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I — like I’m sure many of you — always have that nagging thought in the back of my mind every time I plunk my #squatspo chiseled butt into my cube chair that at any moment my boss can decide to send me to the streets. Canned. Let go. Laid off. Fired. It’s terrifying, really. If I got fired today, I’d be so royally fucked. Who’s to say I’ll land back on my feet in a timely manner? It took me from January of my senior year to July to get my first big boy job, and the fear of having to go through that again is why I’m still at that same job.
So how do I make sure I don’t get fired? Well, I guess I could do my work to the best of my ability. I like to think I do, but who knows. I try to provide value elsewhere. Every day I try to make my coworkers laugh at least twice. I’m a morale booster. A clubhouse guy. A nucleus. I’m like the Jonny Gomes of my work team. Not completely useless, but my value is more team chemistry than actual stats between the lines. But even that isn’t enough. Because, like we saw a number of years ago, there can be market crashes. Shit that spurs pretty great Christian Bale movies that feature my girl Selena Gomez making cameos. Jobs somehow just vanish into thin air. Money gets dried up, CEOs look to make cuts, and sometimes your industry takes it on the chin.
If you’re wondering which jobs are like cockroaches and could survive a nuclear winter, the gang over at CheatSheet.com came up with a list of the seven careers with the most stable job security. I think you probably know if you’re safe or not, but let’s dive in and see which careers we all should have gone into. Here’s my SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) of the jobs with most job security, plus a bonus of what I think are really the jobs with the most job security.
1. Engineers — They’re the geniuses who take your invention for the car periscope and actually implement it. So yeah, as we advance and keep doing “science” we’ll need people to turn those theories and peer reviewed papers into actionable things that we can figure out how to use. Solid job.
Strengths: Make good money and probably get to work on some pretty cool projects
Weaknesses: Not a sexy pick up line at the bar
Opportunities: You’re probably really good at building shit, like IKEA furniture which is statistically proven to ruin most relationships.
Threats: Most likely work with tons of nerds who are probably smarter than you
2. Information Security Professionals — The guys who fight internet piracy. The engineers create new software, the pirates in Russia try to crack those codes, and these info security guys try to keep everyone’s credit card info safe.
Strengths: As long as money exists electronically, you’ve got a job
Weaknesses: Interact with literally no humans day in and day out
Opportunities: Probably good enough to siphon money from unsuspecting idiots, a la Office Space.
Threats: Liable to be wanted by Russian and Chinese internet pirates
3. Nurse practitioners — NPs, depending on which state you practice in, have a lot of the responsibilities and abilities of a primary care physician. And since we’re running out of PCPs faster than Trader Joe’s runs out of frozen riced cauliflower, NPs are in high demand.
Strengths: You’ll always have first access to a doctor
Weaknesses: The responsibilities of a doctor without being able to say you’re a doctor
Opportunities: You could probably hook your friends up with some sweet scrips
Threats: You might not get the respect you deserve, even among professionals in your own field
4. Therapists — Apparently we’re getting to a point in the world where we’re all so fucked in the head that therapists will always have full waiting rooms.
Strengths: I bet it’s pretty great to just say “uh huh, and how did that make you feel?” all day and get paid for it.
Weaknesses: Always susceptible to falling asleep on the couch in your office and losing all credibility
Opportunities: I imagine you get to hear some pretty incredible stories
Threats: You hear everyone’s fucked up issues, which is bound to be depressing
5. Chiropractors — It’s at the point where there are so many cube monkeys with such abysmal posture that we’re all ending up with spines morphed like the roots of a large sequoia.
Strengths: You’re 100% the best guy in the room to crack someone’s back
Weaknesses: I guess you’re a fake doctor. Somewhere above masseuse but below doctor.
Opportunities: You work on your feet. So you’ll stay in pretty good shape
Threats: Always in a turf war with acupuncturists
6. Doctors/surgeons — Um, duh. When I told my mom I wanted to switch my job to the business side of healthcare from the clinical aspect, I think she wrote me out of the Will & Trust.
Strengths: You get to walk up to the 11/10s at the bar and tell them you’re a doctor. I’ve seen my doctor friends do this — a lot — and it works all the time.
Weaknesses: When you’re starting out, terrible hours, bad pay until you’re not a resident, and crippling debt. Don’t have complete say of where in the country you end up working.
Opportunities: You get to save lives. By the way, to any doctor readers, is that like hitting a homer in softball? Because boy did I hit a whopper last week.
Threats: Susceptible to all communicable diseases, pathogens, and viruses.
7. Dentists — I love teeth. Big teeth guy. If you’ve got a fucked up mouth, I’m swiping left. So dentists are wicked clutch.
Strengths: Dentists always have great personalities
Weaknesses: Often exposed to bad breath
Opportunities: Nitrous gas, flirting with your hygienists, potentially converting to Judaism strictly for the jokes
Threats: Anti-dentites
And here are a handful of jobs I think they missed, and why.
Porn star ––/b> We’ll never not want more porn
Lefty specialist — Every MLB bullpen needs a solid lefty specialist to get out lefties, and if you’re good, there will always be a team who wants you
Drug dealer — As long as humans exist, we’re going to need a drug dealer. Your job is safe
Kardashian — If you’re a Kardashian, there will always be a market for your antics because as long as the earth keeps orbiting the moon, we’re going to need a Kardashian to keep us entertained..
Image via Shutterstock
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
@BostonMaxG
@boston_maxg
Being an engineer is great. Becoming one sucked, and about 85% of the people in all my college classes were the worst people I’ve ever encountered. Couldn’t imagine working with any of them. Arrogant and condescending is the law of the land in engineering, professors included.
Right? I’m a software engineer (a developer, if you want to be a dick about it), and I was convinced that 90% of my classmates were turning unsuspecting people into coats on their weekends while the other 10% of us were off at the bars or parties. Now that I’m in the workforce I realize that most of them wash out or work at companies with awful culture.
Exact reason I left engineering. Ended up a software developer, but gamed the system and got my MIS degree instead of CS. Business school at a southern state college? Oh yeah.
The school where I did my MBA had a dual program for engineers to begin their MBA during undergrad. Their seemingly endless ability to believe they were the smartest person in every room was almost impressive, except for the fact they really didn’t understand the business side.
Barnes
*Barnes?
I can absolutely confirm that if you “barely” (C average) got through engineering school, you are treated the same way normal people treat the dumb jock type. Condescension for days.
I would go as far to say that being an engineer is great once you find the right company to work for. The wrong company culture for your personality (or lack thereof, for many engineers) can make or break the experience.
Surprised not to see government jobs on here. Once you’re in, you’re in for life, work performance be damned.
And unlike every other job in the world, people get promoted instead of fired when they’re too inept to do their current job!
Or placed on paid indefinite leave
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I’ve got a few friends in the Information Security business, biggest threat they told me is you don’t get any warnings or second chances. If you make a mistake, you get fired. Probably would explain all of the drinking.
Coming from someone who manages a security response team. Firing or switching jobs is very common. But it’s worth it as you get to see all the stupid human tricks.
I’m in that field and it’s a pretty stressful career. You’re trying to guard a million and one doors, while a hacker just has to find a way through one. If you do your job right then no one even knows you exist, but drop the ball and you’re fired
Solid subtle Seinfeld reference in the Dentist SWOT
Accountant / Auditor :
Strengths: decent pay, good exposure to the business, job security (every business needs someone who is good with numbers), didn’t have to bust your balls too much in college (compared to medicine / engineers / etc.)
Weaknesses: everyone hates you. Literally everyone. Also, you’re stereotyped as the biggest nerds in the office (see Parks and Recs)
Opportunities: 60% of your job is knowing acronyms (ROI / GAAP / BBW) so you can bullshit your way into a finance roll and people will actually think you’re cool
Threats: “it’s going to suck when turbo tax puts you out of business” …. Well, I’m an auditor, not a tax accoun…. You know what, screw it I’m not explaining this again. I’m going to the bar
I know what BBW means, but I’m not sure that it applies to business. Unless your business is… sketchy.
Did this on the can so please excuse my typos / grammar.
The “threats” section…every single Goddamn time. I was an auditor for 3 years and have been a hedge fund accountant for a year now and my family still thinks that I’m busy in the winter because of taxes.
My own girlfriend can’t comprehend why it was still busy season after her taxes were due. I’ve explained auditing like 10 times, I’ve given up, instead tell her it is because people filed extensions. On an unrelated note, I may be dating an idiot.
Accountants where you at?
About to get replaced by software.
Had a brief internal debate about whether the earth orbits the moon. PGP.
Obamacare has ruined medicine. Right now, there isn’t much value in getting your M.D.
It’s a scary front for insurance companies too. Even the “big wigs” are stepping out of the individual market because they’re losing too much money.
I’ll be sure to let my cousin, who is an OBGYN and makes a shit ton of money, that she is a fool.
$89 an hour! Seriously I don’t know why more people haven’t tried this, I work two shifts, 2 hours in the day and 2 in the evening…And i get surly a chek of $1260……0 whats awesome is Im working from home so I get more time with my kids.
Here is what i did
======== ====>>>>>>> http://cashjob50.tk
Architect:
S: Get to create cool big stuff; great bar pickup/conversation (HIMYM got that part right)
W: Only decent pay; first industry to suffer in recession and last to recover
O: Many architects are engineer or artist type so not good with people, if you can talk you can move up well
T: Recession (see above); having to explain you’re not an engineer; everyone asks what kind of houses you design even if you don’t do residential
Human Resources Coordinator/Manager
Strengths: You know how much money everyone makes.
Weaknesses: Just… goddamn everything. Also, don’t mention what you do on the internet because people will immediately hate you.
Opportunities: You learn how to lie on your resume so you can get a job in a different field.
Threats: Every employee everywhere wants to ruin your job.
I should figure out something else to do, guys.
I’m pretty sure my company is unique in this respect but there’s literally ONE person in HR here. The company is a shitshow and I’m confident this fact has a lot to do with it.
That’s actually pretty common for a lot of companies of less than 150 people. If it’s any bigger than that, your HR person is probably slammed and miserable. I was the only HR person at my last two companies and it was the worst.