Times You Can Get Away With A Slut Phase After College

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The word “slut” has broken through barriers and transcended genders in the past decade or so. In my mind, men and women can be sluts. There’s really nothing wrong with slutting it up on the town in college, as long as you’re safe, kids. It’s everyone’s right, and almost necessity, to pursue sexual discovery during the first years of legal adulthood. Finding out what you like, letting loose (figuratively and literally) and getting down with strangers is what makes college even more fruitful and educational.

After college, you’re expected to conform to a set of rules that society places on you. To that, I say, “No sir.” I say you’ve still got time to get away with one last slut phase.

After A Serious Breakup

It’s one’s natural tendency to seek out companionship after a big time breakup. You’ve lost the most important thing in your life: your relationship. Marriage was on the horizon, barreling towards the two of you at breakneck speed. Now it’s all gone and you’re picking up the pieces by seeking out human touch to fill the void left in your life. It won’t matter if you’ve forgotten the finer points of seduction. Everything will come easy to you, because you’re going to be drunk all the time. Everyone loves a good rebound, and by George, you’re granted a solid six month period of going after strange once you call it quits. Get out there and get some strange.

When Moving To A New City

You don’t know anyone with the exception of the people you live with and your coworkers. That eliminates sexual contact with those people, so you’re left with one option: become the town bicycle and just slut it up and down Broadway. That’s the best way to get to know people. Know them, in the biblical sense. You’re vulnerable, insecure and lonely. Good thing there’s an age old cure for that.

During A Job Search

By no means does this mean “sleep with a person who can get you a job.” That’s only going to end poorly for all parties involved. You’re going to be saddled with a huge amount of stress and worry. The best way to alleviate that stress and worry? Dropping trou and getting into bed with anyone who makes suggestive eye contact with you. Release those endorphins and feel good chemicals that are the result of millions of years of evolution. Worry about making rent tomorrow.

When You Hate All Of Your Friends

Hate the people you hang out with? Just sleep your way out of that miserable situation and do the no-pants dance with all the single members of the opposite sex who run with your crew. That’ll take care of that.

When You Move Into Your Own Place

You’re independent now. No longer do you share a tiny dorm room with another person. You aren’t forced to keep it down because of your cheap off-campus apartment’s paper thin walls. You’ve got your very own $500/month + utilities home base and a brand new mattress that needs breaking in…and a couch, kitchen counter, bear rug, kitchen table, La-Z-Boy, shower, etc…

When You’re Trying To Have A Baby

When you’re trying to get preggers, the slut phase is required. That’s how nature works. You and your significant other are going to be doing the nasty on the reg. You dirty sluts, you.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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