A Relationship Isn’t Serious Until She Sees Your Flaccid Dong

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There are plenty of monumental steps in a relationship that indicate the two of you are getting progressively more serious. Meeting the parents for the first time. Nerve racking. Got to make a good impression on mom and pops. They already don’t consider what I do “steady work” or “financially stable.” Moving in together. She’s essentially over all the time anyway, why not give myself zero escape and free time? Getting engaged. Do I want to talk fonts for the “save the dates” and rearrange table seating for over a year because of the sexual indiscretions of my friends? Yeah. Sounds riveting. Your boy is going to taste the fuck out of some cake, too. And it’s only going to cost me three months salary as a down payment? Sign me up. But all of these pale in comparison to the biggest milestone in a relationship: her seeing the dong at zero percent.

Now ladies, you might think you’ve seen your guy’s piece completely flaccid early on, but I’m here to tell you, you haven’t. I don’t care if he had too much to drink at night, you just had sex, or he’s rolling out of bed in the morning, you’re most likely getting a peek at somewhere between a quarter to half chub if he has any emotion invested into the relationship. That’s our wheelhouse. Not hard or even Bieber in Bora Bora, but enough to helicopter around if the moment calls for it — the moment never calls for it.

We’ll slap it around or give it a few bungee cord tugs, behind closed doors of course, to get the blood flowing. Some dick calisthenics. Think of it as us seeing you without makeup for the first time, but if every feature of your face shrank tenfold. I feel like I’m betraying the male species right now divulging this information, but we all do it. It’s not an issue of size or insecurity, we just never want to be shortchanged. Did you ever pour salt on a slug and watch it curl up and die? That’s more or less us fully limp. It’s a game changing sight.

If you do get a glimpse of the hog in hibernation, congratulations. He is now either entirely comfortable with you or has stopped caring altogether. Girls, a good indication of what side of the coin he’s on is whether or not he cracks a smile and laughs about the whole ordeal or gives an apathetic, existential “Yup, that’s my dick” shrug.

You’re on the path to a long and prosperous future collectively or are bound for an awkward exchange of each others’ processions rather soon. That’s the only two ways it goes down. You don’t just unleash a fearful turtle, ride it out for a few years constantly working to better the romance, but ultimately decide to go your separate ways. It’s long haul or quick flameout. Some things just can’t be unseen.

But when that day finally comes, guys, and you have the girl who goes full deer to your low beam headlight in a tranquil, appeased matter, you found a keeper. If she can handle you at your worst, then she sure as hell deserves you at your best. .

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Dan Regester