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Dating, like most things, is an acquired skill. It is a muscle that must be maintained, or else the body will fatigue and soon leave you an awkward mess of giggles and wine spilling. Trust me, I’ve been there.
I consider myself a good dater. Not great, but good. Is it worth noting that I may have significant experience because, I don’t know, no one wants to lock me down? Maybe. But there’s a thin line between self-deprecating and depressing, so I’ll move on.
Over the past few years of dating I have developed my own Playbook. I’m no Barney Stinson a la How I Met Your Mother, but it’s something. Not every date calls for a pre-determined strategy, but when you’re going in blind, like off bumble or a set-up through co-workers, it certainly doesn’t hurt. A wiser human than I once said, “Proper preparation prevents poor performance” and I stand by that.
My strategy is as follows.
Determine Your Audience
Before I can pick the best play from the Playbook, it is most important for me to understand my audience. Is this a suitor of the same age? If so, we probably have things like income, dating history, and affinity for getting drunk on weeknights in common. If this is an older suitor, he probably wants someone a little more “I’ve always been really mature for my age” and less “shots?” Perhaps this date is a father with joint custody who isn’t afraid to face a bottle of wine on a Wednesday but would rather pass a kidney stone than step foot in a club.
The type of audience you’re dealing with changes everything from date location, to conversation, to whether or not you reference J. Cole or Nat King Cole. Analysis is important, people.
Choose Your Play
On the particular night I will describe below, I decided to go with the “Just Got Home” maneuver.
My suitor was a bumble match 9 years older than me. A successful professional with a knack for weekend surf trips, he’d just gotten out of a serious relationship (I knew from five minutes of Instagram stalking). He was a reformed party boy, the classic 30 year old bachelor/business guy looking to have a good time while still maintaining fully functional liver. Through some basic open-source research, I discerned he liked a girl who could keep up. The “Just Got Home” was perfect.
Shoot Your Shot
I initiated the maneuver by suggesting we meet at my house for a drink then walk to a BYOB taco place around the corner. He was all in. 8 o’clock? Perfect.
I got home from work at 6:30 pm and hopped in the shower. I’d spent the day with clients and was looking pretty post-work frazzled. Immediately after my shower I cleaned up my entire apartment. I’m lucky, my apartment is furnished and makes me look far more mature than I am, so I knew I had that going for me.
After my shower (in which I actually shaved my legs), I flossed (mostly to feel responsible), put on my pump up song (“Rock Ya Body” by MVP, not Justin Timberlake), poured the obligatory pre-date drink (two fingers of tequila on the rocks) and texted him, “Running a little behind at the office – we’ll probably arrive at the same time!”
“Working girl. Nice. See you then!”
Nailed it.
Next, I started to get ready. I did my hair and makeup then stood in front of my closet. One has to make a strategic outfit choice when executing the “Just Got Home.” I chose my flyest work suit, a fit both mature and just tight enough to wear to the bars. I blow dried my hair, charged my phone, and threw back on my blazer.
At precisely 7:45 pm my date texted me, “En route!”
“Me too!” I responded. It was time to activate.
See, the most critical part of operation “Just Got Home” is always the final clean up. You must, similar to a successful serial killer, erase any evidence that you were there.
I proceeded to trace my steps to make sure there was no clue that I had previously been home. Once the apartment inspection was complete, I turned off all the lights, locked the door, and walked out of my apartment and down the street.
Once I got to the corner two blocks away I turned on my heels and headed right back the way I came. I even put in my headphones for effect; I didn’t want him to think I was a psychopath that goes sans podcast on the commute home.
As I was approaching my building, my date pulled up in his Uber. Almost like, I don’t know, it had been planned.
I waved from the sidewalk as he got out of the car and kissed me on the cheek.
“I’m so sorry, work has been crazy! I Just Got Home!” I said, as we walked up the stairs into my perfectly clean apartment. The place glistened like responsibility and an excellent credit score. I dropped my bags, slipped out of my shoes, shrugged off my blazer (which now smelled of Acqua Di Gioia for women By Giorgio Armani instead of Metro Sewage by Trash), and offered my date a drink.
“Tequila?” I suggested.
I poured him a tequila and water as we chatted. He made a joke about how he would never be able to focus if he worked with me, considering how good I looked and all.
I laughed and responded, “Are you kidding? I’ve been running around all day! I’m so flustered!”
Hook, line, and sinker.
The rest of the date proceeded with flying colors. It’s still the one bumble date I reference whenever someone asks, “What’s the best date you’ve ever been on.” Little did I know, I was actually bullshitting the ultimate bullshitter. The guy had a few moves up his sleeve as well, including but not limited to domestic travel. That, however, is a blog for another time.
Today what I came here to say is that we’re all human. Everyone wants to date someone who has their shit together, and look, I’m sure you do in fact have it together 90% of the time.
That being said, for that other 10% of the time, I implore you to try out the Just Got Home and fake it until you god damn make it. If it worked for me, it sure as hell can work for you.
It’ll be our little secret, I swear. .
Image via YouTube
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CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
Would 10/10 want this to be turned into a weekly column. For the single degenerates out there like myself.
. I️ want to hear more of what goes on in women’s minds about dating.
This smells like a mailbag to me.
Sup?
Sup right back atchya
You want to get some dinner? Maybe something light, like soup?
It’s every girl’s dream to have a meet cute on this site
This was killer. More of this please!
Damn. CMV you’re absolutely killing these.
So much good stuff here I don’t even know where to start. I want to hit you with a hard “sup”, but I feel that would be disrespectful to the top notch content you have been churning out.
Seems like more of a “What’s Up?” situation.
Right? Have a genuine interest in how their day is going.
WHAT ABOUT THE WET SHOWER??!
We men are stupid. No worries. However, he might notice a pre-date drink accidentally left on a bathroom counter.
Is it just me or is this a tremendous amount of work to impress someone on a first date? I usually just make sure I don’t have any stains and let it roll. Is this why I’m still single?
Honestly though there’s not that much extra work that goes into this. Showering and getting ready and cleaning your apartment? Gonna happen anyways. So really it’s just the walking out of your apartment with your work stuff.
Wait, is not having headphones in on a commute really giving off a serial killer vibe? I literally never wear headphones when I’m out and about and I’ve never killed anyone.
Yet.
Sounds like something a serial killer would say
With you on this. I guess I’d rather look like a serial killer to some than actually get assaulted or killed by some crazy person or a vehicle that I didn’t hear coming.
If you’re walking or taking any form of public transportation then headphones are a must.
Clearly I am in the minority here. But I’m sticking to it. I enjoy the sounds of the city.
I mean if I’m on the subway or the train, 100% wearing headphones, but not if I’m walking anywhere.
Agree with you. Not a headphones guy while in transit, gives off a “hey, we could talk if you want, I’m not blocking the world out.” Never know who you might meet just by being more open.
I do something very similar to this to justify wearing a power suit to bars/first dates, etc.
Totally agree with this from a guy’s angle. Although, a chick wearing a blazer on a first date better be some next-level Aphrodite, or I’m out after the first taco. Thanks but no thanks. Ladies have far too many options to be wasting good looks on blazers.
You are about to be meh’d into another dimension
Blazer and black skinny jeans crushes
Yeah, I can’t say I’m here to support your take on this one.
If a lady wants to hit me with that blazy look, I’m all about it.
So you’re 21 and went out with a 30 year old? Trust me, you didnt need to jump through all these hoops to make it look like you had your stuff together. He would have been just as happy to see you/hook up with you if you were still in college and living with your parents.
I would always clean up my apartment, then ‘apologize for the mess’, when they got there. Makes them think you have it together and keep the place spotless, when in reality I’m total slob.
An oldie but goodie