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My girlfriend, like many girls after the holiday season, has decided that she needs to go on a diet. Literally the day after Christmas, while I was lying on the couch grazing on leftovers in the true spirit of the holiday, she hit me with this text: “I think I legit doubled my weight over the last month. My diet starts today.” This text was accompanied by a link to the rules of the diet, and although I never clicked on it (I didn’t need to be fat shamed whilst drinking a mug filled with 70% eggnog and 30% spiced rum), suffice it to say the rules don’t allow for any food that could taste remotely good. Now, being the supportive, loving boyfriend that I am, I immediately texted back, “Haha you look great and don’t need a diet, but if that’s what you want to do, I’m sure you’ll crush it!”
While this text may seem like I have no problem with the diet, after a month, I do. I have a problem with it for two reasons. One, I wasn’t lying in that text. My girlfriend doesn’t need a diet as she is super skinny, fit, beautiful, and just a wonderful person overall (please don’t kill me when you read the rest of this paragraph, babe). Two, it’s turning her into a goddamn nightmare. It turns out when someone drastically cuts out all tasty foods from their life, that can make them a little bit on edge, and that person could maybe take it out on someone they care about. Take a look into my life and see for yourself.
This diet won’t be a problem. We went to Trader Joes together to shop for a bunch of healthy, natural, bland ingredients that follow the diet guidelines. Knowing this is going to be a trying time, I even googled a recipe and made her a healthy beef goulash for dinner. We ate and enjoyed each other’s company, our relationship still strong.
In merely one workweek, this diet has already begun taking a toll on my girlfriend, and subsequently, me. Roughly 80% of our conversations revolve around this fucking diet, and the phrase, “Ugh, I’m so hungry” is used about 40 times a day. When I asked her if she’d like to come to the gym with me, she responded with “Yeah? So you can watch me pass out on the treadmill because all I’ve had today is fucking fruit?” She later apologized and we’re okay, although a little rocky.
New Year’s Day. Not great. Not great. Last night was great; a whirlwind of dinner, dancing, booze, and her bringing the heat in a new dress. All of that was forgotten by today, however, when all that mattered was how many calories had been ingested in the last 24 hours. While attempting to calmly explain that champagne was relatively light in calories (no idea if that’s true), and that no one could be expected to keep a diet alive on New Year’s Eve, I was snidely asked if “I was a champagne nutritionist,” and assured that she would be eating nothing but salad for brunch that day. I believe she kept that promise, although I’m not sure because I blacked out aggressively at said brunch and was not aware of what was on her plate.
The diet seemed to be going well in the past week. My girlfriend has stuck to it religiously, and was proud of her resolve. We went to TJ’s together to pick up ingredients to cook a healthy meal together, and all was looking up until I decided to pick up some groceries for myself for the week. The fact that her cart was full of almonds, berries, two kinds of squash, and whatever the fuck okra is while mine had two frozen pizzas and the makings for tacos was evidentially very rude. Apparently being in a relationship is about being a united front, and I was undermining our team by not being on this diet with her and “flaunting my carbs in her face.” I rationally explained to her that although I supported her and her commitment to this diet, insisting I follow it with her was ridiculous. Furthermore, it’s bulking season, and doesn’t she want me to be able to put on more muscle? She understood my point of view, and we walked calmly to the car together. Just kidding, we had a full-fledged whisper fight in the produce aisle and went home separately. Tough break, but that’s the price you pay for standing up for your beliefs.
Being in a relationship is about being a united front, and I had been undermining our team by not being on this diet with her. Processed foods and carbs are bad for me anyway, and I don’t even like pizza. Yay diet.
I really thought this was going to be the end of this cursed diet. My girlfriend admitted that it was unfair of her to assume that I would be on this diet with her, and I agreed to stop sending her snaps of me eating burritos. Peaceful negotiations were underway, and I figured her will power had to be running out soon. Then I got an email from her titled “BEACH TRIIIIIP.”
Apparently an extremely low-tier airline (which I won’t name, except to say that they charge $10 to print a boarding pass), was running sale on flights to Florida. Combined with the fact that her family has a beach house down there, this was a deal on an escape from the Chicago winter that we couldn’t pass up. It’s pretty awesome, but there is one downside – my hopes of the diet ending have been completely dashed. Not only is it still on, it’s now getting cranked up to phase two – Nothing But Fucking Juice And Smoothies For The Next Few Weeks. I’ve accepted that I will most likely not be attending this trip due to a brutal murder/cannibalism at the hands of my starved girlfriend. Pray for me. .