Alright folks – the best part of having two episodes of The Bachelorette in one week is a double dose of drama, roses, and man-tears. The worst part is that nothing actually happens in the first episode, which leads to a dark spiral of questioning your life choices to spend four hours of your week watching a bunch of jerk-offs gallivant in bro-tanks on reality television in a mostly-futile attempt to bang a D-list celebrity. Let’s break it down:
One-on-One Date with Chase
The episode starts with the aftermath of last week’s Rose Ceremony –- it’s odd that we’ve never gotten to see this before, but it bears a striking resemblance to any college house on a Sunday morning, except with better glassware. The dudes are devastated that Chad is sticking around for another week. Evan tells the camera “Chad has two sides: a douche and an asshole.” I have to give the Boner Guru props, that assessment made me giggle a bit.
Chris Harrison shows up for his contractually-required appearance and tells the dudes there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date this week. He drops the first date card and nopes the fuck out of the mansion before the card even hits the ground.
The first date card reads, “Let’s get physical” and is addressed to Chase, the medical sales rep who looks like Jordan but is not Jordan. He did not get a date last week, so my shit-talking of him is limited to the thirty seconds of screen time he got on the first night. JoJo tells the camera that she is excited for their date and wants to see if she can connect with Chase; I’m glad to see that JoJo can explain the concept of dating considering she is the lead on a television show about dating and was given that job after her performance on a similar television show about dating several months ago. Nothing gets past her.
Chase rolls up to some building where JoJo happens to be waiting outside. JoJo tells Chase that the first part of their date will be doing yoga. She says, “I haven’t gotten into yoga yet, but I really want to.” She shouldn’t have said that on national television –- someone might come and take her Basic Bitch card away from her and ban her from Starbucks while they’re at it. Chase is silent, but his eyes are screaming “I want to ride in a helicopter!”
They stroll inside, where they are greeted by some tree-hugger bitch whose name, I shit you not, is Hemalayaa. Her parents probably should have hemalayaad off the mescaline around the time they were filling out her birth certificate. At first, I felt a pang of pity because I’m sure that her middle school experience was brutal, but then I realized there’s a zero percent chance she has ever been inside an actual school. Mother Earth asks the couple “How long have you two been intimate?” That’s a horrifying way of asking what should be a simple question. They tell her they met a week ago and she looks taken aback –- it’s similar to the face I make on hungover Sundays when I remember that Chick-Fil-A isn’t open.
Hemagotlayaadoffeveryrealjobsheeverhad lays down on the ground of the yoga studio, where she proceeds to make tiny but violent hip thrusts into the air while grunting like Serena Williams in heat. She tells JoJo and Chase to do the same; they comply begrudgingly. Their next pose is beating their hands and feet on the ground, which Hemalayaaingontheground calls “having an angergasm.” Chase tells the camera, “This is not the kind of ‘gasm I was hoping to have today.”
After practicing their tantrums, JoJo and Chase are tasked with practicing their boning. Apparently this practice is called “yapyum” or some other made-up shit and involves the female partner mounting the male and slowing gyrating on top of him whilst rubbing noses. Hemawantstogetlayaaed tells the couple that in this pose, both their hearts and third eyes are aligned. Jojo whispers, “I know, I can feel it through his Spandex.” Whatever she feels is working for her, because after a solid minute of nose rubbing in the yikyak pose they go for the yoga make out. I would say it was hot, but I think that’s fairly obvious at this point –- the two of them are dripping sweat all over each other. Get a room, preferably one with a shower.
Their next stop is dinner. They spend most of the time talking about how embarrassing yoga was, and JoJo tells Chase that even though she spent most of the time so mortified she wanted to die, his charm and goofiness made her feel comfortable and kept the date fun for her. She tells him she felt a real connection with him during their yoyo yoga session. Chase replies, “I felt it too. Weren’t we playing ‘just the tip’ at that point anyway?”
The rest of their conversation is about actual relationship shit and it’s boring. Chase’s parents got divorced when he was young, and because of that experience he wants to make sure he finds the right person. JoJo asks him if he buys into the Bachelor franchise enough to actually find that person through this process -– he replies that while he wasn’t sure initially, if he found enough love to overcome the fears he has on the show, he’s open to it. I’m not sure what that is supposed to mean, but JoJo seemed to eat it up. He gets the date rose.
Before the date ends, JoJo tells him that she has one more surprise for him. She leads him outside where Charles Kelley is playing a private concert for them. After Googling Charles Kelley, I learned that he is a member of Lady Antebellum and his older brother is also a singer whose greatest hit was marrying Katherine Heigl. Their family holidays must be insufferable and pretentious. JoJo and Chase continue to make out until the camera cuts away to JoJo saying that she’s “seen so many wonderful sides of Chase tonight.” Probably his front side, his backside, maybe his undercarriage while he was in downward dog.
Sex Talks Group Date
The next date card arrives and is addressed to Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad and reads “Love has no secrets.” Chad is dismayed that he is on yet another group date -– I mean, after all, it is the second week of dates! What’s JoJo thinking? He tells the group that it’s too many dudes and he doesn’t want to go. (Spoiler alert –- he still goes on the date.) Jordan remarks, “Well, whatever team Chad is on, I hope it’s for a bench press competition, not a spelling bee.” Chad fires back, telling Jordan, “Are you insinuating I’m stupid?” I don’t think there’s a lot of insinuation there, Chad. He’s saying you’re better at picking up heavy things than you are at spelling words. Prove us wrong. Shock the world. Chad continues his rant at Jordan, saying, “You’re a 27-year-old failed football player. All you’ve ever done is throw a piece of leather.” Harsh, not wrong — although I’d be willing to wager that Jordan has done a few more
women things than just throw the old pigskin. I think his ex-girlfriend’s Instagram would agree.
The dudes load up into two limos and meet JoJo at the Atwater Village Theater. She informs her harem they’ll be going to a show, although she won’t tell them what they’ll be seeing. I pray for the sake of all things holy it’s The Vagina Monologues. The crew files into two rows in the small theater and a single woman comes on stage and stands before the microphone. I set my wine glass down in case my hunch proves correct; I’ll need total concentration for typing notes. The woman starts panting, and Vinny tells the camera “This woman is breathing heavily –- I’ve never heard anything like that before.” The breathing gives way to moaning and in a manner of seconds, this lady is full-on Meg Ryan in When Harry Meets Sally in front of a live studio audience. Vinny wishes that he didn’t just tell America he’s never heard a woman have an orgasm before. Why are there so many gasms in this episode?
It turns out the show they’re at is actually called Sex Talks (albeit not with Sue Johanson). JoJo buys into the producers’ ploy to making everyone uncomfortable, saying “I’m a physical person –- I think it’s important to talk about sex in a relationship.” I would agree with JoJo, but maybe not in a format where your grandmother has access to that conversation. Undeterred, the actors inform the dudes that as the scripted portion of the show concludes, they will be called onstage to tell the audience embarrassing stories of their own sexual encounters. James F. sums up their reactions best when he tells the camera “All of my nightmares have come true.”
The dudes head backstage and start slamming shots. I respect that approach; you can almost always find great ideas at the bottom of bottles. While everyone else tries to think of a story that is embarrassing enough to fit the prompt but endearing enough to get into JoJo’s pantalones, Chad broods. He tells his personal fuckboy Daniel the Canadian that “I don’t care about her sexual past. I don’t want her to know mine. She hasn’t earned that -– it isn’t her business.” Jesus Christ, just play along or take your toys to a different sandbox (like Bachelor in Paradise).
Grant is the first dude on stage, where he tells the story of being sixteen and losing his virginity inside two sleeping bags zipped together in a public park, getting caught by the police and subsequently thrown into cuffs “wearing nothing but a condom.” I feel like I’ve seen that storyline in a movie before. Saint Nick is up next, acting out a cringeworthy rendition of his teenage-self using the good ole alphabet trick on the downstairs of a lady friend. It takes a lot to make me squeamish — and hearing him describe his phonetic Tongue Tornado was awful enough — but having to see the reenactment really turned my stomach. We don’t get to hear Jordan, James F., or Ali’s stories, but we do see Vinny inexplicably take off his shirt. I am confused as to how the only barber on the show also has the worst damn haircut. Things get weird when Daniel admits to having a girl tied up and cutting off a lock of her hair with the knife he apparently always carries on him. That’s some serial killer shit there, but JoJo seems oddly amused. Why isn’t she horrified? She should be horrified.
Evan is the next to take the stage. Backstage, he indicated that he planned to throw in a few jokes about Chad. He starts off saying that “In a house of dudes, there is a lot of testosterone.” Thanks for pointing out the obvious Evan. It’s like us telling you than in your boner clinics, most of the testosterone is in vials, not inside your clients. He goes on to illuminate some of the dangers of steroid abuse, saying, “Yeah, you get big muscles. But here are a few dangers of overdose –- irritability, social withdrawal, and telling the girl you’re dating that she’s nagging you.” Evan may not be able to pitch a tent without a little bit of help, but that may be because his gigantic balls are weighing him down.
As Evan returns to his seat with a shit-eating grin on his face, Chad passes him in the aisle, grabbing the back of his shirt and pulling Evan backward, ripping his shirt in the process. This altercation does not go unnoticed by JoJo. As Chad takes the stage, he tells the audience he needs a volunteer and asks JoJo to join him on the stage. As she does, he tells her that he won’t be sharing a story. Instead, he points to the dudes and tells her “They know nothing about what’s going on between me and you.” He pulls her close and goes in for a kiss but JoJo turns her head away to give him the cheek. Big tree fall hard. This moment must be like the best Christmas ever for the other eleven dudes as they watch Captain Douchenozzle crash and burn.
In the span of the moments following JoJo’s public rejection, Chad tosses the microphone across the stage, walks away, punches a door hard enough to bloody his knuckles, and goes up to Evan and grabs him by the throat, so he probably doesn’t have any deep-seeded anger issues he should seek professional therapy to help resolve. This is a totally normal reaction.
The other dudes step in to pull Chad back from Evan. Evan tells him “We’re just trying to have a good time, man” and Chad retorts, “That’s not what you did!” Jordan tells the camera “We all just saw his true colors, and it’s called ‘roid rage.” If anyone has seen it before, it would definitely be Jordan.
For the evening portion of the date, the dudes and JoJo head to a place called Big Daddy’s. Sounds romantic and expensive. I jest. As soon as they sit down, dramatic music is playing, so you know shit is going down at some point. Jordan is the first to talk to JoJo, telling her that while he feels they have a good connection, he isn’t good at opening up. He talks about prioritizing his career over his previous relationship but tells JoJo he has a feeling around her that he hasn’t had in a long time and this time he truly is looking for
fame love. JoJo tells him that she thinks he’s famous fun and cool and that she’s open and excited about their relationship.
The producers breeze through most of the evening’s conversations -– we don’t hear a word Alex says and the only glimpse we see of Vinny is him trying on JoJo’s leather jacket. It fits him quite well. As Saint Nick sits down with JoJo, Captain Douchenozzle tries to cut in. For the second time in a single date, JoJo denies him, saying Nick just sat down. Chad sulks off, sitting down in a chair that is out of JoJo’s sight, but still within view of the camera. He drags a chair across the floor to use as a footrest and starts whistling, both of which are audible to JoJo and Saint Nick. I get that he’s trying to assert his dominance, but be less annoying about it. Saint Nick ends up leading JoJo away, and eventually, Chad returns to sit with the rest of the dudes.
When Chad returns, Vinny asks him, “How did your performance go today?” Is Vinny the new Chris Harrison? He’s asking important questions and looks great in women’s clothing, so it isn’t outside the realm of possibility. Captain DNoz replies, “Well, not as expected but at least I tried.”
Vinny isn’t done yet. He goes on, “Why did you pull Evan’s shirt?” Chad looks at him incredulously, as if he had no idea that Evan’s shirt was ever pulled and ripped, much less like he was the one who did it. He cooks up some bullshit about how Evan’s jokes didn’t bother him at all, but claims Evan tried to barrel through him on the way back to his seat, and that’s what made him mad. Chad tells the camera “It’s like Evan was always bullied and now I’m the guy that he’s decided to stand up to.” Chad is a manipulative fuck, and most likely a sociopath. Just to be clear -– Do I think he’s a terrible person? Without a doubt. Would I piss on him if he were on fire? Unlikely. Do I want him to get sent home yet? Absolutely not. This ass-hat is a goldmine.
Evan tells the cameras he knows that he can avoid Chad, but he doesn’t want to anymore. He marches his candy ass over to Captain DNoz and flat-out asks “Why are you here?” Chad seems confused, so Evan continues, “We got into an altercation, and you owe me an apology and a shirt.” Chad slinks back, “You’re, like, trying to bully me or something. Stay away from me. Why are you so obsessed with me?” It’s unclear whether Chad realizes everything on the show is recorded, and simply saying that something is so doesn’t actually make it so –- just because you say that the small Boner Guru is bullying doesn’t erase you throttling him or punching a door like it was your ex-girlfriend from our memory.
Also, apparently Evan has three children. I feel like we should be making a bigger deal about that, right? Congrats on the fertility, never saw that coming.
Chad and the other dudes bounce out of Confrontation Station, and Chad continues to shark his way around JoJo, pacing behind her when she’s talking to the other dudes and talking shit about everyone else. He says that Grant “looks like a dude from SpongeBob.” Last time I checked there was not a tattooed firefighter on that series, so I’m not sure which particular character Captain DNoz has in mind.
Finally, Chad gets his coveted time with JoJo. He tells the cameras “I’m just giving her a break from the other dudes.” Move over Nick, we’ve got a new saint in town. The first thing he tells JoJo is that he didn’t want to be on a date with twelve dudes. JoJo responds, “Well, fuck you too.” She asks him about what happened with Evan; she defends the jokes Evan made at Chad’s expense, saying they were all in good fun. Chad tells her he pulled Evan’s shirt since Evan tried to push him over. “It’s like a little kid trying to beat up a bully,” Chad explains. JoJo ponders this for a moment before answering, “Well, don’t be a bully, dipshit.” She tells him that she sees so many different sides of him (unclear if more or less sides than Chase); there’s the arrogant asshole that gets her hot and bothered and the slightly less arrogant asshole that sometimes says nice things that she would consider bringing home to MomJo. Chad grumbles and retreats. It’s past his feeding time anyway.
Not to be outdone by Chad yet again, Evan approaches JoJo. I’m starting to understand why the one-on-one dates this week get virtually no screen time; the entire episode is devoted to what appears to be the schoolgirl version of a David and Goliath story. Maybe we’ll get to see the two of them on a two-on-one date? Evan tells JoJo he realizes that he hasn’t been as strong as he should be and that losing a potential relationship with her is scary to him. As he says that, his testicles start to shrivel. He says that Chad has two completely different personalities, and if she continues to keep Chad, he won’t stay on the show. Up to this point, I’d been with Evan. I’m a big fan of calling people out for their shit, and if it was okay to be physically aggressive with someone who makes fun of you, I’m pretty sure Shawn Booth and Nick Viall would have beaten the ever-loving shit out of me before feeding me to Olivia by now. She needs the calories to keep the cankles, you know. However, throwing down an ultimatum like that on the second week of filming is some pussy-ass shit.
JoJo keeps her wits about her and tells Evan there are things she likes about both him and Chad; she goes on to say this puts her in a tough situation, and she needs to take some time to think about it. Apparently a commercial break was enough time, because when the show resumes, JoJo reenters the circle of dudes and grabs the date rose. She asks to speak to Evan alone, and I’m convinced she’s about to send him home and/or suggest he audition for the next season of the Bachelor, where his obsession with Chad may be better served. Instead, she offers him the date rose, telling him she wanted to ask in private since she wasn’t sure he would accept it or not. She says, “I like you. I think you’re amazing and an unbelievable father.” She knows about the kids? Why didn’t we know about the kids? Evan backs down off his high horse and accepts the rose and they kiss. The pair returns to the other dudes, Evan’s meat swinging from knee to knee.
As they sit down, Chad is noticeably bewildered. It’s like someone asked him if he’d rather give up working out or eating meat for the rest of his life. As JoJo is explaining her decision, she notices his expression. “Are you good?” she asks the Douchenozzle. He responds, “Is this a real scenario right now? I’m honestly just being curious. There’s no problem. But you’re telling me you’re actually vibing this dude right now?” Utter silence fills the room. Wells’ frail heart gives out and he collapses. No one notices.
JoJo stares Chad down. “Yeah, and I don’t like what you’re doing. I don’t like this side of you. You’re being disrespectful.” Before anyone has a chance to move, JoJo bolts. “Thanks so much. I’ll see you at the rose ceremony. Maybe.” Alex tells the camera “I’m going to DVR this moment and watch it over and over again.” Come on man, there has to be some porno that does a better job of getting you going than just watching Chad get his shit handed to him. No? To each their own.
In the aftermath of the date, apparently Chad seemed so unstable that Derek stopped sleeping in the same room as him out of fear of being murdered in his sleep, and the dudes request a security guard follow Chad around. This is getting too good. Chad is flying too close to the reality television sun.
One-on-One Date with James Taylor
This week’s last date card goes to James Taylor and reads “Let’s kick it old school.” They dress up like characters from Leave it to Beaver and head to a swing dance class taught by a 92-year-old woman named Jean. I’ll spare you most of the details -– this date is an exact replica of Ben Higgins’ first date with Kaitlyn last season. JoJo (and Kaitlyn) were unsure if there’s any chemistry, so this is the dude’s chance to break out of the friendzone. It’s about as interesting as James Taylor (it’s not interesting).
James Taylor isn’t the best dancer, but by golly, he tries his darndest. We’re spared from watching his two left feet step all of JoJo and are instead transported back to the mansion, where Chad is talking to Daniel while eating a raw sweet potato. You know, more normal shit. I’m honestly surprised he isn’t swallowing it whole to continue asserting his dominance in all aspects of life. Daniel tells him that maybe he should be less like Hitler and more like Mussolini or Bush. If the one person in the house who is willing to talk to you compares you to Hitler, it’s officially time to reevaluate your image.
Back on the date, James Taylor’s dancing has improved marginally. After their lesson, they go out on the street were there is a gaggle of other swing dancers coordinated by the producers. They join. This is a shitty date. Eventually, they put us out of our misery and leave, heading off to some makeout overlook. Is this green-screened? It looks green-screened to me. JoJo continues to tell the camera she doesn’t know if she has any chemistry with James Taylor. Their conversation is like pulling teeth. She tells him, “You’re kind of a nice guy like Ben. Are you like Ben? Could you possibly be more like Ben? I really miss Ben.” She goes on to say, “You would make a great life partner,” which has been said by no girl who is looking at a dude that she wants to bang her, ever.
Sensing that he may be about to sail away on the FriendShip, JT pulls out his secret weapon: his guitar. He plays another original song he wrote about JoJo, gives her panty puddles, and collects his rose. I like the dude, but there’s only so many times he’s going to be able to pull that off. As the date ends, JoJo tells the camera “Wow! James moved out of the friendzone which I did not expect…” Preach JoJo, preach.
Chris Harrison comes to the mansion and informs the dudes that JoJo canceled the cocktail party. Instead, she wants to have an all-day pool party. Evan seizes this opportunity to have some one-on-one time with the emperor of the Bachelor empire and tattles on Chad for being a meanie, citing “safety concerns.” I’m like 19% with Evan on this –- he put a target on his own back and probably does have an ass-beating coming his way, but be a man about it. Chris takes the concern seriously, if only for legal reasons, and pulls Chad aside as well. Apparently Harrison has heard similar complaints from other dudes, so he tells Chad that he can’t be violent and suggests he apologize to the dudes for being a douchenozzle.
As if ABC would provide any sort of closure on a two-night special. Joke’s on us. The episode concludes with Chad’s eyes going completely black like Bruce from Finding Nemo during a feeding frenzy as he prepares to go apeshit inside the mansion.
It looks like at least two dudes end up bleeding on Tuesday’s episode, although I’ll wager the drama that unfolds is much less dramatic than what we’re hoping to see. Regardless, we’ll find out in a few short hours. See you then..
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Listen to us break down Week 3.
Image via John Naffziger