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A Few Rules That Need To Be Implemented At Weddings

A Few Rules I’d Like to See Implemented at Weddings

Weddings. They’ve worn on me. I still love them, but they’ve gotten a bit stale. The next one more and more predictable than the last. I say it’s time we spice things up a bit. Let’s turn weddings into raucous affairs with a little panache. Let’s throw tradition to the wind and shake things up a bit.

Ring Bears

Yeah, yeah, I know this was a joke in HIMYM, but I came to this joke independently. I swear to god. Regardless, when it comes time for the ceremony to be performed, a live, trained bear walks the rings down the aisle. Then, the bride’s burliestuncle emerges from concealment while dressed in a bear suit and begins wrestling the groom until one party yields. Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see that. Tell me you wouldn’t pay Mayweather PPV money to see that show. Ring bears. Think about it.

White Shaming

Don’t get it twisted: this is the bride’s day and you’re just an extra in the background. Anyone wearing white will be marched down the aisle before the bride and doused with grape juice, strawberry soda and chewing gum. Said party will then also be forced to reimburse the bride’s father for the damage done to the venue. Basically Cersei’s walk of atonement with less human shit, but more vitriol.

Speech Judges

I’m not talking about like the NBA dunk contest or beauty pageant judges. No, no. I’m talking about like 17th Century judges. I’m talking “if you can read, you’re a witch”-type judges. If one of the speeches goes on too long? You’re a witch. If you make a bad joke? Tar and feathered. Joke about their ex? Put their ass in a pillory. Start singing a song? Mega witch. Could be a big hit. Give me a wig and a fancy scroll. I’m your Huckleberry.

Explicit Instructions to Not Bring Your Kids

I recently just found out that it’s “rude” to ask people to not bring their kids on wedding invitations. My question is this: how is it rude to tell people that their kids aren’t invited to something? I love kids… in the appropriate setting. Weddings are an adult affair. They’re expensive, long and boring to anyone under the legal drinking age. I legitimately loved weddings as a kid. I tore up dance floors and attempted many moonwalks from ages 6-11. Ate it up. But I understood, even as a young chap, that if I wasn’t invited to the wedding, that’s just the way it was. If you don’t want kids at your wedding, you should be allowed to explicitly say so.

Cocktail Hour Shot Clock

This thing starts ticking the minute the first guests arrive at the reception venue. A second clock, located on the party bus with the bridal party also begins ticking. One hour. You have one hour to get your ass to the reception after the ceremony. Squeeze in those pictures and take a shot of Fireball at the bar the couple met at and book it. Remember Crazy Taxi? Yeah, that game was awesome. Now, instead of a souped up Playstation taxi, imagine a fully loaded trolley car with nitrous just hauling ass into the Marriott front drive with seconds to spare and an absolutely jacked up guest list welcoming them to the finish line. Big ideas only.

Hired Distractors

Just super good looking dudes who you can call over to distract older people as soon as they start giving you 21 questions about work and your love life. Spoiler alert: Work is great, I like my apartment and if you really want me to be honest about my love life, I will, but you won’t like it because it consists of a ton of sinning and a skosh of recreational substance abuse. If the person speaking to me isn’t a close family member or a person with hiring power, I get to call one of these hunks over and they can talk their ear off. Problem solved.

Image via YouTube

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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