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It’s that time of the year, folks. The temperature has dropped into the 40s, gray skies encompass the horizon, and the weather outside is dreadful. There’s not a lot I can say about this time of year that’ll make you feel better. I mean, we have Thanksgiving to look forward to, and then after (and only after, you early-Christmas-celebrating psychos) we can all be excited for Christmas. That’s pretty much it.
Come January, there’s nothing to distract from the cold onslaught of winter, so we just need to do our best to stay indoors and keep comfortable. The best way to do that? Cuddling. Everyone likes cuddling. If you say you don’t, you’re either a liar or a legitimate serial killer. However, not all cuddling positions are the same. Some make you feel like you’re snuggled in a warm cocoon of love, and some make you feel like James Franco in that movie where his arm is stuck under a rock. Let’s rank them.
You’re a fucking psycho and I don’t know how you’ve convinced someone to even speak to you, let alone cuddle you. This position is the perfect storm of discomfort. Your arm is going to go numb from someone else’s body weight, you’re going to catch hairs in your mouth, you can’t release yourself from this position without an intricate game of twister, and worst of all, every breath you take is directly out of your partner’s mouth. I know people in love like saying shit like “you take my breath away,” but that’s disgusting when you realize you’re actually breathing in her warm, moist, BBQ-chicken-pizza-you-had-for-dinner laden breath. Even writing that sentence made me gag. Please don’t subject yourself to this torture.
7. Big Spoon
The fact that this is considered the standard just goes to show that girls still hold all the power when it comes to cuddling trends. Sure, she gets to feel enveloped in a warm, protective, hug, but what do you get? An arm that may need to be amputated and a face full of hair. Does the hair smell good? Yes, but that’s not the point. Lots of things smell good and I don’t want to eat them. Christmas trees. My scented candle. Gasoline. The point is, I’m tired of my arm going numb and desperately trying to swat tickly hairs out of my face just so someone else can be comfortable. It’s 2017 baby, equality has arrived.
6. Sloth Spooning
This doesn’t solve any of the undesirable aspects of the classic spoon, but you do get to wrap your leg around the girl, which has two positive effects. Number one, it’s an awesome hammy stretch. Sure, it looks fucking weird, and your boys would roast you if they walked into your room for some reason, but goddamn does it feel good to stretch it out. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it brings equality into the bedroom. Sure, your arm still hurts and you’ve ingested several pounds of TREsemmè Shampoo, but she’s now dealing with the full weight of your leg on her ribs. Legs are pretty heavy, especially when you do squats once every six weeks like yours truly, and after a few minutes, she’s going to get pretty uncomfortable. Perfect. Now you’re both not enjoying the cuddling, together. Equality is pretty sexy in a relationship, am I right?
5. Lap Laying
I’m neutral on this one. Having a girl lay on your lap is nice as long as you’re not also trying to fall asleep, and lying on a girl’s lap is nice if you’re like, at a picnic or something? I’m not sure where this would be applicable. Either way, one of you is laying down (very comfortable) and one of you is sitting (pretty comfortable). It’s a couch staple that’s usually a sign that you’re going to have to rewatch that episode of Black Mirror you’re on because one of you is seconds away from sleep.
4. Girl On Guy’s Chest
Now we’re getting somewhere. You get to lie on your back with both hands-free to read mindlessly browse Twitter as you please? A position you can both feasibly sleep in without sacrificing your own comfort for the other person’s? Wow, it’s like this is the perfect couples cuddling position. Let’s make this the classic and do away with being big spoon forever.
3. Guy On Girl’s Chest
I’ve never attempted this for longer than a minute or two, so I can’t speak to the longevity factor, but it’s pretty nice. I’m a big fan of boobs, as I suspect many of you are as well. This position allows me to put my face next to boobs, which is pretty much my main goal every waking second of my life. Is it especially comfortable? Not really. Do you have to awkwardly scooch down in the bed to get in this position? Yes. Would you rather be sleeping on a pillow? Undoubtedly. But, and I fear I haven’t made this clear enough, you get to have your face on boobs. That alone is putting this in the number three spot.
2. Little Spoon
Also known as Jet-Packing, Backpacking, or The Perfect Cuddling Position. Being the little spoon is amazing. You get to sleep on your side, comfortable, with your hands freely in front of you, while a small but ridiculously warm person hugs you from behind. It’s cozy, comfortable, and I can totally see why girls love it. Full disclosure, I would say my girlfriend is the big spoon about 80% of the nights we sleep together. For everyone who’s going to comment about how “being the little spoon is for women or pussies,” get out of here with that toxic masculinity. Women are way ahead of us on living life in comfort, and I think guys everywhere need to start taking some pages out of their book. On an unrelated note, I recently purchased myself a fluffy plush robe and it’s the single greatest decision I’ve ever made.
1. Sleeping On Opposite Sides Of The Bed Without Touching At All
Remember when I said being little spoon is the best cuddling position of all time? I jumped the gun. Have you guys ever slept in the same bed with someone with absolutely zero contact? That’s what I’m fucking talking about. Sleeping on separate sides of the bed with plenty of blankets for both of you, just getting a restful-ass eight hours, baby. I’m talking about two people who love and are attracted to each other completely turning their backs on one another and sleeping 100% on their own. If you’re a freak, maybe you even put a couple pillows in between the two of you as a complete buffer zone. God, I’m getting turned on just thinking about it.
Get cozy dudes, we’ve got six more months until it’s officially too hot to cuddle again. .