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Weddings. They’ve worn on me. I still love them, but they’ve gotten a bit stale. The next one more and more predictable than the last. I say it’s time we spice things up a bit. Let’s turn weddings into raucous affairs with a little panache. Let’s throw tradition to the wind and shake things up a bit.
Ring Bears
Yeah, yeah, I know this was a joke in HIMYM, but I came to this joke independently. I swear to god. Regardless, when it comes time for the ceremony to be performed, a live, trained bear walks the rings down the aisle. Then, the bride’s burliestuncle emerges from concealment while dressed in a bear suit and begins wrestling the groom until one party yields. Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see that. Tell me you wouldn’t pay Mayweather PPV money to see that show. Ring bears. Think about it.
White Shaming
Don’t get it twisted: this is the bride’s day and you’re just an extra in the background. Anyone wearing white will be marched down the aisle before the bride and doused with grape juice, strawberry soda and chewing gum. Said party will then also be forced to reimburse the bride’s father for the damage done to the venue. Basically Cersei’s walk of atonement with less human shit, but more vitriol.
Speech Judges
I’m not talking about like the NBA dunk contest or beauty pageant judges. No, no. I’m talking about like 17th Century judges. I’m talking “if you can read, you’re a witch”-type judges. If one of the speeches goes on too long? You’re a witch. If you make a bad joke? Tar and feathered. Joke about their ex? Put their ass in a pillory. Start singing a song? Mega witch. Could be a big hit. Give me a wig and a fancy scroll. I’m your Huckleberry.
Explicit Instructions to Not Bring Your Kids
I recently just found out that it’s “rude” to ask people to not bring their kids on wedding invitations. My question is this: how is it rude to tell people that their kids aren’t invited to something? I love kids… in the appropriate setting. Weddings are an adult affair. They’re expensive, long and boring to anyone under the legal drinking age. I legitimately loved weddings as a kid. I tore up dance floors and attempted many moonwalks from ages 6-11. Ate it up. But I understood, even as a young chap, that if I wasn’t invited to the wedding, that’s just the way it was. If you don’t want kids at your wedding, you should be allowed to explicitly say so.
Cocktail Hour Shot Clock
This thing starts ticking the minute the first guests arrive at the reception venue. A second clock, located on the party bus with the bridal party also begins ticking. One hour. You have one hour to get your ass to the reception after the ceremony. Squeeze in those pictures and take a shot of Fireball at the bar the couple met at and book it. Remember Crazy Taxi? Yeah, that game was awesome. Now, instead of a souped up Playstation taxi, imagine a fully loaded trolley car with nitrous just hauling ass into the Marriott front drive with seconds to spare and an absolutely jacked up guest list welcoming them to the finish line. Big ideas only.
Hired Distractors
Just super good looking dudes who you can call over to distract older people as soon as they start giving you 21 questions about work and your love life. Spoiler alert: Work is great, I like my apartment and if you really want me to be honest about my love life, I will, but you won’t like it because it consists of a ton of sinning and a skosh of recreational substance abuse. If the person speaking to me isn’t a close family member or a person with hiring power, I get to call one of these hunks over and they can talk their ear off. Problem solved. .
Image via YouTube
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
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My wedding is this weekend, no children allowed, half my family is pissed they can’t bring their fuck trophies.
Couldn’t care less
Fuck trophies is the greatest thing I’ve ever heard, thank you for making my day that much better.
I get paid over $95 per hour working from home with 2 kids at home. I never thought I’d be able to do it but my best friend earns over 10k a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The potential with this is endless.
This is what I do… >>Click Here And start work<<
Go this web and start your work.. Good luck
They’re just pissed they won’t be able to snag cute pics of their “fuck trophies” at your wedding. Bitch, that’s what Walgreens’ photo section is for.
I had no idea it was rude not to invite children to the wedding. Seems very reasonable to me.
I’ve always thought it was rather rude to bring your young children to weddings in the first place.
We hired a general babysitter for our wedding. Just a college girl who stayed with all the kids in another room and basically mandated that all kids be deposited there after the ceremony.
Can confirm that this works well. Hire sitter(s) + pizza + movies – place them in a separate area of the facility and then pick them up on your way out. It’s a great middle ground to the kids v. no kids wedding conundrum
It’s not rude to not invite children. As far as I understand it, kids can come to the ceremony but they can fuck off at the reception. There’s no reason for a child to be at a wedding reception.
Exactly. If you didn’t hire a sitter don’t ruin the fun for others. Go to the wedding, skip the reception.
My dad is the youngest of 8 kids spanning 16 years. This has made a couple of my cousins, my siblings, and I the youngest of the 20+ cousins by quite a bit. When I was 13 an older cousin got married and didn’t invite us younger cousins. Growing up I hated her for it, but now that I’m 25 and nearing that age myself I totally understand the move.
All I’ll say is if the entire fam attends the parent’s who brought those children better be dropping a solid gift or check off at the table.
(Semi-unrelated, the cousin who didn’t invite us to her wedding has the most uncontrollable, misbehaved, and accident prone children ever. Kind of ironic.)
As someone who is getting married in 11 days, this was a tough one. I’m a teacher who became close with a few families of kids I have taught. Ultimately we decided to invite them because it means the parents get to come. We would rather have the whole family come then the parents saying they couldn’t come because they couldn’t find a sitter.
Ring Bear was mine Brian… Get off my corner…
Name checks out
Will there, or will there not be, a ring bear at the wedding?
An open bar should be mandatory at all weddings
Recently outright denied a wedding invitation because it wasn’t open bar. You want me to drive 8 hours to middle of nowhere upstate NY, AND pay for my booz? Yeah, no thanks.
Welcome to your first rodeo, Mike Baxter.
Also, if you’re gonna have a buffet at the wedding instead of a sit down dinner (100% in favor of this) don’t make people wait to eat until you get done talking pictures, and if it’s an outdoor wedding between the months of November and march, get some form of heater so people aren’t freezing
Also, you should have a toilet for people to go to the bathroom.
Let’s not go crazy champ
I don’t want kids at my wedding because 1) I don’t want ridiculous screaming and/or crying in the middle of the ceremony and 2) I don’t want my guests leaving early because “little Timmy needs to go to bed.” I see nothing wrong with this.
I stand by all of these ideas, especially the no kid thing. Went to a wedding last year where there were at all times no less than one dozen children on the dance floor.. no adults could dance. Little shits running around like a goddamn circus ruins it for everyone
I know not inviting kids is the hot topic, but gotta give it up for white shaming. How is this even a thing that needs to exist? There was a mid-40s woman at the last wedding I attended (read: she should have known better) who was in a solid white lace dress. After two (OK five) glasses of wine, I drunkenly told her that her dress was inappropriate while waiting in line for the bar. Didn’t go over well, but I like to think I did the bride a favor for saying what she couldn’t ask out of tact. Plus, hopefully this woman won’t make this same mistake at the next wedding she attends.
But back to kids- I’ve seen invites that request no kids very tastefully. Leave the ankle biters for the babysitter and enjoy a night out with other adults with free booze.
Let’s face it, weddings need rules.
This needs a place on my wedding Pinterest but there’s no share link for that
I’m a nanny, so we ended up with a ton of kids at our wedding (I had 8 flower girls and 2 ring bearers). But I definitely made sure to tell parents that there would be lots of German beer at the reception, so we would be hiring a baby sitter, and if they weren’t comfortable with that, it may be best to hire someone they know and are comfortable with.