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Being a drunk is hard work. We spend a lot of time getting dressed up and pretending to be adults, only to chase it with multiple tequila shots and dirty dancing in a questionable bar. Then, ultimately, at the end of the night, we only want one thing: drunk food. Not just any food, drunk food. There are a lot of things to consider when choosing your cuisine. How am I going to feel about this in the morning? How much effort do I want to put into this? Am I going to look like I entered Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Challenge while eating? It’s a complex feat that we must conquer weekly, but fear not, weekend warriors. Here is a ranking of the best drunk foods.
12. Sandwich: Chances are, you’ll order anything on the menu ending with “deluxe” and you’ll also get a side of XXXL curly fries and the largest soda they have. While this may cure your hangover slightly, it’s inevitably going to be such a large meal that even an NFL player wouldn’t finish it. But you will finish it, without even blinking. And you’ll hate yourself for your remaining hangover.
11. Burger: A burger is similar to a sandwich, except it’s a sandwich’s more successful brother who you wish you had met first. With all that extra protein, you’re guaranteed to lessen your hangover, but you’ll need an extra 30 minutes on the elliptical (and on the toilet) in the morning.
10. Wings: While chicken wings are hands down the holy grail of snack foods, you’ll look like you’ve been starved for months as you eat them. There is no way to look even remarkably attractive while devouring food drenched in barbecue sauce.
9. Street Hot Dog: While these mysterious delicacies may be extremely appetizing when you stumble out of the bar at 2 a.m., the questionable vendors (and even more questionable carts) should be enough to veto this in any semi-sober mindset.
8. Breakfast Food (Sweet): Sweet breakfast dishes, like pancakes or waffles, are often forgotten when it comes to the fourth meal. This is a shame, because it’s a known fact that these are some of the tastiest dishes on the planet. Hot carbs covered in syrup? Sign up every drunk idiot in a 20-mile radius. However, be cautious. You’ll regret all that sugar in the morning. It may taste like heaven going down, but your head is going to feel like hell in the morning.
7. Mac And Cheese: Even though macaroni and cheese should be higher on the list, there is one very serious conundrum that comes with making this staple for late night cuisine. It takes for-fucking-ever to make it, and there is a 75 percent chance there will be a drunken fiasco in the kitchen that will ruin everything. If you don’t end up making a bowl of cheese-covered, half-cooked noodles, you will ultimately eat the entire box in one sitting while watching reruns on E!, wearing your bar clothes with sweatpants on top. It’s not a good look, but it’s slightly delicious nonetheless.
6. Pizza: Back in ancient Italy, drunk Italian slobs would come home after a long night of partying and binge eat on pizza (probably). Not much has changed since then. It’s delicious, easy to order, and you can share it with as many people as you can fit into your living room. One dilemma with drunk pizza is the quality that late at night can be questionable–but in your state of mind, that usually is not an issue because you’re too busy deciding whether to order extra breadsticks or to make out with whomever you brought home from the party.
5. Nutella On Anything: I’m not quite sure of Nutella’s health benefits, but it’s the most delicious substance known to man. This one is a no brainer.
4. Chicken Nuggets: One of the best perks of being drunk is that it’s socially acceptable to eat like a child. Chicken nuggets, while normally a cornerstone in a young kid’s diet, are also a fundamental part in a wasted postgrad’s weekend plans. They are deep fried protein, so you’re going to be able to take on the world in the morning. Plus, with endless sauce choices, nobody can say no. Added points for getting unnatural shaped nuggets, such as dinosaurs or Mickey Mouse nuggets.
3. Breakfast Food (Savory): While vastly different from the sweet selection of breakfast foods, savory breakfast options are full of protein to help basically make your expected hangover disappear. It’s also infinitely more delicious due to bacon, because bacon. Besides being some of the best food man has to offer, savory breakfast food is full of protein to cure a hangover, due to it being primarily made out of fried deliciousness and cheese.
2. Chili Cheese Anything: It doesn’t matter what you put chili cheese onto in your drunken stupor. You will no doubt eat the entire thing, it will taste like the nectar of the gods, and you will feel like a damn Olympiad in the morning. No promises that you’ll look like a respectable human being while consuming anything covered in chili and cheese, but at that point, what does it matter?
1. Taco Bell: Hands down, this is the best drunk food you can eat after a night of debauchery. It’s full of questionable protein to curb you of your morning hangover and it’s relatively easy to convince yourself that it’s good for you. I’ve never actually seen one closed, so I assume they’re open forever. Due to their new found love of breakfast, you can indulge in your morning hangover as well. Congratulations, Taco Bell. You are the ultimate drunk food, and our drunken alter egos are forever grateful.
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Babe Lincoln
Babe Lincoln is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems and spends the majority of her time knocking back Franzia and introducing herself as "the female Johnny Manziel."
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If I had dollar for every time I put a frozen pizza in the oven and then passed out before it was done I would three dollars.
Passed out with lasagna in the oven on a ski trip. Thankfully someone found it before the cabin burned down.
“Burnt Frisbees” and I would have a lot more than 3 dollars.
Pizza rolls, man.
Nard, you eat ‘za rolls for every meal. Of course it’s your favorite drunk food, it’s your ONLY food.
You left out Falafel and any-and-all Halal food that comes from a street-cart with that glorious white sauce.
That makes you a dick, Babe Lincoln. You let me down.
Cookout. Where you can get a burger, quesadilla, and chicken nuggets as one meal.
Cookout is the fuckin’ truth.
I agree, but the free delivery of Jimmy John’s at ASU up until 4 am to your door within 10 minutes took the cake, every time. Sandwiches went to #1.
Whataburger. Always.
Be mine.
I only accept dowries in the form of Franzia and Diet Coke.
Done and done.
Dude she doesn’t do butt stuff. Don’t settle for that shit, pun ABSOLUTELY intended.