5 People You Can’t Stop Stalking On Social Media

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Now and then (everyday), we all enjoy the opportunity to see how other people’s lives are developing via social media. Whether they are close friends, distant cousins or casual acquaintances, it’s always a treat to see how you are stacking up against your peers. Though it may be considered taboo, the majority of us take the most joy out of seeing others falter. However, this may not be all it is cracked up to be. Below are a few characters common to your Facebook search bar, along with the pros and cons associated with seeing them.

The Fatty

Pro: There may be nothing more rewarding in the world than watching some poor SOB gain 15 pounds purely in their face. Sure, you may live in a studio apartment with no windows, but at least you don’t have to ask the flight attendant for a seatbelt extender on the vacations you don’t go on.

Con: For some dumbass reason, a small few in this country have started associating fat with happy. Maybe this schlub just married the love of his life and is content with their ever expanding waistline. Or, it’s possible that they are trying to match the promotion they just received with the appropriate paunchy corporate body. Either way, this fat bastard is being referred to as “jolly” and you’re livid. He’s not “jolly.” Not even close. This guy eats his feelings everyday after work in the Taco Bell parking lot.

The Remarried Divorcee

Pro: You have literally witnessed this person’s entire marriage, from inception to its Hindenburg-like destruction, via Facebook. Hell, you may have even called it from the beginning. Now their relationship status is back to engaged and you couldn’t be more thrilled. You and a few friends have even started making odds on how long this second charade will last.

Con: This half-wit has fooled two adult humans into voluntarily agreeing to a “lifelong” sacrament. You are still swiping right, trying to locate your first Tinderella.

The Traveler

Pro: This jag bag has seen more cities since graduation than you will in a lifetime. However, this can typically be attributed to a few different things. First, they have no real friends. Second, they are even shittier at their job than you are and must continue to relocate to maintain employment. Third, they have an incurable STD (The third is more than likely not the case, but it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside to imagine it).

Con: Since leaving your alma mater you have been outside of your home state twice and this person is a constant reminder of that. Your first “trip” was to your cousin’s miserable cash bar wedding which had more mason jars in attendance than people. The second was a blacked out trek to the strip club across state lines, from which you are still mentally and financially reeling.

The Gym Rat

Pro: This pathetic soul has nothing left to live for. Their life has been boiled down to the most primitive of human actions, picking up large heavy objects and then setting down those large heavy objects. They have a spray tan that could rival only that of the Tan Mom and average ten selfies a day. Due to the amount of supplements they consume, the acne has taken control of their face with no plans of backing down. Enjoy that liver failure down the road!

Con: Abs, pecs, lats and glutes. These muscle groups have not had any significance in your life since high school. Your last physical training session took place during the company fire drill when you were forced to take the stairs.

The Person Who Is Somehow Still In School

Pro: You’re fairly positive this douche lord was a senior when you were a freshman. Yet, there they are, frequenting the local bars and tailgating with the best of them. This chump hasn’t the slightest idea what they are in for after college and you relish them finding out. Panel interviews, 401k enrollment and postgrad dating are just the tip of the iceberg. You pray to everything holy that you can be there the day they make their first cold call.

Con: Their most recent uploaded photo is a group shot of them surrounded by a large flock of coeds born in 1994.

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TheOriginalReaganaut

Working in Chicago's Loop, living on the Northside and doing a piss poor impression of an adult.