A Salute To The OTPHJ

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Now that the holiday season is upon us, the general public is about to be overloaded with even more commercials than normal about generous exchanges of affection between the sexes. A surprise piece of jewelry, a new car, maybe a surprise visit for the holidays. Things like that tug at our heartstrings and serve as the pinnacle of affectionate gestures.

Holidays aside, day to day life is full of expressions of emotions between the sexes. Everyone just wants to give love and be loved. It’s this sentiment that makes me think fondly of an act that I think is an incredible romantic gesture women give to show their man they really care. Men are insecure creatures who just want to know they’re wanted or appreciated. Doesn’t matter if it’s their wife of fifty years or the borderline stranger they just met and hopped in an Uber with after karaoke night. Nothing would tell a man that his horrible slurred rendition of “Ice Ice Baby” was more appreciated than this romantic display. I’m talking, of course, about the over-the-pants-handjob.

Not many things are just as exhilarating now as they were back in middle school, but having a female companion get a forearm workout in over the crotch of your jeans certainly is one of them. As we saw in the cinematic classic Wedding Crashers, an OTPHJ can be a sign of both true affection and sexual enthusiasm.

I think I speak for most men in that we are downright clueless in knowing what a woman is thinking, especially if she wants to pull you on out of the friend zone. What other wordless gesture in the history of human interaction lets a man know he’s at least somewhat desired than an OTPHJ? We’ve all failed at one point or another in guessing if our significant other is “in the mood,” and in my opinion giving a subtle exterior rubdown is the best way to sound our internal alarm.

Every man has gone through the internal struggle of wondering if he should make a move, or if he should sit this play out. On one occasion in my college days my roommate and I met up with some tipsy female acquaintances at legendary romantic eatery Buffalo Wild Wings. Early in our time there I thought I may have had a shot with the counterpart seated next to me, but just wasn’t quite sure.

One outward rubdown under a table covered in 40 cent bone-in (you see what I did there?) wings and a text from my buddy reading, “Dude are you getting jerked off under the table?” told me all I needed to know about my companions intentions. You know, until she ended up puking in the BWW bathroom and calling it a night, but at least the intention was there.

What makes the act so wonderful is the casual intimacy of it. No couple wants to be that obnoxious pair slobbering all over each other like they’re in a county fair pie eating contest while all their friends look on in disgust. There’s something far more sleeker about that quiet under the table rubdown at dinner, or even in a dimly lit bar while you’re standing and talking among a group. Sure you might catch a funny look every now and then, but you’ll also catch an approving head nod from many as you bask in the simple pleasure of the fabric of getting a clothed handy from the paralegal you just met on $.50 longnecks night.

One may never remember all the times they shared a secret kiss or drunken makeout session with someone, but you better believe most guys can fondly look back on and regale in the tale of a special OTPHJ. Ask any good friend and he can spin enlighten a story of the time the front of his bathing suit got pleasantly accosted in an above-ground pool, or being on the receiving end of some loving palm work the entire way home in their Uber driver’s Kia Soul.

To all the ladies out there, men love a kind show of affection. This holiday season, whether you venture to your local watering hole or you’re curled up by the fire with your one true love, give a gift you know he’ll appreciate. An OTPHJ goes a long way in saying, “I care.” .

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Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Jeremy Grey

a.k.a. Baba Ganoush