======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
As PGP’s preeminent feminist columnist, I fully support the idea of expensive engagement rings. After all, your fiancée walking around with a big ol’ rock on her finger is a massive representation of not only how much you love her, but also a terrific reflection on you as a man. Ladies, if it isn’t at least two carats, he doesn’t really love you. Guys, you know she’s going to post the hand picture all over Facebook and Instagram. Do you really want to be publicly shamed as a cheapskate?
Nevertheless, as a vigilant advocate for equality, I believe there is a distinctly unfair gender construct embedded within this entire process we call “engagement.” As I give up big bucks on the ring, so goes with it the strip clubs, college girls, shitting with the door open, and being able to keep my apartment messy. In general, I can’t escape the feeling that I’m offering more than I’m receiving in return, falling into a society drenched in patriarchy and chauvinism. No, your ability to cook doesn’t count. I’m a new age man, and I would cook you out of the kitchen.
So, as I give you my heart, my soul, and a significant portion of my bank account all in one emblematic piece of jewelry that symbolizes the timelessness of our love, all I ask for in return is a nice watch. Really, I think this is more than fair. Ladies, hear me out.
You Still Come Out Ahead, Financially
First of all, while I certainly wouldn’t mind a Patek Philippe, a nice Rolex, Omega, Brietling, or Panerai is only going to run you about $7,000. That pales in comparison to the cost of a solid engagement ring, not to mention the accompanying dinner expenses. Don’t look at me like that about the cost either – if you really are the smart and successful future wives that almost 90,000 of you claimed to be two weeks ago, you can budget it out.
Watches Are Terrific Investments
Like diamonds, a great watch will definitely maintain its value over time. Definitive watch style won’t change either, and even if it does, your man should be classic, not trendy. Do you think your dad looks cool in his orange tux with a cummerbund and huge bow tie? Hell, do you think your boyfriend looks cool in his black shirt with a black suit and a white tie prom outfit from high school? Absolutely not, and that is exactly how skinny ties, skinny slacks, and mini collars will look to us ten years from now. The watch you get him? Timeless.
You Get Something Else To Brag About
We all know that the reason you post the picture of the ring in the first place is to show off. You’re either showing off the design, the size, the cost, or the fact that you’re engaged in the first place, while your friends are gorging on take out and Law and Order SVU alone. Still, the ring is something you came across passively, not actively, and being able to post pictures of an amazing watch you got your fiancée will not only earn you the envy of women for your impeccable taste and thoughtfulness, but also from other men, jealous that their girl isn’t as forward-thinking as you are. Cast off the submissive shackles that society has forced upon you from youth. You make your own money and you can spend it as you like.
Your Man Gets Something Sentimental
As a guy, you don’t get much in the way of sentimentality. Your man maybe has an old baseball mitt, or a family picture, or his first porno mag (Guys, remember when porn was printed and in still-photo form?). This watch will be something that will remind your fiancée of you as he smiles and puts it on in the morning. This watch will become something that your husband can pass down to your son, or your grandson, and impart on them the timeless man wisdom a guy only receives after the age of 50. This watch will help your man understand the concept of putting emotional importance into inanimate objects and not judge you as much for your enormous collections of mementos when you move in together.
Maybe some of you ladies are more traditional. Maybe some of you are more frugal and would rather put that money toward something else. Maybe some of you are poor. In that case, blowjobs are at least a decent alternative.
Still, while blowies come and go, and past head fades into irrelevancy as time inevitably marches on, the perfectly crafted watch will, battery permitting, continue to move forward. It is a memento of that romantic moment, a proper symbol of your lives progressing together, and honestly, it’s just a really sweet gift.