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Everyone knows that golf courses are a safe haven for all things debaucherous. Time doesn’t exist to anyone except that asshole ranger who consistently tells you to speed up play, you can drink as much as you want while still operating your golf cart with no repurcussions, and discussions around the green put “lockerroom talk” to shame.
It should really come as no surprise that the filth-filled section of the internet, Ask Reddit, had an entire thread dedicated to the awful things caddies have overheard while doing loops with old, wealthy men who have nothing better to do than play eighteen holes of golf every day.
Per Reddit’s thread, these are the best responses.
I’m a caddy for the wealthiest country club in my college town. I’d say the drug use is the juiciest thing I’ve witnessed. Those old men like their pills.
I mean, when you’re old as hell, what else do you have to live for outside of pills and golf?
I was a caddie/bagboy in highschool for a CT Country Club. It was a ton of fun, but I never really got to hear any juicy business gossip.
Best/oddest thing that happened while I was working was seeing people care more about their own golf tournament vs major sporting events. What I mean is I once got tipped box seats at a yankee game only because the date conflicted with the annual club tournament.
There were other things that happened that were awesome, but nothing business gossip-y
I’d lie in a court of law about the shit I heard on the course if it meant I could get box seats to some mid-summer Rangers games. Paying $45 to sweat through my shorts in the outfield just isn’t the life I’m trying to live anymore.
Been a caddy for 11 years at a very high-end resort. Been a great job. I’ve heard a lot of stock tips, seen a lot of drug use (pills, cocaine, mushrooms ect.) and seen a lot of celebrities and have witnessed 5 hole in ones.
Pills? Cocaine? Mushrooms? Celebrities? Were you the guy caddying for Bill Murray before he showed up at that Grateful Dead show wearing the exact same clothes as he wore in the tournament?
I caddy for my girlfriends dad for extra cash here and there. Mostly for his doctor friends and a lot of them are fucking their nurses and hygienists. Oh and he’s fucking Tim’s wife, but Tim doesn’t tip so…
Fucking Tim. He’s the guy who says, “Oh, anyone have any singles? I’m completely out of cash,” before scooting away with his bag while everyone else tips the bag boys.
I wasn’t a caddy (they didn’t seem to have any female caddies at that club) but I did drive the drink cart. I just got hit on by a lot of gross older dudes and bros (usually college boys whose parents belonged to the club) who thought they were hot shit. I made pretty good money in tips.
I saw a guy beat a goose to death. And I heard guys brag about sex and drug use although I never actually saw any.
There was a foursome of women who would play the front 9 twice a week and be totally shitfaced by the end. They shouldn’t have even been driving the carts. I think they meant to play 18 but were always too drunk to continue.
This is a shameless plug, but for more stories from cart girls, check out our Cart Girl Chronicles, Part 1 and Part 2. We don’t have any Larry David-esque stories about killing geese, but they’re still a great read.
I was a caddy during high school. Only job I’ve ever walked out on during a shift. Old dudes hitting on teen age girls. Drunk old guys talking about cheating on their wives. One guy beat a snake to death with his putter.
What’s with killing animals on the course? Isn’t golfing supposed to be relaxing? I hit a bird with a ball once and killed it. I thought about it daily for the next three months with my head down in shame.
I used to be a caddie. I overheard a group of wealthy business owners asking about strippers and cocaine and where they could find some. The club I worked at had something considered cottages where wealthy guys would stay for the weekend and get drunk and play golf. Needless to say we found what they were looking for and charged a premium.
Oh, God. I’d ask for more information on that story but I have legitimate fears that I’m somehow connected with these guys on LinkedIn.
I was “Golf Services” for a few summers. Basically it meant cart maintenance and caddying services at a 5 star resort in my hometown.
Things that I saw:
Sinbad (the comedian) trying to convince a guy to quit smoking pot.
Two gay guys “golfed” together twice a week. Both were married and their families frequently came to the club with them the rest of the week. They never actually left the VIP Private sauna, and loud sounds of gay sex frequently were heard from right outside the door. One was a local church Pastor and the other ran a drywall company.
An old woman who golfed twice a week died on the course once. Just fell over and had a heart attack somewhere on the 10th or 11th tee box. She was found by our cart girl, who happened to be her granddaughter. She tried CPR and failed.
Overheard two guys talking about solar energy (this was 1996-7) and they were both concerned about the amount of light it absorb from the atmosphere. Direct quote: “Too many Solar panels and it’ll be dark year round anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon line.”
Saw a super passive aggressive couple who would come in each week, hire two caddies, and proceed to badmouth their spouse to the caddy the entire time. “Oh, nice hook, John. Looks like all that practice paid off.” “Go ahead and tap the ball further onto the fairway with your foot, Sarah. I mean, cheating is what you’re good at, right?” I think they got off on it, because we’d always see them making out in the bar afterwards.
An Asian dad trying very hard to teach his 7 year old daughter how to golf, every day from 7:30am they would show up and golf the same 9 holes. She seemed to hate it. He was very strict.
Wait, Sinbad golfed at your course? There has to be some better stories than just him convincing someone to stop smoking dope. But furthermore, that gay sauna story sounds like it could either be a great indy film, or something you’d find on PornHub. Either way, good for them.
Caddy for 6 years now and still going (part-time now, show up when I want to, or they really need me kind of deal)
I’ll list off some of the best things I’ve witnessed and heard.
Hearing 2 lawyers talk about each others clients and having one tell the other how his client admitted to killing the person but he’s got a solid defense to get him off of it.
Heard multiple members both men and women talk about their adventures of infidelity in their marriages.
Seen members when very intoxicated just whip it out and pee in the middle of a round on tree or such, while having a teenaged girl for a caddy with them in seeing distance.
One guy who worked for the FDA was talking about a massive investigation before it was public knowledge of a certain restaurant starting soon because of E-Coli.
During one of the clubs bigger yearly tournaments, 2 members decided to play bumper cars with the golf carts after that days round was over and one guy (who was in second overall for the 3 day tournament) was ejected and screwed up his hip and it cost him the game.
If I can remember anymore I’ll post them, I’ll text my best friend who also worked there with me to see if she remembers anything, and before you ask I am a guy.
I find it hilarious that this guy considered peeing on a tree in the same realm as killing someone, cheating on wives, and insider information on Chipotle’s E-Coli situation.
I caddied for a really nice club in North Texas for about three years and one thing that shocked me was the lack of business talk. Groups of billionaire CEOs would meet up for around four hours and just talk about new golf clubs and new steak houses in New York.
I guess the juciest things that ever happened were guys talking about how they know that their wives are sleeping with the pool boy while they’re out golfing, but they want to stay together for kids or so she doesn’t get all his money.
Man, I hope I get to the point in life where I’m so rich that I don’t have to talk about money anymore, and I can stick with the real conversations that matter — golf clubs and steak. That’s the American Dream. .
[via Reddit]
Image via YouTube
Respond
“Go ahead and tap the ball further onto the fairway with your foot, Sarah. I mean, cheating is what you’re good at, right?” Classic John, telling it like it is.
John’s a legend
“Do you take drugs Danny?”
“Every day.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
One of the best one liners I have heard was a member tell the group of 12 year old caddies: “You need two things in this world. A big wallet and a big dick; and I’ve got both.”
I hope that guy shorted the shit out of Chipotle after the insider info. Fuck him if not.
Mickleson betting on literally everything is beautiful as well as inspiring
Dude who caddies for his gf’s dad is going far. That’s some Downton Abbey shit.
Pretty disturbed by the goose story. Who the fuck beats a goose to death with a golf club?
The club I play back home has a peninsula green on the back nine par 5 where geese often hang out. One attacked me once and hit it in the head with my sand wedge. Fuckers are vicious.
I know geese have a reputation for being aggressive and vicious but the story above without any further explanation was disturbing to read.
Caddied at a high end club in Dallas. There were a group of guys who would have strippers come over whenever someone’s wife went out of town.
It seemed like the point of the AR was for caddies to post stories on business shit they overheard?..Who fucking gives a shit? It’s the crazy shit that people do on the course (which I guess they gave up and got around to doing) that people want to hear. I don’t give a simpering dickhole about Johnny Megabucks closing a franchise deal.
Most “secret business stuff” is boring as hell. I was involved in a big hush-hush acquisition, and it was a big deal that someone leaked the name of the target company in a deck that was over-distributed internally. When I read it I expected it would be freakin’ GE or something, in reality it was some BS company no one had ever heard of anyways.
Steve Holt?