40 Signs You Work For An Evil Corporation

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We’ve all had that one job where it seemed like the company’s agenda didn’t have the world’s best interests in mind. Sure, they may profit people (even you, oh humblest of recently graduated worker drones) but the company probably wasn’t some comically evil megacorp like the Umbrella Corporation, churning out crazy transhumanists and zombie viruses. That said, you could very well work for a company that makes Enron look like The Red Cross, but how would you know?

1. Your building was recently soundproofed, but none of the work done requires heavy machinery.
2. “Employees must destroy all evidence before returning to work” signs are sprinkled around the facility.
3. Your building is guarded by large men in black suits, ninjas, or any other kind of low rent minion.
4. HR lectures about the importance of dodging questions from government officials.
5. You have a pervasive sense of creeping doom while you’re at work, beyond the normal feelings any postgrad has when he or she realizes there are at least 40 more years of this shit ahead.
6. People don’t quit. They disappear.
7. Your company has devoured the competition like it’s playing a corporate version of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
8. Dick Cheney and George Soros are investors.
9. Your company has frequent business meetings in countries where “workers’ rights” translates to “rarely randomly shooting union protesters in the streets.”
10. The CEO looks like a Bond villain.
11. Company achievement goals for the year include world domination, mind control, and crashing the global stock market for personal gain.
12. Your company is a large investment bank.
13. Kim Jong Un has refused to do business with your company on moral grounds.
14. The company has something to do with the cable industry.
15. Mutants, zombies, eldritch horrors or postgrad financial analysts stalk the halls of your workplace late at night.
16. The company has “In Case of SWAT Team: Break Glass” cases.
17. The company mission statement is secret. Like the CIA’s.
18. Giant bipedal mechs with machine guns are in the company’s four year plan.
19. The legal team is pretty used to playing devil’s advocate, but only because Satan actually sits on the board.
20. There are inexplicably large predators located around your corporate offices in cages that definitely aren’t built to code.
21. They have locations in every major city, country, and town on the planet, but no one really knows what they do, except that it’s probably illegal.
22. You’ve been asked to write a suicide note and give it to HR, “just in case.”
23. The company engages in more espionage than the CIA does.
24. There are “Big Brother”-like posters around the office warning against rogue social media use.
25. You have walked in on late night paper shredding sessions several times, and were told not to talk about it.
26. The company has more records about its audit history than anything else.
27. Your company regularly hosts congressmen and senators for lunches that end with everyone drunkenly laughing. Then prostitutes show up.
28. Brainstorming sessions in small groups are held in rooms with one-sided mirrors.
29. You’re pretty sure you have to orchestrate a hit on a rival executive to get a promotion.
30. You’ve stayed away from the fourth floor ever since you walked in on that “Eyes Wide Shut” ritual going on in conference room C.
31. Your company’s name is based on a mythological creature.
32. There’s a revolving door of executives making the transition from work life to prison life.
33. They had to issue an apology like this:
    
34. Your company has contracts in place with the Qatar government for the 2022 World Cup and did under-the-table deals with Putin during construction of the Sochi Olympic village.
35. The place is littered with self-destruct buttons.
36. Entering work involves a secret entrance, a password, two forms of biometric ID, and a polygraph.
37. The moat full of giant mutant crocodiles by reception really worries you.
38. “Flight of the Valkyries” plays constantly over the office PA system.
39. The social media director is fired every two weeks.
40. Your 90 day probationary period was worse than an SEC fraternity pledgeship.

If you find your company meeting a few of the above criteria, you may want to change careers before you get involved in a government raid, super spy gun fight, or apocalyptic virus release. It never works out well for the entry-level minions, and that’s all any of us are qualified to be at this point.

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Jack Quesinberry

Recent graduate from the University of Maryland working in the biotech industry. I like to spend my weekends in DC ensuring my future political career will be one filled with a number of great scandals and equally great Sunday brunches. My alter ego is Whiskey Ginger.

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