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What is your relationship status?
The kind where I am genuinely giving Match.com a shot, so single. Very, very single.
How tall are you?
5 foot 5, although I’m really more concerned about how tall he is. There’s a height requirement for this ride.
Which best describes your body type?
Anywhere from “slender” to “about average.” Let’s just be honest here–if I were still “athletic and toned” I probably wouldn’t need Match.com.
Which ethnicities best describe you?
Mainly white, but my great-great-great-grandmother was Cherokee. Let’s go ahead and add Native American, just to make sure I cover all my bases.
What is your faith?
Christian/Catholic. Technically, I’m not even Catholic. I’m Methodist. But my mom and sister converted to Catholicism and that’s close enough, right? I’m what I like to call “Cathodist,” but both the Methodists and the Catholics frown upon that. I’m going straight to hell anyway, so what does it matter?
What’s your level of education?
A bachelor’s degree, but to be honest, I don’t really remember getting it.
What languages do you speak?
English and whatever Spanish and Chinese my much younger little sister picked up from “Dora the Explorer” and “Ni Hao Kai-lan.” So, English.
How often do you exercise?
LOL.
Do you smoke?
In reality, my answer is no. But then you made “cigar aficionado” an option, and that sounds way cooler.
How often do you drink?
I don’t see “raging alcoholic” as an answer, so I’ll just say “often.”
Do you have any kids?
That would 100 percent involve having sex, so no.
Do you want children?
And by “children,” you mean…?
What is your current annual income?
What is your current annual income?
What do you do for a living?
I drink. Oh, you mean for money? Not what I want to be doing at all, so all I do is drink.
What kinds of sports and exercise do you enjoy?
Sex, when I’m having it. Is that an option?
What common interests would you like to share with other members?
Alcoholism. Great sex. Money. The desire to have his-and-her Range Rovers and spend a vast majority of our marriage watching sporting events while drinking beer.
How tall should he be?
At least 6 foot. He needs to be tall enough so I can still wear heels. I have too many shoes to give up for love.
Are you looking for a certain body type?
I’m mainly okay with anything that looks like I can’t break it.
Are you looking for certain ethnicities?
Whichever ones will give me beautiful children.
What’s his faith?
Cathodist, duh.
Are you picky about his education?
I prefer at least a bachelor’s. It says, “I went to college, too, so I can’t judge you.”
Do you want your date to smoke?
Is he a “cigar aficionado” as well?
Do you want your date to drink?
I mean, he’d be pretty bored and judgey if he didn’t.
Does your match have any children?
I’m not responsible enough to be a stepmother. I can barely take care of myself.
Should he want kids?
Like, one day. But I have no plans to bring a child into a world where people still worship Justin Bieber.
What marital status do you prefer?
The kind where he’s not currently married.
How much money should he make?
Enough to help me fulfill my dream of being a stay-at-home wife, preferably.
Type your profile headline here:
Beyoncé is my spirit animal.
Describe yourself and your ideal match:
I’m mainly looking for someone to shoot the shit with for the rest of my life. If you could also be the type who never brings up the fact our relationship blossomed on Match.com, that would be cool, too.
Respond
@lnsayers
@lnsayers
I think you just profiled the male user base of this website?
I would without a doubt send you an email.
“Ni Hao Kai-lan.”
Hello, Chinese broccoli?
Sold at his and hers range rovers, as long as you want white.
It’s called Fuji White. But I prefer Corris or Causeway Grey. That cool?
I would prefer that my wife drive a white one, but I could probably get on board with Corris Grey. Me, I would rock Mariana Black but keep my truck to tow the boat.
Just go ahead and slide a ring on my finger and we can call it a day.
As long as you’re OK with not getting legally married, you know, for tax purposes, so we can get matching supercharged ones because the base and HSE are for peons.
I don’t need vows so long as I have a nice ring and a Range Rover.
Hopefully you don’t mind living in it.
At least I’m housebroken.
You look it…
That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.
How does a homeless guy afford 2 ranges?…. Obama is really up lifting the lower class.
Some homeless people make more than you and don’t pay taxes. For example, by hiding behind a bush and scaring Asian tourists. That sounds fun and nets a solid 70k a year, half of which is spend on drugs (also fun). The rest goes in a coffee and the remainder of my time I spend watching porn at the public library and commenting here, the former being lots of fun and the latter being slightly tragic.
I make more than the bushman and I live in SF…. you have to make 70k+ here to pay rent but hey at least you’re happy.
You don’t need 70k+ to pay rent, but you would have to make over 100k before tax to clear what bushman did.
Seriously though, have fun in that shit hole of a city and paying out the ass to rent a shitty place that will fall on your head in the next earthquake.
You really wrote an entire cover letter using Brian McKnight lyrics? Can that be posted as column?
So I’ve totally got the Cathodist thing down. One side of family Catholic, the other Methodist. Raised Methodist, but I’ve seen my fair share of masses. See the inside of a church maybe a couple times a year these days! So we’re totally religious compatible. Now if you could just get over the fact I’m not a part of #bbn and root for the Razorbacks.
Can I just go ahead and propose to you now? It’s romantic if it’s on PGP for the world to see, right?
Interracial situations… Good times.
Marry me?