A Look Back On The Worst Pickup Lines I’ve Ever Used

A Look Back On The Worst Pickup Lines I've Ever Used

I’m a firm believer that shooters have to shoot. That being said, not every shot you fire is going to be a bullseye, and some of them may miss the target completely and accidentally put a hole in someone’s car a mile away. I’ve said some ridiculous things to girls over the years in an attempt to hit on them, and while the results have been varied, they are always entertaining (to me). Here are my worst lines.

1. “Watch this.”
I’ve used this line in some form pretty much my whole life. I said it when I was 10 years old right before I accidentally rode my bike into a lake attempting to impress my cute neighbor; I said it when I almost drifted my car (containing the girl I wanted to take to the homecoming dance) into someone’s living room; and I said it immediately prior to giving myself a mild concussion in a two-foot-deep inflatable pool at my fraternity’s summer bash. I think at some point in my life I’ll grow out of doing stupid shit to impress girls, but that day has not yet come.

Result: Several scars and close calls with the law, and a few (sympathy) hookups. I regret nothing.

2. “A lot of people think I’m hot.”
This might be the only moment in my life that I’m embarrassed of. It was my first week as a freshman in a high school where I knew no one. However, I was given a gift from fate, in the form of one of the more popular girls coming up to me and telling me that her friend thought I was hot. I immediately threw this gift in the trash by responding in the cockiest fashion possible, “a lot of people think I’m hot.” Not only was this statement wildly incorrect, the girl immediately rolled her eyes and walked back to her friends who undoubtedly spent the rest of lunch shit talking me.

Result: Continued embarrassment for the next ten years of my life and a group of attractive girls thinking I was a huge douchebag.

3. “That doesn’t look good on you, you should take it off.”
I don’t know what possessed me to think I had the charm/looks to pull this line off, but I was immediately proven wrong. Let me paint you a picture here. You’re an attractive girl who probably spent way too long cutting a college football shirt and sewing it back together to look cute for the homecoming game. You start talking to some 19-year-old douchebag who’s wearing a cutoff shirt, black diamond earrings, and is sitting on the tailgate of a pickup because he’s too drunk off Keystone Light to stand on his own. Then when you mention how much work the outfit was to create, he uses that gem of a line, and has the audacity to wink at you.

Result: She called me an asshole and walked away, and I continued to drink like it would make our team’s 1-6 record reverse itself.

4. “This shirt is made of random hookup material.”
To be fair, I wasn’t the only douchebag spouting off stupid lines in this scenario. While waiting in line for the beach bar in Lake Tahoe, my friend decided to ask the girls in front of us “what material the thought his shirt was made of.” When they answered with “cotton?” and “read the tag,” respectively, he decided to test out his newest line. “It’s boyfriend material.” While they fake-laughed and eye-rolled, I decided to piggy back off his line and added, “My shirt is made of random hookup material. It’s not supportive and you won’t be able to find it in the morning.” Both girls looked at my smug face, clearly proud of myself for my wittiness, and in unison, left the line altogether to walk back down the beach.

Result: While the girls I used the line on did not appreciate it, apparently a girl standing behind us thought it was funny, and I soon became the proud recipient of one (1) sloppy beach make out.

5. “Hey you, with that face on.”
By the third day of Spring Break, our whole crew was a shell of who we were 72 hours prior. What had started as 12 confident men on a mission to meet girls, suavely hit on them, and have hotel room sex had devolved. The 5 of us still standing were drunken children entertaining ourselves by yelling at any female form walking below our balcony. I’m not sure who started this line, but soon enough we were pointing out vague features on any girl who caught our attention. We used the aforementioned line, along with “Hey you, with that hair,” and my personal favorite “Hey you, with them flip-flops on.” It was a weird day.

Results: Some laughter and two girls flashed us, giving us a great “effort expended versus titties seen” ratio.

6. “Let’s chase this shot with a kiss.”
I’ve actually used this five times throughout my single career. It’s a high risk-high reward maneuver, and I’ve always used it on girls that were way out of my league. The key is to be in your most charming state of drunkenness (seven drinks deep, for me), and to not give the girl a chance to respond to the line. I would order tequila shots for her and I, conveniently forget to grab limes, and when asked for a chaser, respond with this. Then I would immediately cheers and take the shot, and by the time the girl realized how cheesy the line was, hopefully we’d already be making out.

Result: 100% success rate. Go try this line out. It may seem ridiculous coming out of your mouth, but if you sell it and don’t take yourself too seriously, it will work in your favor.

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Nick Arcadia

The opposite of a life coach. Email me if you want some bad advice:

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