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The latest dating craze is the popular iPhone app, Tinder. If you haven’t heard of it yet, crawl out of your hole and get with it, old-timer. It’s an online dating app that anonymously matches you with people in your area through your Facebook profiles. If you think one of your matches is attractive, you swipe to the right on your screen, and if they like you back, you can start chatting with that person and even plan a Tinder date where you will have a 60% chance of getting laid and a 7% chance of getting murdered and having your life story turned into the Lifetime movie titled “The Tinder Murder: Flames Of Passion.”
Here are some reasons you should swipe right (like), and some reasons you should you should swipe left (don’t like).
Swipe Right
- Over 21. Living dangerously, though. Trying to make it with a college chick is terribly frustrating when you’re not in college anymore.
- Drinking alcohol in their picture. They probably like to have fun.
- Over 30 and no kid in the picture. Single, desperate and no strings attached. Just how I like ’em.
- Multiple hotties in the picture. She’s gotta be one of them, right?
- Same age as you and moderately attractive. Because why not?
- Their dog is in the picture. I love a woman who loves dogs. Real dogs. Worth at least half a point on the 1-10 universal hotness scale.
Swipe Left
- Kid in the picture. Doesn’t matter if it’s theirs. If it is, that complicates things. If it isn’t, they want a bun in the oven.
- Selfie. Doesn’t matter how hot they are…well, maybe it does. Still, be a man of principle.
- Over 35. Time to grow up, lady.
- Cat(s) in the picture.
- Not college-aged and throwing up her sorority sign. I’m all for pride in the organizations you were a part of, but again, time to grow up.
- High school portrait as their pic. You don’t want to go down that road.
- Another guy in the picture. Could be her brother, could be somebody else. Either way, that’s some shady shit.
- She breaks the “half your age plus seven” rule. That’s as essential of a law as gravity. Cannot be broken. Unless you’re a millionaire or James Woods.
- She messages you and asks if you have a webcam. Sucks for you. That’s a Tinder pornbot.
Respond
TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour
Swipe to the left if all of her pictures are from the shoulders up…that means she’s a whale.
If she’s wearing big sunglasses she’s trying to hide her face for a reason. Left.
swipe right if shes… ebony. Gotta love those matches
Swipe Left if she actually puts a full bio in her profile = possible stage 4 Clinger
I travel a ton for work. This app is a godsend. If they still talk to you after ‘I’m only in town for a few days’, they know what’s up. Protip: download Burner and make a fake Snapchat.
Over 35 and divorced. Right swipe. She has to spend that settlement on someone.
Never heard of this before. Must be an old geezer then.
Is tinder worth it?