A 29-Year-Old Hater’s Rundown Of Snapchat’s Confusing New Features

A 29-Year-Old Hater's Rundown Of Snapchat's Confusing New Features

Listen to us discuss Snapchat on our most recent podcast, beginning at 28:45.

Yesterday, just after recording our podcast where we actually discussed how we kind of suck at Snapchat, I got a text message that read, “Snapchat has a new update and it’s stressing me the fuck out.” I immediately opened the app to make sure it hadn’t updated yet only to see that the app store was automatically updating the app.

“Dammit,” I thought to myself. Now I’m going to be even more lost. And I was. When I opened the app and didn’t think anything was actually different, it started auto-viewing people’s stories for me and I legit lost it because I creep with purpose.

I was faced with no other option but to do the old man thing and Google exactly what these changes were so I wouldn’t be blindsided once again. Luckily, TechCrunch had all the inside info for me on Snapchat’s new features.

Snapchat Stories now auto-advance, so when you get to the end of watching a friend’s Story or swipe left, the next Story in your list starts playing for easy lean-back watching that should boost view counts and encourage posting.

This might force me into retirement from viewing stories. Because much like how I only follow certain people on Instagram because it’s the “nice” thing to do, I do the same on Snapchat. I can’t just be looking at these losers’ stories willy-nilly. I have to look cool, as if I don’t have time to watch every single story (which I do, ten times over).

Over 200 Stickers are now available in private chat, and ones related to text you’ve typed like “love you” or “hungry” are instantly surfaced when you press the Stickers button. (Snapchat’s $100 million acquisition of Bitstrips makes perfect sense now that it has stickers, though Bitmoji aren’t available here yet)

I mean… cool? I guess? Last time I checked, I was alright just using a normal keybord, Emojis, Bitmojis, and Kimojis, but thank heavens Snapchat now offers 200+ dorky-ass stickers that I can choose from. I’m not even going to try to make sense of this because it’s just fucking stupid. Nevermind the fact that I’m almost 30, I just don’t see a bunch of 18-year-olds fawning over a bunch of fucking “stickers” or whatever they are.

Video Notes in Chat let you record and send a quick 10-second max thumbnail-sized GIF-like loop so you can react with your face, and they play audio too if the recipient taps.

Man, can’t wait for this feature to roll out. It’s not like all my friends will use it to record their faces while pooping or anything.

Audio Notes work similarly, allowing you to send short voice snippets when you’re moving and can’t type, or have something to say.

Oh, so, like, a phone call or voicemail? Way to reinvent the wheel here, Snapchat. This is like Apple presenting their new tiny iPhone as something revolutionary when everyone knows it’s just the iPhone 5 all over again.

Video and Audio Calls can now be initiated even if the recipient isn’t already chatting with you, turning Snapchat into more of a phone

Man, I was really looking for other ways to turn my phone into more of a phone. Good thing I now have another way to ignore people’s calls only to text them back. This is great.

You can now send multiple photos at a time in chat, and mark them up with Snapchat’s text, drawing, and filter tools first.

I’m not even sure how this works or what purpose it serves, but then again, I just tried to make sense of them unveiling those stupid fucking stickers.

During Video and Audio Calls, you can simultaneously send camera roll photos to show someone something, and they appear translucent overlaid on the chat window.

So, you know, like iMessage while you’re on a phone call. Seriously, how long until Snapchat just unveils their new phone? Six months? A year? Honestly, this is probably already a thing that teenagers have and they’re all sitting around making fun of us for still having iPhones like we do with people who still use Blackberrys.

Chat 2.0 lets both conversation partners toggle on the fly between Video and Audio Calls, Video and Audio notes, stickers, and text as their environment or intentions change, so users can start or stop transmitting and just listen or watch.

This sounds overwhelming and like I’d accidentally send someone a dick shot while I was talking to them while sitting on the toilet. I think for all parties involved, I should avoid using this at all costs.

Actually, I might just delete Snapchat altogether and exclusively go back to Blackberry. That’s probably what all the hipsters are going to do soon anyway, so I might as well be on the forefront of what’s cool and what’s not.

[via TechCrunch]

Image via Shutterstock

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Will deFries (Twitter / Instagram) is a Senior Writer at Grandex and the world's foremost authority on Sunday Scaries (Twitter / Instagram). Email me at

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