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As annoying as they all are, there are traditions at every wedding. The rehearsal dinner. The bouquet toss. The Best Man speech. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence in her shoe (or whatever the fuck that all is).
And, of course, the wedding vows. Now some couples go with fairly canned responses while others write their own. Either way, they’re prim and they’re proper. But honestly? Sometimes they’re kind of bullshit. Which is why it’s necessary to express what realistic wedding vows would actually sound like.
For the sake of consistency, I will henceforth refer to the bride as “Gloria.” Not only is this the spunky freak-in-the-sheets redheaded character from Wedding Crashers, but also a hell of a song by Van Morrison. And because I’m not married, nor am I engaged, I’ve engulfed myself in Hallmark’s guide for writing wedding vows. You’ll find their template under the header “What you’re expected to say at the wedding,” with the my realistic responses following soon thereafter.
Part I: The Declaration Of Love
The declaration of love is intended to be a simple introduction to the vows themselves. You’re to begin with a simple statement about what your partner means to you.
What you’re expected to say at the wedding:
“Gloria, you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met.”
“Gloria, you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
“Gloria, you are my very best friend.”
What you should realistically be saying:
“Gloria, we’re both too old to reenter the dating pool at this point.”
“Gloria, I’ve spent so much money on you in the last two years that I’d have to take out a six-figure loan if I started over with someone else.”
“Gloria, you don’t seem to mind that I’ve completely let myself go since our first date, and for that, I figure that you’re worth marrying.”
You’re then supposed to transition into why your partner is incredible and worthy of marriage.
What you’re expected to say at the wedding:
“You are kind and caring, and one smile from you brightens my whole day.”
“You are dependable, yet full of surprises, and you are beautiful inside and out.”
“You make me laugh, you make me think, you make me pancakes, and you make me happy.”
What you should realistically be saying:
“You’re the only person I know that thinks it’s acceptable to casually blackout on wine when we stay in on Friday nights.”
“You have yet to complain about how my poop smells, yet you still light a match every time you use the bathroom.”
“You cook dinner, you clean my hair trimmings off the edge of the sink, you split rides on Uber, and you don’t talk during the game.”
Following the justification of why you’re going to marry them, you are to say that you love your counterpart in simple terms.
What you’re expected to say at the wedding:
“I am completely and totally in love with you.”
“You stole my heart, and I want you to keep it forever.”
“I love you so much, and I can’t believe how lucky I am to be standing here with you today.”
What you should realistically be saying:
“Who else ya got at this point? Yeah, exactly.”
“Your parents paid for this so I couldn’t justifiably back out.”
“You left me out of 80% of the planning process for this charade, and I love you for that.”
Part 2: The Promises
The promises, from what I can tell, are a bunch of frilly sentences about what you’ll do for your partner, what you’ll do with your partner, when you’ll do them with your partner (also known as “in good times and bad”), and for how long you’ll fulfill these promises for.
Let’s begin with what you’ll do for your partner.
What you’re expected to say at the wedding:
“In front of God and our friends and family, I promise to stand by you and to stand up for you, to laugh with you and never laugh at you, and to do everything I can to make you happy.”
“I pledge to accept you as you are, to respect you as an equal and to encourage your dreams and passions.”
“I promise to be loving, patient and faithful. I will be the very best husband I can be to you and the very best father I can be to Jacob and Taylor.”
What you should realistically be saying:
“In front of God and our friends and family, I promise to pick food up for you rather than have you waste $7 on the Postmates delivery fee.”
“I pledge to accept you for who you are, despite the fact that we fundamentally disagree on whether or not the toilet seat should be left up or down.”
“I promise to be loving, patient, and faithful. Unless it’s football season at which point you’re going to have to pick up most of my non-work-related responsibilities.”
It’s then expected that you’ll move on to what you’re going to do with your partner.
What you’re expected to say at the wedding:
“With you, I’ll create a peaceful, happy home and a loving family.”
“I will grow old with you—and never stop growing with you.”
“I’ll be your partner on all of life’s adventures.”
What you should realistically be saying:
“With you, I’ll create a mess in the kitchen that you’ll eventually clean up for me while I doze off on the couch with two fingers of scotch in my hand.”
“I will grow old with you — and you’ll eventually have to move into a different bedroom as my snoring worsens and becomes borderline unbearable.”
“I’ll be your partner in all of life’s adventures, like when I run out of toilet paper and the argument we’ll inevitably have when both of us are too drunk to drive home from the wedding.”
There are also a few ways to express that you’ll be there in the good times and the bad times.
What you’re expected to say at the wedding:
“When you’re sad, I’ll comfort you, and when you’re happy, I’ll share your joy…”
“Through hard times and good times, through sickness and health, I’ll always be at your side…”
“I will love you through sunshine and storms…”
What you should realistically be saying:
“When you’re sad, I’ll awkwardly tip-toe around you while you cry for fear of making things worse before patting you on the back and saying, ‘It’ll be alright.'”
“Through hard times and good times, through hangovers and the workouts you force me to do, I’ll always be at your side…”
“I will love you through our kid’s overpriced birthday parties and the double dates we go on with that friend of yours I hate.”
And finally, simply express for how long you’ll love your significant other for. Hint: it should be “forever.”
What you’re expected to say at the wedding:
“…for all the days of my life.”
“…as long as we both shall live.”
“…for all eternity.”
What you should realistically be saying:
“…until we’re one of the 50% of couples that get divorced.”
“…as long as you don’t get, like, really fat.”
“…’til we realize we’re too old to go through the hassle of getting divorced so we die together.” .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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you forgot the part where “we’re both the same blood type so its nice to know if i suffer severe blood loss or need a extra kidney you’re there for me Gloria”
I wouldn’t say no to a backup liver.
Guess someone’s seen the last episode of Master of None
Didn’t think the show was overly funny, but it was relatable given it was pretty much all about PGP’s. Last episode got way too real though and bummed me out.
I quit halfway through episode two because it wasn’t all that funny.
I just can’t stand Aziz’s voice long enough to sit through a whole show. He was the worst part about Parks and Rec, so a whole show starring him would give me an aneurism.
I agree, I didn’t think it was nearly as funny as his stand up. Pretty disappointed.
For clarity, are Jacob and Taylor your hypothetical future kids’ names?
Previously, Will has stated that his two kids will be named after himself and Steve Yzerman