My Dearest Netflix,
Ever since my first big paycheck some years ago, I knew you were the one. That $400 smart TV I bought in the Target electronics clearance section brought us together. It seemed like destiny. Yes, the picture may have been well below industry standards, but I grew to love you despite certain aesthetic barriers, and soon began to cherish you much deeper than what most saw on the surface.
I knew I loved you when you first uttered the words “one month free.” I’m a man of principle, and pride myself on finding bargains. I’d have been a fool not to jump at such an opportunity to save $7.99.
You and I have seen some tough times together. I know we took that small break when I lived at my parents’ house for a short time. It wasn’t my fault that their TV didn’t have the Netflix app. It also was not my fault that they had forgotten the wifi password, limiting my ability to finally finish The West Wing. Those were dark days, indeed.
We were soon reunited, and you had done some serious self improvement. Life-changing self improvement, I might add. You surprised me one night with a new original series, House Of Cards. I doubted you at first, but your standards for home entertainment brought us even closer together and proved how wrong my uncertainty was. You said the magic words of “Kevin Spacey” and “Kate Mara.” I knew then that our relationship was taking a very serious step, one of near-exclusivity.
I have a very addictive personality, and you know that. I know I may stray several times a month to HBO and AMC, but at the end of the day, you are the one that I come home to five, sometimes six nights a week. HBO and AMC are not able to give me the full-time attention I deserve, even though HBO GO tempts me quite regularly. You know me all too well, and they simply cannot offer me the deep commitment and understanding that you do.
You don’t judge me for who I am, like that one time when I watched Daredevil and Jersey Girl within 24 hours of each other. Your commitment to me was unwavering, even in my darkest hour. I even sensed your apprehensiveness to filling my recommendations with Ben Affleck movies, but you made up for it by putting Good Will Hunting and Chasing Amy at the top.
One day, you saw that I had watched The Best Of Chris Farley when I was drunk Saturday night. I awoke the next morning and trudged off to the couch, beaten down from the previous night’s transgressions. I was a defeated man, but you were there for me in my most desperate hour.
My heart leapt for joy when I pulled up my queue the next day and saw your recommendations for me. A luscious feast of comedy awaited, ready to extinguish the flaming agony I found myself engulfed in that morning. You had prepared an all day long, entertainment orgy for the both of us, with Tommy Boy, Billy Madison and Top Gun waiting for me. It’s like we’ve known each other our entire lives. You always take great care of me, and for that I am eternally grateful and pledge my undying loyalty to you.
Some might speculate that laying on the couch as an inanimate blob for nine hours at a time is “unhealthy” or “disgusting.” To them I say, “Well, then you just don’t know Netflix like I do.”
I do have my complaints, like the fact that you do not cook me food, but you are still just a click away while I’m making my second Totino’s pizza of the day. Always at my every beck and call, waiting and ever patient.
I know that there will be one day when someone will try to tear us apart, a woman specifically. She may not understand the special bond we’ve procured over the years and may even try to take you away from me, but I will fight for your honor, if that day ever comes. If that woman shares my affection for you, I hope that you will be open to allowing them into our special bond, one that may grow into a mutual affection that will only amplify our relationship.
Until that day comes, I am always yours. You have a hold over me that cannot be broken by conventional means and may never be broken. There may come a day that I cannot give you the time and attention you deserve, but it is not this day and will not be for the foreseeable future.