communication style was or how the lack of boundaries I had growing up made me feel like control was the only way to survive.
How I felt that if I wasn’t always the best, always working toward the next big thing, always trying to beat the person next to me, I would be a failure of a human.
Yeah, there was a lot of shit to uncover, sift through, and dispose of. And the work isn’t over. I don’t think the work will ever be over. But I’m starting to realize I’m okay with that. I’m starting to actually look forward to that.
From the moment I started therapy, I’ve wanted to be transparent. Walking into that first session was terrifying to me on so many levels, most of all because I didn’t know anyone else who saw a doctor for their “fucked up” brain. I didn’t know what to expect, I didn’t know what others would think of me, and I didn’t know what we would discover.
Now, 366 days later, I tell almost everyone I meet that I’m seeing a psychologist. Seriously, it’s my favorite conversation. I would shout it from the mountaintops if I liked hiking and if that dang ankle that would get me to the highest peak, but I’ll have to settle for this corner of the internet. Because the thing is, therapy gave me my life back — absolutely, completely, and fully.
And if I could change one thing, I wouldn’t have waited until I fell so far to ask for help getting back up. Which is why I’m here, right now, urging anyone and everyone to go. Because sometimes the first step to getting out of that hole is to just curl up on a green couch in a blue house across from a stranger and cry until the poison is out. Don’t wait another 366 days to get out of your own darkness. Don’t wait another year to start living again..
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
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This is incredible and I’m so happy for you. I hope that this piece serves as the final push PGP readers who are considering therapy, but need that final push. Mental health is just as important as physical health and in many cases, like with depression, it’s just as physical. Just because you can see a cast covering a broken bone, but can’t see the faulty neurotransmitter activity in one’s brain causing negative thoughts and emotions, that doesn’t mean that the former is real but the latter isn’t. Both are real and serious medical issues that can and should be fixed.
I think I needed this article today. My mom passed away six months ago today. Her life insurance included grief counseling sessions for me but I’ve been putting off going mainly because I was worried about the stigma with it and also just afraid of facing all those thoughts and feelings instead of burying them. Thank you for giving me some reassurance
I have depression on top of this, so YMMV, but a month or two after my brother died I went to a grief counselor. The first visit I was sobbing which was exactly what I think you’re afraid of, but I went a few more times after that and each successive visit I felt better, both in the session and out of it. I am not going now, but will keep counseling in mind in the future if I get down again. For real, it helps.
I think about this a lot but I don’t even know where to start. Is it expensive? Does health insurance cover it at all (is this a stupid question)? I have things I definitely struggle with, mainly relationships and self worth, but I don’t know what if I’m taking up a space that someone else needs more? Are my problems big enough to qualify for therapy? Do I feel this way because I minimize my problems? Would my very new boyfriend think I’m crazy if he found out I was going? I just don’t know…
If your therapist takes your health insurance, then they do cover it. How they cover it depends on the type of health insurance plan you have (ex – if you have a $2,000 deductible and your therapist charges $200 an hour, your first ten hours won’t be covered unless you’ve made progress to that deductible from other medical expenses.) If they don’t, chances are your health insurance has some sort of out-of-network plan where you can get at least part of it paid. My therapist doesn’t take my insurance, but I have pretty good out-of-network coverage so about 65% of my cost is covered. I would consult your HR/Benefits dept at work and ask.
If you think your problems are big enough to qualify for therapy, then they probably are. Google around, different therapists specialize in different areas. Mine’s specialty is PTSD, anxiety emotional trauma, which she treats via EMDR. When I was initially looking for a therapist, I was looking for someone with that kind of expertise. I would also look at their credentials. If possible, find one with a PhD (so that they understand the physiology and chemistry of your issues) and not just an MSFT.
Finally, if your very new boyfriend would thinks that you’re crazy for treating your mental health, fuck your very new boyfriend.
Bill Nye just gave some false information. PhD psychologists study neither physiology nor chemistry, so if they tell you they understand those things, they are talking out of their asses. That said, if you need something a little more than just “talking it out”, which is what a counselor does, a psychologist (either PhD or PsyD) can give more specialized treatment like CBT. I would recommend avoiding PhDs because their education (and likely their careers) focus mainly on research, not clinical application. Go for a PsyD instead.
My therapist has a PhD in Psychology from Columbia and the thing that drew me in to her the most, besides her demeanor, was that during our first session she was able to explain to precisely and anatomically how memories work and how they are tied to emotions, how PTSD fucks up the standard memory/emotion process and how anxiety is the result of abnormal GABA neurotransmitter activity. Of course take my opinion on face value as I’m a CPA and not a scientist or a therapist, but knowing the underlying chemistry behind my problems made them more “real” rather than just going to someone to talk them out.
Also some insurances separate out of network mental health/ substance abuse from out of network medical expenses. Laying out the deductible can cause a lot of hesitation.
Also how do you find a good one?? Google? I just have so many questions.
That’s exactly how I felt when I went for the first time. I didn’t think I was “bad enough” or “crazy enough” to seek help. I didn’t know if I was just being dramatic about my problems. But honestly, as others have said, I think everyone can benefit from therapy. And as someone else on here said, it’s just as important as physical wellbeing. You wouldn’t think you’re taking up space by going to the gym, right? Same thing.
Anyway, yes, lots of health insurance plans cover some or all of your therapy. I pay out of pock and it’s around $50 per session, which is worth it to me.
I used Google, Psychology Today (which allows you to plug in your insurance info to see who is covered), and asked a close friend for suggestions to find someone I feel totally comfortable with.
As for the relationship with your boyfriend, that was a fear of mine as well. I decided to just be super honest and open with him from the start. That I wanted to do this for me and hopefully it would give me peace. Now he’s super interested, very supportive, and is considering going for himself.
Anyway, email me if you (or anyone) have/has any other questions at all!
Can confirm. I also used psychologytoday to find mine.
You should be able to go through your insurance provider to see who is in network. From there it is just 1) finding what you want and 2) making sure it is a good fit.
While there are certainly different grades of mental health issues, don’t let the idea you’re taking a place from someone else stop you. As has been discussed, mental health is just as important as physical. You wouldn’t skip the ER for a broken bone because you’re worried someone might be having a heart attack and needs it more.
Look into whether or not your employer has an Employee Assistance Program. Mine does and they helped me weed through several therapists until I found the right fit, and all of them were covered under our insurance. As far as what insurance covers, I just have to pay a co-pay, which is $30/session. That seems daunting but it’s covered with my HRA funds and it’s beyond worth it. If your employer does not have an EAP, then yes, shop around and don’t stop looking if you don’t feel comfortable with one.
My job does have EAP… I always thought of it like a financial assistance not so much counseling. But it’s included in my benefits so I made an apt for Monday. Thank you so much.
I’m glad! Best of luck. I hope you find a good fit. 🙂
I think the only way to know if your problems are big enough to qualify is to go and talk to someone about them. If they aren’t a big issue I imagine it wouldn’t take as long to “solve” them, right?
THIS! I really want to start therapy, not for anything specific (that I’m aware of yet), but i can’t rely on my mom to be my soundboard anymore and I need some 3rd party perspective. I’ve been to psychology today.com and I’ve googled therapists in my area but it’s hard to navigate and pinpoint what kind of therapist I need. I don’t want a pill pusher, I want a confidant. Any advice where to start (besides your general practitioner)?
Coming up on my six month mark myself and it’s absolutely the best decision I have ever made. Thank you for this. I’m glad to hear you are continually pushing forward in a positive direction. Everyone deserves that!
I’m so happy that seeking help for mental health has lost its stigma. It’s just as important as your physical health. I think that everyone could benefit from a therapist but have no idea what I would talk about if I went to one. “So…I saw a dog today…”
It hasn’t completely lost its stigma, a long way from it in many populations, however it has come very far in recent years. And you would be very surprised with what you might think to discuss with an objective stranger. As a professional human helper I HIGHLY encourage everyone to see a therapist. There are pro-bono agencies in almost every city with with Universities with clinical/counseling Masters or PhD programs because of the requirements of the program. If you are worried about cost (many people are) please check our your local college/university if the out of pocket cost doesn’t work in your budget.
Not like I’m a therapist or anything. Lol
When you need it, therapy is one of the best investments in yourself you can make. Good choice.
So happy for you Rachel, thank you for normalizing getting help. Just finished my third session yesterday, and already making so many more positive choices.
Therapy quite literally enabled me to leave my physically abusive ex. It’s also changed my view of myself and others, how I approach relationships, my ability to set boundaries with people…I could go on. The point is, I wouldn’t be who I am today without therapy, and part of me wonders if I’d even be here at all. 10/10, please get help if you need it.
Beautifully written. Thanks for this.
Therapy showed me that lack of control doesn’t mean out of control and that panic attacks don’t have to define me. Finding a community to share and hear truth from goes a long way.