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I love Uber. I refuse to try Lyft, even when given free ride cards, because I’m a loyal guy. On weekends, I absolutely do not drive to any bar, restaurant or social event because, well, Uber. At last check, my rating was 5 star, which upset me slightly because 4.9 just has a little more edge to it. That’s okay, though. With that being said, I’d estimate that roughly a quarter of all Uber rides are rife with awkward conversation. Sometimes it’s genuine, and you have good chemistry with Juan in the Toyota Sienna, or Sara in the Nissan Versa. But those other times? You’re rocking a 4 beer buzz while Darren in the Toyota Corolla backs you down in the paint with some hard-hitting unwanted conversation.
Driver: Are you Dave?
Me: I am David. Yes.
Driver: Yeah, the pin had me picking you up over on 4th street. I almost canceled when I didn’t see you.
Me: Not sure why it did that, I dropped the pin right outside of the bar I was at.
Driver: Well, it does that sometimes.
Me: Did you not get my text?
Driver: No, sometimes they take a while to come through.
Me: Alright.
Driver: So, where are you headed?
Me: I typed it in so it should be on there, but I’m going to Matt’s El Rancho.
Driver: Yeah, it’s not showing up. Where is that?
Me: Um, give me a sec I’ll look it up. I know it’s on Lamar.
Driver: What’s the address?
Me: 2613 S. Lamar.
Driver: Matt’s, huh? Never been there. Any good?
Me: Yeah, it’s basically a Tex Mex staple in town, so.
Driver: How long you been in Austin?
Me: About three years.
Driver: Ohhh! A newbie. Guess you moved here when everybody else did.
Me: Yep, I’m one of those people. What about you?
Driver: Been here all my life. Yeah, this place sure has changed.
Me: *Calls bullshit in head but decides not to call him out*
Driver: *Turns up Top 40 radio as noted R&B artist, The Weeknd’s hit “The Hills” awkwardly plays*
Driver: You okay with this music? You can change it if you want.
Me: This is fine. *Despite being uncomfortable with the sexual nature of the song,the thought of station hunting with this guy was too much*
Driver: You want a water or something?
Me: I’m good, thanks.
Driver: Yeah, a lot of people your age like drinking water.
Me: Ha, yeah. I’m sure. *Wonders what that even means. Water is required for survival so that would make sense*
Driver: Can you believe all this rain we’ve been having?
Me: Pretty wild stuff.
Driver: Yep, we need it, though! I know my lawn sure does!
Me: *Laughs awkwardly*
Me: So, is Uber your full time gig?
Driver: Oh, yeah. I mean, I’ve been retired for a few years now. Needed something to do other than sit around watching the news all day. It just gets you mad.
Me: *Oh, God. What did I just do?*
Driver: Can you believe these GOP candidates?
Me: *Hates self* Yep, getting pretty crazy out there.
Driver: They oughta just give it to Hilary now and save us all the bullshit.
Me: Yeah, exactly, I mean.
Driver: They’re all crooks in my opinion.
Me: *Wonders what he’s done to deserve this. Stares down at phone and refreshes Twitter*
*1 minute of no conversation passes as a highly sexual Selena Gomez song plays*
Driver: Sure has been busy this weekend. Must be something going on down here.
Me: Yeah, must be. *There’s a UT home game, how does he not know that?*
Driver: So what brought you to Austin?
Me: Moved down here for work. *Please don’t ask me what I do*
Driver: Yeah, I figured. Where do you work?
Me: Uhh, this company over on the other side of town.
Driver: Oh, what do you y’all do?
Me: *Cringes at the thought of explaining a digital media company*
Me: We do sales and stuff. *boldfaced lie*
Driver: We should be coming up on it any second now. Is it on the left or the right side of the street?
Me: Ohh, I think we passed it. Yep, definitely back there.
Driver: I’ll turn around right here.
*Driver makes questionable u-turn. Pulls into parking lot*
Me: Right here is fine.
Driver: You sure? I can pull up closer to the door.
Me: This is fine. Thanks.
*Hits him with 5 stars because why not* .
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
@dcruff
dcarterruff
david@grandex.co
My latest Uber driver told me that when Trump is president he is going to solve the drought here in CA by getting Canada to send us their water, and he’ll make them pay for it.
I thought it was a joke, 3 more “when Trump is president” sentences, I realized he was dead serious.
That’s a lie and proof Trump is out of touch with other countries. Everyone knows Canadians drink maple syrup.
And milk from a bag.
1 star for that dude.
I would have to consider 2 stars. The Canadian water story made me laugh.
The moment I stopped talking to all my drivers: “Yeah, Uber’s not a bad gig. I take a lot of medication that keeps me from doing other jobs.”
I love Lyft, but every third driver goes out of their to make coy remarks about Denver “transplants” and all the new people and things popping up. First off, Lyft/Uber dude, you’re a glorified cabbie and we’re contributing to the economy as much or more as you, and secondly, moving to meth country out west with your parents when you were 10 does not make you a Denver “Native”. FUCK.
oh man, I could feel the anxiety just reading this one
nice one | bbc