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Ah, sex. You’re not having any…at least not anymore. It’s difficult to find a sexual partner after college; that’s no lie. Still, we’re human and we require affection and, with few exceptions, everyone we hook up with after college probably fits into six convenient categories.
The Childhood Friend
There’s really nothing more cathartic than finally hooking up with someone you’ve always had a crush on. I can remember going to a grade school reunion (yeah, those exist) and telling a girl that I used to have a crush on her. Twenty minutes later we were naked, doing gland-to-gland combat. It was the best sex I think I’ve ever had outside of a relationship. The sweet release of 10+ years of pent-up sexual desire in one glorious coitus session. It’s beautiful, really.
Your Ex
You jackass. Chalk it up to a moment of weakness. This accomplishes nothing; she thinks you’re getting back together now. If you really want to take the idiocy up a notch, make sure you pass out in her bed. She’ll wake you up and try to have morning sex with you and every fiber in your penis will be telling you to run away. There’s nothing wrong with white-washing your ex’s guts just “one last time”.
The One Who Wants More
Stage-five clinger. Stalker. Crazy person. Call it what you will, but she’s the best example of why you’ve gotta have the DTR talk after a few sexes. You like dredging her fishing cove once or twice a week, but you’ve never really wanted to be seen in public with her. Not that she’s ugly or anything, but outside of your bi-weekly orgasms with her, there’s not a spark. You don’t feel anything. At some point, you’ll just feel obligated to have sex with her and then all the fun’s gone. This is going to end once she realizes she has no romantic future with you whatsoever. You will always see this girl out at the bars. It’s just a fact of nature.
After-Hours Fuck Buddy
She’s similar to the previous lady, but just a little more on the chill side and you’ll never see her during the light of day. You’re both in need. You’re both desperate enough to be intimate, but casual enough not to know where the other person works. No conversations, just texting and cave-diving into her crevasse. I’ve seen AHFB relationships go on for years with neither side budging or ever wanting to DTR because both sides are so DTF, IYKWIS. I respect this relationship more than any kind of other sexual partnership because they’re usually the most realistic, upfront relationships and lack the blind optimism of traditional boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.
A Coworker
“You fucking idiot,” is the common response you’ll get after disclosing that you put some ranch dressing on a coworker’s fish taco ― but not so fast, my friend. Fifty-four percent of employees have admitted to sleeping with a coworker. I’ve done it. It’s fun. Your dating pool is spread so paper thin that the only options you have left at the end of the day are the moderately attractive people you work with and they get hotter as each day passes. There’s a bit of danger to it and most companies really don’t give a shit, AS LONG AS you don’t bring it into the office or your company doesn’t have an HR policy against it. The emotions you’ll feel after hooking up with a coworker are a mix between a sick sense of accomplishment and whatever is going on with Carrie Matheson 95% of the time.
Your Wife
Sucker.
Respond
TheChampionsTour
TheChampionsTour (@ChampsTourTFM) is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems, Rowdy Gentleman, and Total Frat Move .
@TheChampsTour
Having sex with 6 women after college is setting the bar a little too high for me
The slump buster
Ranch dressing on the fish taco…well done.
I find “The girl you hooked up with on a vacation and will never see again” a great one.
lol vacation
The optimal drunkness for game spitting was described as “the bone zone” in a PGP column I once read. Vacations are a bone zone marathon. Plus, everyone likes an out of towner.
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The younger Tinder chick you don’t really want, but is so damn persistent…
Graduated from college a year ago. Haven’t had sex with 6 women since graduating. PGP.
Pump those numbers up, those are rookie numbers in this racket.
The cougar, be she a single mom, divorcee or what have you, is worth adding to the post grad roster.
AKA Mrs. Robinson, your mom’s friend, that sexy redhead from accounting, the woman at the end of the hotel bar
To add… the drunk desperate girl at the bar around 2am.
That is why you need the AHFB; so you never have to stoop to that low level of sexual tomfoolery…
Like you haven’t.
I don’t know Champs, I kinda liked you as McGannon better.
He was Champs, first, McGannon, second.
Wow I didnt know that. When Knox first started writing I thought he was McGannon’s alter ego
Knox has been writing for Grandex longer than I have, and I came on at the beginning of the expanded contributing writer pool in January 2013.
Damn now I know how John Snow feels
#7: The cougar: ’nuff said. Also somewhat blended with #8. No idea how
#8: The divorcee. You go to adult bars now, and there’s always a 27-32 year old that got married when she was 22 and subsequently divorced, lurking around that really wants to get laid.