A Letter To High School Douchebag Me

A Letter To High School Douchebag Me

I literally hate you. You are my biggest headache. You think you’re hot shit but you’re not shit. Every day I have to live through nightmares because I was you once. You are the bane of my existence. If I could go back in time, I would have never been you. Nobody likes you. The world does not revolve around you. You are the biggest douchebag in history.

I really don’t even know where to start with you. I know under that fake dickhead persona you’re a giant sensitive teddy bear, so I’ll try to take it easy. You’re a punk. The reason your dad is always yelling at you is because you’re a pain in his ass. Guess what! He actually does know more than you do.

Put down the damn basketball. William & Mary’s coach doesn’t want you anymore. He is going to tell you it’s because of your injury, but I promise it’s because you’re a little annoying cocksucker that can’t gain any weight. It’s okay, go chase your D3 dream because that’s not going to work out either. Enjoy being a shrimp because five years from now you’ll be 60 pounds heavier. Seriously, give up on basketball. You’re not even that good. Go to South Carolina and rush KA with all your friends. You would enjoy being in The Order much more than being miserable at some lame-ass liberal arts college for four years.

If I could go back in time, I would beat you senseless. I wish I went to high school with you so I could embarrass you in front of everyone. Just because you’re tall and have good hair does not mean you run shit. You have one of the most punchable faces I have ever seen. I’m glad Christian ran over your foot with his car and I’m glad the weak bones shattered at practice that night. I’m glad dad kicked you out of the house for two months. I’m glad you got that text in physics class and got dumped the day before prom. You deserve all the physical and emotional pain.

I know you won the state championship. This is not Friday Night Lights. Life is way more important than some state championship you won in a sub-par Christian school league. Like, congrats, but no one really cares.

Dude…shut the hell up on Facebook. No one wants to hear you complain about how you can’t wait to move out and go to college. No one wants to see all your random Weezy and Jeezy lyrics. Get a Twitter. Twitter is the future. But please just shut up on Facebook. Stop doing those stupid quizzes and posting them as notes. Just stop. You’re annoying.

I do have some nice things to say, though. I am proud of you for actually getting out of your small town and going to college. I’m proud of you for dunking on that one prick from your rival school. I am proud of you and Zach getting as creative as you can to get detention. I’m proud of the truck jousting. I’m proud of y’all interrupting chemistry class and walking in with the live snake you caught. I’m proud of you for feeding it a mouse in front of a bunch of little kids. I’m proud of you and the whole squad getting suspended 10 days for the go-cart incident. I’m proud of you for enjoying life while you are young.

I love you, man, but you really suck. Please try to get it together before you’re my age and hate yourself, because I literally hate you. People make fun of me to this day because I used to be you. So please man just sack up and quit being a douchebag. Life will be a lot better for you.

Still hate you,

P.S. Here is that douchebag that I hate.

Image via Unsplash

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Just a big dude from Virginia who loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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