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I’d say I had your average, run-of-the-mill sexual experience in college. I had protected, consensual relations 3-5 times a month with multiple partners. I began a relationship with a lady during my junior year and subsequently went to Pleasure Town every night of the week. God, that was great. I never had a problem with finding someone to hook up with in my four years of college and never encountered what you might call a “cold streak,” let alone the dreaded “dry spell.”
After college, my girlfriend and I dated long distance for about a year, but eventually broke up because long-distance relationships simply don’t work. Everyone thinks their LDR can work, until it fails miserably. Luckily for me, mine ended somewhat amicably.
The post-breakup catapulted me into a long-lasting battle with something I never thought I would encounter: going without sexual contact for months on end. I always suspected I would fall on hard times, sexually, after college. Maybe I’d be too busy with work or something that just was out of my control. Extenuating circumstances, you could say.
Now as I venture into my mid-20s, I’m still having sex, albeit not as frequently as I used to, and in some cases, not at all.
Dry Spell #1
Length: May 2010-August 2010, three months and change.
Reason: Girlfriend lived in another city. First time I visited in June, she was on her period. We made out a lot and she touched my leg one time during my visit.
Replacement: Tons of porn.
Broken when: Visited her in August before my final semester of school. Got right down to business after walking in the door and continued to bone throughout the weekend.
Broken by: My ex-girlfriend.
Universal Dry Spell Rating: Average.
Dry Spell #2
Length: August 2010-January 2011, four months.
Reason: Relationship ended. Attempted several rebounds. Could never close.
Replacement: Got really into golfing on the weekends.
Broken when: I hooked up with a rando on New Year’s Eve.
Broken by: A rando I hooked up with on New Year’s Eve.
Universal Dry Spell Rating: Concerning.
Dry Spell #3
Length: January 2012-July 2012, six and a half months.
Reason: “Busy with work.”
Replacement: An Xbox Live subscription.
Broken when: I wised up and took a girl on a few dates. They actually have sex with you after the third date!
Broken by: Former hookup buddy from college who I dated casually for a couple of weeks to see if there was anything there.
Universal Dry Spell Rating: Critical.
Dry Spell #4
Length: August 2012-October 2012, two months
Reason: Because it’s impossible to get laid when you’re single. At least that’s what I kept telling myself.
Replacement: Drinking alone in the dark.
Broken when: Homecoming.
Broken by: My ex-girlfriend.
Universal Dry Spell Rating: Short, but painful. Legitimately thought we were going to get back together.
Dry Spell #5
Length: November 2012-July 2013, eight months.
Reason: I gave up.
Replacement: Woodworking. I grew a beard.
Broken when: Some drunk girl convinced me to go home with her.
Broken by: Some drunk girl.
Universal Dry Spell Rating: Full-term pregnancy.
Dry Spell #6
Length: July 2013-Current, apparently never-ending.
Reason: I’m too tired to actively pursue sex anymore.
Replacement: I comment on every YouTube video I watch.
Broken when: Unknown.
Broken by: Someone who will be ridiculously below my standards once I get desperate enough.
Universal Dry Spell Rating: Priesthood.