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I used to cook. Like, a lot. I worked in a restaurant for two years and tried my hardest to keep that skill once I left. Well, it’s been almost 3 years, and whatever I had was gone.
This is my attempt to get it back.
Chicken and Veggies
For this meal, I want you to picture yourself coming home on a Monday night after spending the entire weekend treating your body like the dumpster behind a liposuction clinic. Oh yeah, you did nothing but sit on the couch, eat bacon and Doritos, maybe drink way more vodka than you should have, all culminating in your first day back at work with a puffy face and those special pants that have the elastic built into the fabric. As soon as you walk in the door, you want something fresh. Something with a juicy crunch to it. Let’s put on some Pixies to set the mood.
Oh baby, that’s what I’m talking about. A little funky, a little weird, but it kind of makes you want to dance. Anyway, tonight’s meal is a classic simple dish that I really hope I don’t fuck up. You see, I have chicken, and I have a ton of vegetables, and so I just figure that if I cook them both together it’ll end up both healthy and tasty.
Here’s what you’ll need:
– Chicken (I’m using two chicken breast cutlets because I’m balling on a budget)
– 8-9 Stalks of asparagus
– Half of a tomato
– A handful of onions
– A bigger handful of mushrooms
– A touch of olive oil
– Salt and pepper for spice
The thing that’s nice about this recipe is that you can really use any vegetables that you want, as long as you cook them all at the same time. These are the ones that I used because it was all I had in my fridge at the time, but, y’know, if you wanted to toss a pepper or two in there I’m sure it wouldn’t taste too bad. Carrots might fuck it up though. But hey, who am I to tell you how to cook?
Here’s what you’ll do:
1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Make absolutely sure it’s on Fahrenheit. If there’s anything I learned from watching Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century it’s that the difference in those two temperatures is astounding and you will probably burn your house down if your oven is set to Celcius.
2. While your oven is preheating, get a baking pan thing (not, like, a flat baking sheet, but one that’s oven safe and has a good lip to it) and line it with aluminum foil. Take your chicken and put it on one side of the pan. Feel free to add salt and pepper or whatever to those bad boys so that the flavor starts sinking in.
3. Wash your hands. Salmonella is real.
4. Take your asparagus and chop about an inch off the bottom. That part is a shitty consistency and feels like you’re chewing on bark when you bite into it. Take the rest of the asparagus and toss it into a gallon zip-lock bag.
5. Slice the tomato into three slices. I only used half because I had half of one left and I wanted to get rid of it before it goes bad, you know? Anyway, once you’ve cut it into slices, cut those slices in half as well, and add those to the same zip-lock bag as the asparagus. You’ll start noticing a pattern here.
6. Grab your handful of mushroom slices and cut them in half. They should still be pretty big, but that’s okay. The consistency of a mushroom feels a little bit like a sponge, so I think that means it soaks up other flavors. The bigger the mushroom, the more flavor it soaks up. Add the mushrooms to the same bag as previously mentioned.
7. We’re going to cut another onion ring sized slice off of the onion again, only this time instead of dicing it, we’re going to cut it into four parts. This way, the onions are a little bigger and stringier and can add their flavor to more veggies. Add them to the bag.
8. Now that all of your veggies are in the bag, we’re going to pour just a touch of olive oil in there. Zip the bag shut, shake it up, make sure that all of our veggies get some oil on them. Then, dump the veggies onto the other side of the pan as the chicken. This is your chance to add any salt or pepper to those bad boys before putting them in the oven.
9. By this point, the oven should be preheated. Put the pan in the oven. Wait for 20 minutes. Do whatever you want to do during that 20 minutes. I mindlessly watched Curb Your Enthusiasm and wondered about the next steps of my career, but if you don’t want to go down that rabbit hole you definitely don’t have to.
Once that 20 minutes is up, you should be good to go as far as plating is concerned. Everything should be cooked through, relatively crispy, and nice and tasty.
A few things to remember are that you really shouldn’t put raw chicken on a wooden cutting board. Apparently, it soaks up the chicken juice and gives another opportunity for salmonella to invade your once-healthy immune system. Another thing is to make sure you’re using sharp knives to chop things. Mine are decently sharp. I’m not really sure what brand they are, but they have a red handle on them which I think is cool. Also, shout out to the guy from last week who tried to sell me Cutco knives over Twitter. I was very drunk, and he almost hooked me. But alas, I went to Target and bought this instead.
Overall, I give this meal an 8/10. It’s tasty, it’s healthy, and it’s quick to make. I definitely recommend it to anyone in a pinch for a meal.
If you decide to try and replicate this meal—which I think would be awesome — feel free to send me pics and tips for what you did that might make it better. .
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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This meal sounds depressing as hell and probably needs a longer baking time. Did you used to cook at a Perkins or something? And why use a zip-lock bag just to toss veggies in oil? I’d get it if you were marinating stuff in there for a few hours or overnight, but just use a mixing bowl or pour some oil on and mix the veggies in it right in the pan.
This is horrifyingly depressing but you could easily make this a good meal with some minor adjustments. Sautéing is the best way to go with veggies, baking is for amateurs. Use some olive oil or olive oil pan spray to make it healthier. Also blackened chicken is my favorite way to eat it, simple Creole seasoning will make your chicken breasts 100x better than baking it. Also add use garlic powder along with salt and pepper, really adds to the taste
This is actually my go-to Monday evening meal and you are correct…it is incredibly depressing.
350 is too low for chicken of any kind. Turn up that oven to 400 next time or truly risk salmonella.
Nah, he’s fine as long as the internal temperature is at least 165. I sous vide chicken at 150 and then sear the outsides of it and I’ve yet to encounter salmonella.
20 minutes at 350 still isn’t long enough for chicken breasts given the average thickness of them. Either his oven thermometer is out of whack or his chicken is raw.
Also, as you probably know, sous-vide cooking is for quite a bit longer than an oven. Obviously, chicken needs to cook until it reaches 165 to avoid salmonella and it is very hard to reach that temperature that quickly in an oven at 350.
SOURCE: I come from a long line of people in the food industry (chefs, food scientists, cookbook editors, etc.)
Good point, 20 minutes at 350 is definitely too little.
Hopefully we don’t get a “How I got Salmonella and what I learned from It” article within the next few weeks from Charlie.
He’s using chicken breast cutlets, not the entire breast folks. Those things are basically a good sized chicken finger. 20 minutes is plenty.
Cooking or roasting a whole chicken at 350 is fine and preferred over high heat as that drys out the chicken. Rule of thumb is 20 minutes at 350 for every pound you cook. For example, 4 pound bird…typically will take 80 minutes at 350 and will come out perfect.
My best whole roast chicken recipe comes out perfectly 450 for 60 minutes. The secret is to pat dry the chicken thoroughly as any moisture will create steam and dry out the chicken.
Cooking at 350 dries the chicken out also
I use an instant-read thermometer for about everything meat. There are too many variables in a home kitchen to get it perfect every time based upon oven temp and time alone.
If you use your knives a lot and want to keep them in good, sharp condition, do yourself a favor and buy two things. First should be a honing rod. This is one of those sticks that’s got rough metal edges. Hone your knife every couple uses. Be safe and sharpen away from yourself, did you learn nothing from Boy Scouts?
Second, buy a sharpener. Don’t get one of the fancy electric ones, just a manual one. Sharpen your knives once every six months or so. Wear a cut-resistant glove when you do this, because if you catch a burr on the knife in the sharpener it can swing the knife to the side if you don’t know what you’re doing.
As with anything in life, get some good tools and take good care of them, they’ll treat you right.
I’ll hone your rod. Heyooooo
But really dull knives are dangerous and these are great. If you’re really getting into it then don’t buy a knife sharpener just get a stone set and hone yourself.
Skillet lasagna and salad at my casa tonight. And the Mrs. feels like making chocolate pie, so who am I to say no?
Instead of cutting an arbitrary amount off the bottom of your asparagus, you can grab it by both ends and bend it and it will naturally break wherever that tough part ends
My local Marianos sells cubed chicken mixed with peppers and onions, throw it in the skillet and cook it up and then place on tortillas with sour cream and cheese, bam, fajitas. It’s solidly in our meal rotation.
For anyone in Houston, Michoacana Meat Market sells incredible fajita marinated skirt steak and chicken breasts for about $5.00 / lb. Their produce is also insanely cheap and they have ripe avocados year round to live your best #guaclife.
Austin too. Michoacana is super clutch
Splurge next time you’re at the grocery store on some spices. Montreal has some good chicken/steak seasonings and lemon pepper is great for chicken or veggies. More flavor than just salt and pepper and it seems like they last forever.
I used a great and very spicy one last night- it was great.
Thug kitchen.com
… oven at 375. Chicken in oven 45 minutes. Stir fry vegetables from Costco. Lunch for a week.
Pro tip buy a rotisserie chicken shred and skin it and freeze it- defrost for quick meals and casseroles. Also fooled around and tried chicken zucchini foil packets last night/ they did not disappoint.