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Christmas is next week and Chanukah is already here. In terms of gift giving, it’s crunch time. Have I done any of my holiday shopping yet? No, because I’m a horrible daughter, sister, friend, etc. But the first step to changing that is acknowledging it.
Because I’m assuming many of you are in the same boat (who are we kidding, sinking life raft) as I am, see my suggestions for what to get for those you love or simply tolerate in your life.
Mom
Some home goods from Anthropologie to prove that yes, you can be domestic, but only in the more aesthetically pleasing, “I have a Pinterest board that looks like a farmhouse/my girlfriend has forced me to go apple picking this year (but don’t expect grandkids anytime soon)” way.
Dad
A leather-wrapped flask or a handsome, old-fashioned shaving kit. Get him something he wouldn’t get for himself, although the unspoken gift of “I’m not pregnant/I haven’t gotten someone else pregnant” this year is more than enough.
Bastard Half-Sibling
He/she/it contacted you through a Facebook message of all things, and now you can’t get rid of the stage five clinger. Send a holiday-themed food, like a fruitcake or chocolate oranges, to let your half-sibling know you care, but not enough to give him or her a shot at the will.
Real Sibling
Dig up your sibling’s favorite stuffed animal that you buried in the backyard after he or she did a better job than you at a childhood piano recital. Mr. Snuffles may be a little worse for wear, but let the fetid, rotting decay and horrible smell serve as a reminder of how far your relationship has come. And that you’ll always have your way.
Significant Other
For The Girl: Something small and fun that you can put in a ring-sized, velvet box. Preferably a folded-up certificate good for one back rub or something equally pricey.
For The Guy: Buy yourself a bunch of lingerie and just say it’s really for him.
The Date Who Never Called Back
Your unrequited love.
The Date Who Won’t Leave You Alone
Silence and possibly a call from your lawyer.
Your Doorman
Considering the sheer amount of times he’s seen you intoxicated or you’ve had a half-hour drunken conversation with him while he’s stone-cold sober at 3 a.m., include a bottle of something with your Christmas tip.
Your Therapist
It wouldn’t be wise to festively give the drugs she’s prescribed to you (that’s reserved for the rest of your friends) so consider something more level-headed, like a cheese plate. But not too level-headed–otherwise, that candy crush load of uppers and downers might dry up. Make sure to add an extremely emotional card that’ll confirm you still desperately need her in your life.
Your Lawyer
Give her a fun black and white striped inmate snuggie for laughs, considering you’d be wearing a real orange one if she hadn’t gotten you off for hijacking a truck full of thoroughbred puppies. Also for delivering all those restraining orders to former Tinder dates.
Your Doctor
You picked his photo off of a healthcare website for a reason, and he knows you’re relatively disease free. Slip him your number and an awkward wink..
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
sarahsolfails
Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."
@urbanJAP
@sarahsolfails
You sound terrifying. Also, if you have your own lawyer, therapist, and doorman you might be on the wrong site. I can’t afford any of those.
She should probably fire the lawyer and double up on the therapy.
She’s giving away prescription drugs to her friends for Christmas. She damn well better keep the lawyer.
#firesarahsolfails
Just when I thought I couldn’t like you less. You’re like a JayTas with slightly more estrogen but with equally mediocre writing.
Happy Hanukah
Who the hell shops at Anthropologie?
God, you’re horrible.
All these hateful comments on Sarah…her therapist will be busy the next few weeks.