What You Say To People Vs. What You’d Like To Say

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We spend a lot of our time having conversations that we really don’t want to have. Whether it’s receiving a nice verbal spanking from your boss or awkward conversations with your mom about your dad’s “indigestion” problems, we, as “adults,” have to endure these chats on a daily basis now. As someone who physically struggles to filter my thoughts before I say them out loud, I’ve compiled a short list of responses you graciously give as opposed to what you wish you could say.

Comment: I’m running the NYC/Chicago/Boston Marathon this spring!

Actual Response: Oh my GOD how AMAZING! Wow, that is so admirable and tough. How’s the training going so far? That’s a great idea. I should really join you!”
What you’d like to say: Are you fucking nuts? You do know it’s 26.2 miles right? MILES. You are just one of those people who like to make all of us who run for 12 minutes on the treadmill twice a week feel like shit. Well, I’m not having it. I walk to work, do yoga once a week and “hit the gym” bi-monthly. Also, I can’t wait till you hit me up for at least a grand to support your cause!

Comment: I just got into a 10 top ten school for grad/law/med school!

Actual Response: Congratulations! That is so amazing. I know you worked very hard for this and you deserve it!
What you’d like to say: I am not in the least bit jealous. Sure, there’s like a 50 percent chance you’ll be making bank the second you get out, but you’ll also have $200 thousand in debt. That kinda sucks. I’d rather poke my eyes out than think about properly citing my sources and competing against try-hards who rip pages out of books so I fail.

Comment: I was just promoted to Associate Account Executive!

Actual Response: Wow that’s great! Kudos. Really proud of you, buddy. You definitely deserve it after putting in all these hours.
What You’d like to say: What the fuck is this shit? You are the only person at this company who actually does less work than I do. I mean, you asked me how to sort a column in excel last week. If you get more than half a percent raise, I’m staging a sit-in in the boss’s office.

Comment: I’m engaged!

Actual Response: ERMEHGERD congratulations! Mazel tov! So exciting, when, where, who, what, how? Let me see the ring!
What you’d like to say: Aren’t you, like, 20? You know you’ll probably get divorced in six years right? How’d you swing this girl/guy? I’ve seen your Instagrams and he/she may be a soft seven even with #nofilter. Lucky bastard. Also, please don’t invite me to your wedding. I can’t afford a serving platter from Crate and Barrel right now (read: the rest of the year).

Comment: We’re pregnant!

Actual Response: Wow, how exciting! Congratulations! When’s the due date? Do you have any names picked out yet? This is phenomenal!
What you’d like to say: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Your life is over. How do you feel about that? I secretly hate you more than I hate my third grade teacher who kept me in at recess at least once a week, so I’m pretty ecstatic that you’re doomed. This, in all likelihood, may dissolve what shred of a “happy” marriage you have left. What great news! Oh, and by the time your kid is 18, assuming he/she has zero talents like you, you’ll need to send him/her to college! That shit will be half a mill by then. And you’re just an associate account executive! By my meager calculations, you’ll have to work 150 hours of overtime between now and the day that deposit is due to make it work! GODSPEED!

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Mary Swanson

Both a bitter and optimistic 24-year-old entry-level underachiever with 2-4 friends and 0 talents. Washed up is an understatement. I prefer almost all my food luke-warm, what does that say about me?

• @maryswansonPGP